saturday night success

I did it! I passed up two of my favorite comforts in the whole world - chips & dip and red wine (technically three comforts, but the chips & dip are kind of a paired match). I went to a game night at a friend of a friend's house around 8. I ate before hand at 5 (veggie "chik" pattie, 1/2 avocado & 1C green beans). The chips and dip were out on the table when I got there, along with some Cheez-Its (another favorite). Then two more people arrived with red wine and two party trays with cheese (my staple), veggies and ranch dip. Finally, the last person arrived with Chik-Fil-A (I don't eat meat, but the smell of Chik-Fil-A makes me salivate).

We were there playing games until 12:05am and all I had was water! That's right! Water!!!! H2O!!! Who am I? I even stopped at Taco Bell and ordered my Mom a crispy taco/sub beans for meat and didn't order anything for me.

Phentermine is my new hero (today I took 1/2 around 11am and another 1/2 around 3pm). It's 1:14 in the morning, however, and I'm not the least bit sleepy. I'm hoping journaling my success and then logging in the last of my calories on SparkPeople will calm me down.

Dear God, I love this stuff!!!!

out of the 190's!

I weighed in at 188 this morning! Haven't seen the 180's in a year!

i need possibilities

I've been trying to figure out how I can go from wishing for death to beginning to look for a future in just a matter of days. I think the secret lies within the possibility of weight loss and hope in a pill...a pill that has be up at 3:34am.

I lost hope. All I could and to a certain extent, can see, is a lonely life with only my mother and no one to love me other than food. I would exist in my bed and get up only to get something to eat or use the bathroom. I would live through movies and sitcoms and documentaries that allowed me to escape and forget my loneliness.

Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm suffering from loneliness rather than depression?

I saw myself in the mirror at work for the first time in a long time. I have stopped wearing a lot of makeup - partly because I don't have the energy or desire to put forth the effort and partly because I feel like I don't deserve to wear makeup when I'm so fat.

I understood what Mom meant when she said she doesn't recognize me anymore and that I look like I'm thirteen. I saw sadness manifest in my skin. My face sags and my eyes are shallow. I hated myself at thirteen and thought I would never be loved. Here I am at thirty-five with the exact same feelings...wtf?

I keep feeling like a little girl trapped in her thoughts. I keep thinking about my father and how he would have lived his life if he knew he would die at fifty-eight. He knew he was dying at fifty-seven. Why didn't he tell me he was sorry for the divorce? I don't think he realized that he chose other women over me. It's hard to see our faults.

What are my faults? I'm self centered. I'm overly judgmental of other people. I'm moody. I'm greedy. I can be mean and rude. I live inside my head rather than in my life. I am jealous of other people and what they have. I am reckless with money and eating. I am overly sensitive and cannot handle the same criticism that I dole out to others - especially those close to me. I never show anyone the 'real' me in my 'real' life...never. I regret whenever I open up and give someone a glimpse of who I am. I am dependent on stimulants (ephedra & caffeine). I worry for no reason. I am hipocritical about my faith. I wallow in self pity. I hurt others feelings so they will feel just as badly inside as I do.

Can I change these? How can I change them? Am I willing to change? I am motivated now to change my physical appearance - I've started restricting, exercising and taking phentermine. I've started using a firming/antiwrinkle cream at night. What have I done to change who I am inside? It's no wonder I don't attract men. Who would want to be with someone as negative and fat as I am? Can I change without going to therapy? And why can't I pray anymore? I feel either abandoned by or duped by the idea of a personal God, while at the same time, knowing in my heart He exists.

All these thoughts fly around my head all day and all night. I can think about all of these things and yet I can't make myself face paying bills that I have the money to pay - I'm afraid of it...I hate letting go to the money and yet, in the end, I end up paying more in late fees.

If I can just focus on the possibility of weight loss right now and start seeing results, maybe the rest will fall into place.

starting point

Things are starting to get better. The depression started lifting on its own last week. I went to the gym three times last week and did step aerobics/walking for an hour each time. It had a significant effect on my mood, but not my energy level.

I spent the weekend in bed again, but was miserable doing it. I wanted out so badly. I think I had the energy to get out, and I knew I needed to run some errands and clean house and pay bills, but there was something stopping me. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like part of my brain(slash-)soul has been paralyzed from a pseudo stroke. There's always the possibility of getting better, but I need the right treatment in order to exercise my way there slowly. I don't know what all those steps entail and I don't know where to look. All I know is that more than any of the other bullship in my life - my weight depresses me the most.

