Carbs are the Devil

And I haven't craved them since I started this eating plan... I mean, really, really crave. But yesterday, I got hungry in the afternoon and was at my desk where some Keebler cheese on cheese crackers beckoned me. I hearkened unto their call. They were delicious and hit the spot.

They also f'd up my entire food intake for the day. I've been trying to stay at or under 350 calories and have been doing a fairly decent job...certainly, I have stayed under 500 calories for several weeks now.

Then yesterday happened. Like a serpent with a pomegranate...and I have no room to criticize Eve...I am Eve. Yesterday I had 611 calories. AND to top it off, my aerobics instructor cancelled class so instead I jogged 1 mile (THE ENTIRE TIME). I haven't done that since college. It was only 10 minutes, but it kicked my butt. I can do 2hr aerobics and circuit training workouts, but one 10 minute mile had me feeling like my lungs would collapse. Either way - I still burned 1208 calories yesterday.

Today, however, was ugly. Not only did I eat 1 package of Keebler crackers...I ate TWO. OINK OINK. THEN after my workout I stopped at 7-11 to get gas and decided to go inside and buy small packages of almonds to take to work and munch on when I get hungry. Is that all I got? NO! Why? Because all I could think of while working out were mutha f*ing CARBS! So what did I do about it? Did I resist the devil and his shiny apple? Nope - I bought a 7.5oz bag of Gardetto's Cheddar Chipotle snack mix. Did I just allow myself one 150kcal serving? Hell NO! I ate the entire freaking bag! ALL 750 calories of it!!!! That's more than I ate all day long yesterday! Ugh. I'm so disgusted with myself.

Today's calorie count came in at 1553 calories! Thank God for my 2hr workout - it put me at 1247kcals burned. If not for exercise - I would be downing laxatives right now (I'm still resisting the urge to take them).

In other news, I got "scolded" today for leaving a sarcastic note in a file about a young, twatty little co-worker who acted like a 16yo JV cheerleader who had just been dissed by an 18yo Varsity cheerleader (varsity being me). My new supervisor was cool about it though and basically told me I was right, I just didn't need to actually write out what I did...she said I could make up my own symbols, which I appreciated.

I went to the doctor yesterday and have lost 10lbs in 1 month (I really wish it was 15 or 20, but I'll take 10). I lost 3 inches off my waist (since last month's measuring). My neck stayed the same and my hips went up, which make no sense to me. I think it's just the way I was measured b/c I'm going down in dress sizes. My body fat has gone down from over 40% to 34%. Yeah - I have a long way to go. I'm starting to worry about having loose skin.

As for the mother situation...she's back to being 88% normal.

As for "the crush"...and yes, I know I said I wasn't going to obsess over him any more, but I have no life and nothing else to do, so "the crush" remains in effect. Here's what I don't get... I know that the way a man reacts to you tells you whether he's into you. Lots of attention = way into you. No attention = not into you at all. So, Monday, I got up early and wore a gorgeous new winter white cowl neck sweater. I did my hair in an updo to accentuate my neck. I got a ridiculous amount of compliments (men and women AGAIN).

AND here's how our encounter went... We both met up at the elevators at the same time. Made slight eye contact. I pressed the button and he stepped several feet away from me, but in an awkward way...like he was too uncomfortable to be around me. Then, it was like he was trying specifically to AVOID making eye contact with me. Once we got on the elevator, he moved to the opposite side and started talking to another man.

I'm just saying... It's weird. It's not like a normal - he has no idea and/or interest in me. It's like he's making a concerted effort to avoid me. There can be absolutely no way he knows that I'm into him and trying to get his attention. So, I'm wondering what all this means. Most likely, it means NOTHING and he's just not into me. At all. As usual. FML.

Completely Unnoticed

Yep...I got up early yesterday morning b/c I knew I would see "the crush". I had a new black pencil skirt dress with a pretty beaded pink cardigan picked out to wear (with Spanx underneath of course). I took extra time doing my hair up with some whisps falling down on my face. And I made sure my makeup wasn't too much, but was enough to bring out my eyes...I even pencil-lined my lips.

I got multiple compliments from men and women. And...he walked right past me without even blinking. No eye contact. No slight head turn. Nothing.

And that's the sum of the effect I have on men. FML

In other news - Mom is still giving the silent Tx and I weighed in at 153 this morning.

Silent Treatmented

I am thinner than I have been in 4 years. I'm able to wear the suits I bought when I first moved here to go to school. Last night I put on the suit I wore to my father's funeral. I have to admit - (FOR ME) - I look great. One of my girlfriends told me her husband said I look hot. My female friends tell me all the time that I look skinny. A man (albeit a sleezeball) paid special attention to me on Thursday when I wore a red little sweater and told me how nice I looked. I'm in 10's! Finally! I'm thinking about taking back the size 12 suits I bought on sale last month b/c they are 12's and almost too big.

