i am not okay

This blog was suppose to be about my doing and undoing. Thus far, there has only been undoing. I felt a sense of accomplishment and moving forward in my life when I took time off work week before last to regroup and make doctor's appointments to get my health under control. I made an appointment with a podiatrist to move forward with the bunion surgery I have needed for 15yrs.

Today was my appointment. Viewing the x-rays just confirmed to me that I have a significant problem with my feet. I'm not eligble to have a typical bunionectomy. The deformities are bad. My pain is bad. I felt extreme anxiety about taking off work, but a sense of excitement to finally get relief.

I talked to a co-worker who has had the surgeries. She said she did not regret it and would cover my work for me. I called my mother to get her opinion. I don't know why, but I truly expected her to be supportive and tell me it was time to get this done and not to worry about when I scheduled the surgery because she would be able to be there for me.

Instead, she told me, "I think you need a second opinion. I think you need to get one of the pastors at the church to pray over you and you should believe for your healing first."

I hate her. I f*cking, f*cking hate her. She will jump at any chance she gets to shatter my heart.

I couldn't reply to her. I wasn't going to reply to her. Tears immediately began to fall. My heart sank. Why did I think she would be supportive? She certainly didn't get any pastors to pray over her before I paid for her ten thousand dollar cosmetic dental work.

I mustered up the courage to tell her that I haven't been to church in over a year and a half and I didn't want to go back. And that it didn't matter either way, because I would lose no matter what. She acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. I explained that if I went and had someone pray over me and wasn't healed, it's because I don't have enough faith and that if I don't go, it's because of my lack of faith and she would make me feel guilty either way.

She went into her defensive, assertive mode and attacked me. I she told me that SHE'S not making me feel guilty. "It's your brain. It's you. It's NOT ME!" She went on a rant about the change in me over the past few months and how, "your brain has you thinking I'm imprionsing you and I'm not."

She went on to tell me she's prayed about moving out (which is a joke b/c she can't afford it) and that God told her the devil was trying to seperate us "prematurely". She kept saying, "it's not ME," which is funny because she's had these same confrontations with her mother and what eventually ended their relationship was her mother's refusal to acknowledge any wrongdoing whatsoever.

I'm going to cancel the surgery in the morning. I came home from work and we acted like the conversation never took place.

I hate her because she has refused to move on with her life and she's holding me back. I hate her because I hate my life and I blame her. I hate her for all the lies I have to make up about what I do on holidays and weekends. I do nothing. I spend them alone. I spend them sad and depressed because I don't have the families that my friends do. I don't have a husband to complain about at work. I don't have a child to take photographs of. I take pictures of other people and their happiness. I have a fifteen year old dog that I'm going to lose in the next few years. I have two cats and a sixty one year old mother who's been "believing" for her healing and her millionaire status to "come through" for twenty years now.

I have a few friends that I will soon lose because I also lose them. I have a dwindling savings. I have nothing really. I don't have the things that matter in life. I thought becoming a lawyer would make me happy. It hasn't. I thought moving away and starting over would make me happy. It hasn't.

I don't know how to rebuild. I don't know where to go from here. I want death to come more than ever. I want my blood work to come back positive for leukemia and I want to die soon.

There is no one in my life who understands me. I don't know that there ever will be.