meltdown

I had one tonight - a meltdown, that is. I went away last weekend and blew my diet on Friday (at 1675 calories...the most ever). Saturday, I managed to stay under 1000 calories and I was back on track Sunday. I went 3 days without working out and with the increased calories, I managed to gain 3lbs (I was down to 159.8 on Thursday 10/21. The trip was terrible and the weather completely ruined my plans...typical.

I purged for the first time in a long time (probably 4 weeks or so) in the hotel room. My friend and I shared a room and I snuck the ice bucket into the bathroom and pretended to take a bath while I did it.

I'm starting to feel more and more overwhelmed at work. I need to stay late and get on top of things, but that would mean I miss my aerobics class, which would mean I would stop losing, which would mean I would stay fat, which would mean I might as well curl up and die.

Tonight, I really wanted to stay, but I also really needed the workout. The instructor didn't show last night and I only got in about 30 minutes of low impact cardio. Well, tonight, a different instructor didn't show and I felt sheer anger swell up inside my veins. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I wanted to go off on the manager. I wasn't kind - they knew I was pissed, but I held it in and left.

Great. Now I haven't had a serious workout in 5 days! So, I went shopping instead. I've spent money that I don't need to be spending on a new wardrobe. I've skimped on some things and splurged on others. Right now, 14's are a little big on me and 12's are a little snug. I have a lot of clothes that I can't wear and it's frustrating in my new work environment where I'm surrounded by thin, pretty, professional women who have husbands and fiance's to support them so they can spend til their hearts are content on pretty clothes.

I found several new pieces tonight, including a cowl-neck dress that I feel gorgeous in. However, at the same time, I'm having to remind myself that I'm still a fat@ss and the guy I can't stop thinking about & crushing over has no idea I exist. He doesn't even know my name. We've made eye contact. I've seen him look at me. He's said "hi" to me, but I also know that I cannot gauge the difference between regular attention men give to women and "I'm-attracted-to-you-attention". I have absolutely no idea how to tell the difference and I've read men wrong all my life, so why would I get it correct now?

God, this blog is so self-serving and whiny. I broke down in tears twice tonight. I think I'm about to start my period. I'm a mess and I f*cking hate hormones. I hope I am about to start my period - at least that would explain the 3lb gain and inability to lose it.

FML. Really.