i want it back

I want to get back to that place in life where everything is new and hopeful. Where synicsm hasn't stolen my faith in people, in God. I want to be in a place where I don't know what my future will hold, but I feel something's going to be so good that I can't wait to get there.

I had those moments in my late teens, early twenties. I killed them when I killed the life that was growing inside of me. I let the rejection that followed bury itself so deep inside me that it took hold and poisoned my joy.

I want it back.

It was a stay in bed Saturday. The kind of Saturday that usually happens. Mother has been in bed all day and hasn't said much of anything - has even closed her door. This probably mean she's angry with me. I've said no more than ten words today. I spent the day on the internet. Looking through photos. Living through photos. Dreaming of the life I want. I ate an entire box of popsicles. I watered the backyard and front patio. I watched documentaries about "The States" on the History Channel.

I've been wrapped up in my head all day. Thinking, thinking, thinking. I want to start reading more. Want to write more. Want to plan. I want to act on my planning. I want to live. I don't want to live like anyone else either.