I feel like I'm slipping and losing it. I had dinner and drinks with girlfriends on Friday night and ate like a f*cking pig (worse than ever before). I also lied about my past. I don't know why - probably b/c if I told the truth - that I'm a depressive with an ED...well, that would just be too pathetic and honest...I needed something sexier, so I created it. I'm good at that. I do it all the time. No one knows me. I don't think anyone ever will.
Still PMS'ing. Anger and resentment builds and focuses its attention on my mother. Blame. Blame. Blame. It's all her fault I'm in my mid-thirties and have no children, no husband, no privacy. It's all her fault for being so selfish and not letting me leave her and start my own life. All her - not me...her.
I saw "the crush" on Friday. He looked right through me, of course. Who am I kidding? I'm not that attractive to men. Women will tell me I'm cute or pretty. Men don't. Accept it and move on. Stop allowing your heart to be wrung out like a dirty rag.
My weight is up four pounds and I want to die. I wish my period would just start already.
I have a project due at work tomorrow and I'm hoping to get an extention b/c it's not ready. I'm anxious about it and unable to sleep. Why do I do this? Normally, I would've worked late during the week to get it done, but I HAVE to workout. I was too lazy to work on it this weekend. I could half-@ss it, but I don't want to. I want to do it right. I can't even pray and ask God to work it out for me b/c I feel so distant from Him that any prayer asking for menial help seems trite.
My mind is racing...it's Sunday night...it always races on Sunday night. Tonight seems worse than usual.
I bought more Bronkaid yesterday. On Saturday, I took 13 laxatives (5 in am and 6 in pm). It made me feel "cleaned out" but it didn't make my weight go down...
I hate my life right now. I hate it.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
meltdown
I had one tonight - a meltdown, that is. I went away last weekend and blew my diet on Friday (at 1675 calories...the most ever). Saturday, I managed to stay under 1000 calories and I was back on track Sunday. I went 3 days without working out and with the increased calories, I managed to gain 3lbs (I was down to 159.8 on Thursday 10/21. The trip was terrible and the weather completely ruined my plans...typical.
I purged for the first time in a long time (probably 4 weeks or so) in the hotel room. My friend and I shared a room and I snuck the ice bucket into the bathroom and pretended to take a bath while I did it.
I'm starting to feel more and more overwhelmed at work. I need to stay late and get on top of things, but that would mean I miss my aerobics class, which would mean I would stop losing, which would mean I would stay fat, which would mean I might as well curl up and die.
Tonight, I really wanted to stay, but I also really needed the workout. The instructor didn't show last night and I only got in about 30 minutes of low impact cardio. Well, tonight, a different instructor didn't show and I felt sheer anger swell up inside my veins. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I wanted to go off on the manager. I wasn't kind - they knew I was pissed, but I held it in and left.
Great. Now I haven't had a serious workout in 5 days! So, I went shopping instead. I've spent money that I don't need to be spending on a new wardrobe. I've skimped on some things and splurged on others. Right now, 14's are a little big on me and 12's are a little snug. I have a lot of clothes that I can't wear and it's frustrating in my new work environment where I'm surrounded by thin, pretty, professional women who have husbands and fiance's to support them so they can spend til their hearts are content on pretty clothes.
I found several new pieces tonight, including a cowl-neck dress that I feel gorgeous in. However, at the same time, I'm having to remind myself that I'm still a fat@ss and the guy I can't stop thinking about & crushing over has no idea I exist. He doesn't even know my name. We've made eye contact. I've seen him look at me. He's said "hi" to me, but I also know that I cannot gauge the difference between regular attention men give to women and "I'm-attracted-to-you-attention". I have absolutely no idea how to tell the difference and I've read men wrong all my life, so why would I get it correct now?
God, this blog is so self-serving and whiny. I broke down in tears twice tonight. I think I'm about to start my period. I'm a mess and I f*cking hate hormones. I hope I am about to start my period - at least that would explain the 3lb gain and inability to lose it.
FML. Really.
I purged for the first time in a long time (probably 4 weeks or so) in the hotel room. My friend and I shared a room and I snuck the ice bucket into the bathroom and pretended to take a bath while I did it.
I'm starting to feel more and more overwhelmed at work. I need to stay late and get on top of things, but that would mean I miss my aerobics class, which would mean I would stop losing, which would mean I would stay fat, which would mean I might as well curl up and die.
Tonight, I really wanted to stay, but I also really needed the workout. The instructor didn't show last night and I only got in about 30 minutes of low impact cardio. Well, tonight, a different instructor didn't show and I felt sheer anger swell up inside my veins. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I wanted to go off on the manager. I wasn't kind - they knew I was pissed, but I held it in and left.
Great. Now I haven't had a serious workout in 5 days! So, I went shopping instead. I've spent money that I don't need to be spending on a new wardrobe. I've skimped on some things and splurged on others. Right now, 14's are a little big on me and 12's are a little snug. I have a lot of clothes that I can't wear and it's frustrating in my new work environment where I'm surrounded by thin, pretty, professional women who have husbands and fiance's to support them so they can spend til their hearts are content on pretty clothes.
I found several new pieces tonight, including a cowl-neck dress that I feel gorgeous in. However, at the same time, I'm having to remind myself that I'm still a fat@ss and the guy I can't stop thinking about & crushing over has no idea I exist. He doesn't even know my name. We've made eye contact. I've seen him look at me. He's said "hi" to me, but I also know that I cannot gauge the difference between regular attention men give to women and "I'm-attracted-to-you-attention". I have absolutely no idea how to tell the difference and I've read men wrong all my life, so why would I get it correct now?