I'm able to do 2hr workouts twice a week, on top of my other 1hr workouts (totally a minimum of 6hr workouts/week).

I feel good about myself, although I'm still self critical and know I have a ways to go. BUT, at least I feel GOOD about myself.

Friday night I met up with coworker/friends at a bar and let loose for the first time in probably 5 or 6 years. I had three merlots and 2 lemon drop shots. I wasn't sloppy drunk, but I was happy drunk. So happy drunk that my friends took away my keys and drove me home. I KNEW how pissed my Mom would be. And have been paying for it ever since.

I got up early the next morning to go get my car and she wouldn't talk to me. In fact, when I tried to ask her if she wanted me to leave my dog out or put her up she said, "I don't even want to talk to you right now." She had that same judgmental-you're-not-the-daughter-I-wanted tone in her voice like she did when I was in my twenties.

She hasn't really spoken to me since. I feel like I'm in a loveless marriage and waiting for her to ask for a divorce.

Part of me feels abandoned. Part of me feels rejected. Part of me feels judged. And part of me wants to tell her to f*ck the h*ll off and let me live my g*ddamned life. Seriously! I'm sick and tired of her projecting her manic f*cking depression onto me. I'm not a charismatic christian. I don't want to end up like her...alone, believing I'm all alone b/c it's God's will and one day He'll spontaneously make me a millionaire. She doesn't work. She has "fibromyalsia" which I call b*llsh*t on and uses it as an excuse not to work. She has fantasies about prophecy and the 2nd coming and in the end...she's just like her mother. Alone and resented.

I don't want to end up alone and resented. I don't want to become her. I want her to let me go, but I feel so much guilt about that, that I don't think I will ever sever whatever tie she has to me.

FML FML FML FML

I can't win for losing. I also think she's jealous of the weight I've lost b/c she's not losing that much anymore (probably has something to do with the fact she makes every f*cking excuse in the book to not exercise).

I hate her. I love her. I want to be rid of her. I need her. I'm tired of being judged by her and shunned with her disapproval for not living my life the way SHE wants me to. It's not fair.

I wish I would just meet the man of my dreams who could afford to help me support her and let her live in my house so I could move on. She, of course, wouldn't approve of him b/c he won't be a televangelist or mega-church pastor and that would probably end our relationship forever. I'm afraid for her and how her life will end. I hate that, that is my solution...I wish I could afford alone, to let her live by herself...but that's not realistic with my job and salary. It's the only way out that I see.

And I don't know if that will ever truly happen anyway...

The crush situation...I wore the previously mentioned "red sweater" for him last Thursday. I couldn't tell if he "notice-noticed" me, or if he just looked in my general direction. I can tell you that I made him notice me by hanging around a coworker-friend all afternoon that he had to deal with until he approached her and made eye contact with me. To be perfectly honest...I don't think I turn his head, which makes me feel rejected.

Another friend called me this afternoon to tell me that a man she knows was coming by to meet me/check me out. He's early 40's, 2 kids, not interested in marrying until they're grown (no idea their ages). He did come by. He was attractive and nice. I don't think he was interested either though. I doubt I'll hear anything back. Probably not a good idea to "date" someone who works for the same organization I do anyway. (I tell myself these things to lessen how rejected I feel).

I don't understand what is wrong with me. I know that I'm not really pretty, but I'm not ugly either. I have friends who are much less attractive and have / had no problem. It's like there's almost a supernatural force that binds men from wanting to be with me. Maybe I'm using that as an excuse for my lack of desireability.

I'm tired of thinking about it. My Mom just opened my door without asking or knocking to let my cat in. That was an F-U to me...She never opens my door without asking fist. Fuck her. I fucking hate her.

Becoming thin isn't making me happy internally - it's just an external distraction that gives me something to focus on that I can change. My life...my situation...I'm not sure it will ever change.

If I were perfectly honest, I'd admit to what I think will end up happening to me. I think within the next five years or so I will be diagnosed with cancer and it will take my life. My Mom will help take care of me. Friends will come by and visit. But I won't have anything to look forward too, so it will just be an out for me. I can't say I'm not looking forward to it in a weird way either. My Mom will be taken care of with my life insurance (yes, I have a life insurance policy to make sure she will be financially okay). I worry that it's not enough and she'll blow through it. But I'll be gone and that's all I really want anyway...hopefully, I won't be able to know how things turn out for her.

God, what a fucked up blog entry. When do you think she'll start talking to me again?