unsunny

The sun never seems to come out long enough - literally or figuratively. I took off last Thu and Fri. In bed all day Thu. Friday, it took everything in me to paint over the water stains from leaks in the living room. Then I realized that guy at the paint store didn't give me the right finish. Went back to bed.

In bed most of the day Sat and Sun.

Forgot I promised a friend I would take pictures of her baby and lied to her about being out of town.

I lie to everyone. All the time.

Sunday, I discovered standing water in the floor vents. More and more and more money...haven't been able to pay the mortgage this month. Not because I don't have the money, but b/c of the anxiety paying bills brings.

Who will take care of me when my savings runs out?

Who will love me when my Mother dies?

Who will care for her if I die before she does?

I can't shut these thoughts off. I made an appointment with a podiatrist and with a general practitioner. The podiatrist is next week. The GP is the week after that.

I've been researching Adderall. Don't know if my insurance will cover it or not.

Mom's prescriptions can no longer be filled. She hasn't scheduled an appointment. She doesn't have insurance. I'm worried about her not getting her blood pressure medication especially.

My thoughts aren't consistent anymore. My moods change second by second. I have no passion. Photography has become a chore. Work is punishment. Food is temporary love...the only satisfaction I feel anymore and it never lasts.

I am not okay and it's scarry.

working it out

Career: transfer to downtown location for more exposure

Weight: start w/30min lunch workouts 3x/week + 1hr workouts 4x/week

Diet: bring calories initially down to 1000/day

Mind: start reading 1 book/month & increase photography time

Emotions: get on antidepressant (no increase in appetite)

Health: bunion surgery (do before moving downtown)

Skin: start using anti-wrinkle cream

Makeup: MAC makeover at 40lb weight loss

Start at end of heavy work season (soon)

*uck misery

I'm done being miserable. I want to be thin and happy and rich. I don't care if that's shallow - that's what I want. Thin, I can control. Happy, I can choose (I think). Rich, is going to take some work, but I will get there. I will.

I want to stop allowing depression to take a stronghold in my life. I'm tired of giving in.

I want to laugh and travel and shop and enjoy life.

I want my Mom to be happy. I want my Mom to feel loved.

I want to choose to get out of bed on the weekends.

I want to stop judging people and finding reasons not to trust them.

I want to be in control.

I want to be free.

Today's List
Shower
Hair/Makeup
Clean out trash in car (it's ridiculous)
Write case outline (work)
Write presentation (work)
Write list of things to do

i want it back

I want to get back to that place in life where everything is new and hopeful. Where synicsm hasn't stolen my faith in people, in God. I want to be in a place where I don't know what my future will hold, but I feel something's going to be so good that I can't wait to get there.

I had those moments in my late teens, early twenties. I killed them when I killed the life that was growing inside of me. I let the rejection that followed bury itself so deep inside me that it took hold and poisoned my joy.

I want it back.

It was a stay in bed Saturday. The kind of Saturday that usually happens. Mother has been in bed all day and hasn't said much of anything - has even closed her door. This probably mean she's angry with me. I've said no more than ten words today. I spent the day on the internet. Looking through photos. Living through photos. Dreaming of the life I want. I ate an entire box of popsicles. I watered the backyard and front patio. I watched documentaries about "The States" on the History Channel.

I've been wrapped up in my head all day. Thinking, thinking, thinking. I want to start reading more. Want to write more. Want to plan. I want to act on my planning. I want to live. I don't want to live like anyone else either.

weeds and clouds

sadness like weeds
can't think
can't sleep
soundly

dark clouds hover
something's wrong
worse than before

no light
stolen hope
barely hanging on

barely

can't sleep

1 in the morning
didn't accomplish all
house clean
insurance not cooperative
annoying
will file again in 10

no work motivation
one lazy coworker
another obnoxious
words replay
anger

why do i care
no one else seems to

food:
1 orange cinnamon roll
1 BOX pomegranate popsicles
1 side salad w/ranch
1 serv. fried slimy veggie (can't think of name)
2 serv. baked potato salad
3.5 serv. tortilla chips
1 serv. tomatillo sauce
1 cubic inch sharp cheddar cheese

workout:
0

FML

the day before normal

This is my typical weekend pattern:
Friday night: margaritas and Mexican food with one of two friends or go home and eat dinner with Mom and watch TV...go to bed around midnight.

Saturday: sleep in, wake up around 9:30, eat unhealthy breakfast, surf the internet for hours and hours and hours in bed. 5pm get out of bed and get drive-thru. Go back to bed and/or watch television or a movie in the living room. Go to sleep around midnight if I don't water the garden.

Sunday: repeat Saturday, except at 5pm, start freaking out b/c I haven't done laundry, haven't cleaned house, haven't changed the litter box, haven't accomplished anything...work up the motivation to clean and do laundry around 6 or 7pm. End up in bed around midnight.

On three day weekends, just add another Saturday. Occasionally I work up the energy to go to the grocery store on Sunday. I never have a list and get there and have an anxiety attack b/c I can't plan out what I need for the week.

Monday morning, I turn into a functional human being...but only when I walk through my office door.

I have a meeting with my insurance adjuster in the morning. I don't have to be at work until 1:15. I didn't do all of my laundry and didn't clean at all. I should have time to get some things done in the morning.

I wanted to start working out after work tomorrow. Sabotage.

I had plans to go to lunch with a friend on Sunday. I ignored her text and missed it. I texted her tonight and lied about having a crazy weekend that caused me to forget. I apologized. I haven't done this to her before (at least not that I remember). This is one of the ways I lose friends. I couldn't deal with it on Sunday. I couldn't deal with much of anything this week or weekend.

I'm PMS'ing right now. My emotions exacerbate significantly. In a day or so, I'll be less dramatic and more reasonable (fingers crossed). I'll probably read this and my previous post next week and cringe. Oh well - I promised to be honest. This is me and all my ridiculous honesty.

Tomorrow:
- strip/wash sheets
- finish laundry
- change/clean litter box
- scrub bathroom
- dust entire house
- vacuum entire house
- take out trash
- pack gym bag
- buy scales
- buy fruit & veggies

ambitious. we'll see.