The sun never seems to come out long enough - literally or figuratively. I took off last Thu and Fri. In bed all day Thu. Friday, it took everything in me to paint over the water stains from leaks in the living room. Then I realized that guy at the paint store didn't give me the right finish. Went back to bed.
In bed most of the day Sat and Sun.
Forgot I promised a friend I would take pictures of her baby and lied to her about being out of town.
I lie to everyone. All the time.
Sunday, I discovered standing water in the floor vents. More and more and more money...haven't been able to pay the mortgage this month. Not because I don't have the money, but b/c of the anxiety paying bills brings.
Who will take care of me when my savings runs out?
Who will love me when my Mother dies?
Who will care for her if I die before she does?
I can't shut these thoughts off. I made an appointment with a podiatrist and with a general practitioner. The podiatrist is next week. The GP is the week after that.
I've been researching Adderall. Don't know if my insurance will cover it or not.
Mom's prescriptions can no longer be filled. She hasn't scheduled an appointment. She doesn't have insurance. I'm worried about her not getting her blood pressure medication especially.
My thoughts aren't consistent anymore. My moods change second by second. I have no passion. Photography has become a chore. Work is punishment. Food is temporary love...the only satisfaction I feel anymore and it never lasts.
I am not okay and it's scarry.
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