Yesterday I went to a medical weight loss clinic. I spent $105.00 dollars (only paid my co-pay) and walked out with Phentermine, Chromium Picolinate, Fish Oil tabs and a multi-vitamin. I had the option of paying an even more ridiculous amount for HCG, but after doing some research online, I have concluded it's nothing more than a low calorie diet with psychosomatic results.

I was prescribed 37.5mg of Phentermine and told to take 1/2 at 10am and 1/2 at 2pm. I took one that morning and to tell you the truth, the only thing I really felt was happy. I felt a sense of "happiness" within 10 minutes. I didn't feel jittery or like I had a rush of energy...just "happy".

I took it again today - same effect. I struggled with hunger though, but came out at 830 calories and burned 536 at the gym. I went to Cato's after the gym for a return and then to the grocery store. I didn't overdo it at the grocery store and came home and ate some broccoli/carrot coleslaw. I had to fight off hunger pangs, but used them as motivation (when I get into restrict mode, I get addicted to that feeling).

I took my melatonin at 10:45 and haven't been able to shut my mind off. Insomnia is a side effect.

I thought I'd post an entry to try and shut my mind off.

I found out today that I won't start my new position until the end of Sept. or beginning of Oct. I'm tired of where I am currently, but this gives me six weeks to lose weight! I can take back some of the expensive fat clothes I bought a couple of weeks ago!!!!

I'm setting a goal of losing 25lbs in six weeks. That's a little more than 4lbs per week. I think if I can stick to restricting and working out, it can be done. I'm only going to do cardio and no weights. I want to be in a size 14 when I start my new position.

the summer of my discontent

Tomorrow is the last day of my summer vacation. It was spent mostly in bed. I slept and slept. I escaped in movies and online games. I went to the grocery store once. I slammed my door and when Mother confronted me and made accusations that made me want to beat the living shit out of her, I stared at my computer and ignored her. She told me my countenance had changed and if she saw me on the street, she wouldn't recognize me. No shit. She begged me to get help. I continued to ignore her. To her, help would be sitting in a room surrounded by people praying in tongues and casting demons out of me. She's done it dozens of times and is still a fucking mess, but she'd never admit that. I tried to get help in my 20's. When she found out I was seeing a psychologist, she belittled me. More and more of me hates her every day. The part of me that loves her and wants a relationship with her gets smaller and smaller every day.

That night, I drank a bottle of Vodka, took a phenergan and the last bit of cough syrup with Loratab in it, as well as a little wine. I woke up around 3:30am and my bed was full of vomit - black, thick vomit. It was everywhere....everywhere. I all over my floor and my hair was soaked. I didn't remember throwing up. I didn't remember getting out of bed. I had a blackout. I found an empty bottle of benadryl that I don't remember or know how it ended up on my counter. I showered and cleaned as much up as possible while I was still drunk. It scared me. At one point, I wondered if I were dead and was having a surreal experience. At another point, I was afraid I had killed Mother and would find her dead. I think I tried to kill myself that night. I think I came close.

I had to sleep until 10:30 to feel semi-okay again. I didn't want to keep my plans with C to have lunch and then a massage and facial. I followed through. I struggled to think of things to say. I struggled more than ever to appear normal, witty and fun. While I was being massaged, it dawned on me that it was the most I had been touched in years. While I received my facial, I thought I should be enjoying this more than I was... it's like my senses are so dulled that pleasure barely reaches my soul.

I am thirtyfive years old. I am alone and in debt. I have become the doctor I dreamt of being but haven't felt the fulfillment that I thought it would bring. I don't know how to stop focusing on what I don't have. I am severely obese and have an addiction to food that seems unstoppable.

I know I need help. I just don't know where to start. I feel like if I opened up my soul, it would look like a hoarder's home. I feel like a hoarder who has so much built up that I don't know where to start.

results

I took several Happiness inventory tests. They mostly told me that I am profoundly depressed and need to seek professional help. The heart-stabbing pain left for a while. It came back this weekend. It was nice while it was gone.

My thoughts are all disjointed.

I start a new job in a couple of weeks. I didn't get the one I wanted...I suppose I haven't proven myself yet. I don't know if I ever will.

Had a migraine today.

Was suppose to shoot a birthday party on Saturday. I lied via text and made up a fender bender and then turned my phone off so I wouldn't have to deal with it.

I am not reliable.

Tonight, my Mom said she wished she'd just die. She's been saying that for exactly thirty years - to me at least... she's wanted to die a lot longer than that. I do too.