God, this blog is so self-serving and whiny. I broke down in tears twice tonight. I think I'm about to start my period. I'm a mess and I f*cking hate hormones. I hope I am about to start my period - at least that would explain the 3lb gain and inability to lose it.
FML. Really.
Monday, October 18, 2010
On My Way
Today I weighed in at 162. I've officially lost 30lbs in 2 months. I can no longer wear my 18's - I can't even get by with them...they fall off. I'm pulling out old clothes left and right. I spent all day Saturday shopping.
I fully realize that I'm not even half way to my goal (125); however, I'm close to half way and I feel like a different person.
I even have a crush that I'm trying to keep under control - i.e. realistically tell myself that nothing will ever come of it so stop your pining and prevent your own future heartache.
I weighed in and measured at the gym on Saturday. Since May 2009, I've lost 43lbs and 51.25 inches. I had to add the numbers twice!
I'm keeping my calories under 500 as much as possible. I'm for sure not allowing myself to go over 800 on "eat out to fit in" days. I'm working out 4 times a week. I'm feeling great and starting to feel pretty. I find myself smiling and feeling more outgoing. The anger and bitterness is starting to go back into their hole.
I'm on my way to feeling like living again. It's about time.
I fully realize that I'm not even half way to my goal (125); however, I'm close to half way and I feel like a different person.
I even have a crush that I'm trying to keep under control - i.e. realistically tell myself that nothing will ever come of it so stop your pining and prevent your own future heartache.
I weighed in and measured at the gym on Saturday. Since May 2009, I've lost 43lbs and 51.25 inches. I had to add the numbers twice!
I'm keeping my calories under 500 as much as possible. I'm for sure not allowing myself to go over 800 on "eat out to fit in" days. I'm working out 4 times a week. I'm feeling great and starting to feel pretty. I find myself smiling and feeling more outgoing. The anger and bitterness is starting to go back into their hole.
I'm on my way to feeling like living again. It's about time.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Numbers Game
I weighed in this morning at 166.8! F*ck Yeah! I had my morning vegetarian saugage, then an apple and organic mozzarella cheese stick for lunch. Went to the gym after work and did step aerobics. I couldn't help but notice that my workout pants were loose. Once again I say, "F*ck Yeah!"
I got home and Mom had made me a vegetarian chick pattie and had broccoli, cauliflower and some carrots ready to stir fry. She also sliced an avocado. It irritated me b/c she nuked the pattie so it was tough and I had no desire to stir fry the veggies. I didn't ask her to cook for me, and while it's sweet of her, she's a terrible cook and her food shows her disdain for cooking.
Mom was in the shower when I got home so I took a bite of broccoli and poured the rest of the food (sans the expensive avocado) down the disposal. I put the avocado back in the fridge. It feels so good to eat less than 300 calories in a day and to know that I burned more than that working out. I love this sense of control. I love seeing results.
It's finally happening for me and it's about f*cking time.
I got home and Mom had made me a vegetarian chick pattie and had broccoli, cauliflower and some carrots ready to stir fry. She also sliced an avocado. It irritated me b/c she nuked the pattie so it was tough and I had no desire to stir fry the veggies. I didn't ask her to cook for me, and while it's sweet of her, she's a terrible cook and her food shows her disdain for cooking.
Mom was in the shower when I got home so I took a bite of broccoli and poured the rest of the food (sans the expensive avocado) down the disposal. I put the avocado back in the fridge. It feels so good to eat less than 300 calories in a day and to know that I burned more than that working out. I love this sense of control. I love seeing results.
It's finally happening for me and it's about f*cking time.
Monday, October 11, 2010
160's!!!!
I hit 169.4 today. When I saw one-SIX-nine on the scale this morning, I can't begin to describe the feeling of euphoria. At the same time, I reminded myself that I got down to 167ish three years ago and was feeling good about myself and then saw a picture of me in my new clothes and the "happy weight loss" high immediately ended and I packed on the pounds again.
I'm trying to stay grounded. My eating has been good with the exception of a 1200 calorie day on Friday. I let myself have 1/2 a quesadilla & a small ceasar salad and then Mom made dinner w/refried beans (she bought them and of course she didn't get the fat free brand)...so, I would've stayed under 1000 if I could had control over my dinner that night.
Speaking of control - I would've been able to completely fast today if Mom hadn't asked me about dinner. She was in a mood where she would've been uncomfortably pissed if I had told her no thank you...so my calories came in under 300 today. I've had several less than 500 calorie days. I love those days - especially when I workout as well.
I'm in 14's now, though they are snug. I'm starting to see my old body again...I'm starting to feel pretty again.
I like my new job and the people I work with. I want to write about my "elevator encounter" and the "mis-sent text" but I'm too tired. I cleaned out my garage and two closets today. It's almost 11:30 and I should have been in bed an hour ago.
I'm trying to stay grounded. My eating has been good with the exception of a 1200 calorie day on Friday. I let myself have 1/2 a quesadilla & a small ceasar salad and then Mom made dinner w/refried beans (she bought them and of course she didn't get the fat free brand)...so, I would've stayed under 1000 if I could had control over my dinner that night.
Speaking of control - I would've been able to completely fast today if Mom hadn't asked me about dinner. She was in a mood where she would've been uncomfortably pissed if I had told her no thank you...so my calories came in under 300 today. I've had several less than 500 calorie days. I love those days - especially when I workout as well.
I'm in 14's now, though they are snug. I'm starting to see my old body again...I'm starting to feel pretty again.
I like my new job and the people I work with. I want to write about my "elevator encounter" and the "mis-sent text" but I'm too tired. I cleaned out my garage and two closets today. It's almost 11:30 and I should have been in bed an hour ago.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
