i need possibilities

I've been trying to figure out how I can go from wishing for death to beginning to look for a future in just a matter of days. I think the secret lies within the possibility of weight loss and hope in a pill...a pill that has be up at 3:34am.

I lost hope. All I could and to a certain extent, can see, is a lonely life with only my mother and no one to love me other than food. I would exist in my bed and get up only to get something to eat or use the bathroom. I would live through movies and sitcoms and documentaries that allowed me to escape and forget my loneliness.

Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm suffering from loneliness rather than depression?

I saw myself in the mirror at work for the first time in a long time. I have stopped wearing a lot of makeup - partly because I don't have the energy or desire to put forth the effort and partly because I feel like I don't deserve to wear makeup when I'm so fat.

I understood what Mom meant when she said she doesn't recognize me anymore and that I look like I'm thirteen. I saw sadness manifest in my skin. My face sags and my eyes are shallow. I hated myself at thirteen and thought I would never be loved. Here I am at thirty-five with the exact same feelings...wtf?

I keep feeling like a little girl trapped in her thoughts. I keep thinking about my father and how he would have lived his life if he knew he would die at fifty-eight. He knew he was dying at fifty-seven. Why didn't he tell me he was sorry for the divorce? I don't think he realized that he chose other women over me. It's hard to see our faults.

What are my faults? I'm self centered. I'm overly judgmental of other people. I'm moody. I'm greedy. I can be mean and rude. I live inside my head rather than in my life. I am jealous of other people and what they have. I am reckless with money and eating. I am overly sensitive and cannot handle the same criticism that I dole out to others - especially those close to me. I never show anyone the 'real' me in my 'real' life...never. I regret whenever I open up and give someone a glimpse of who I am. I am dependent on stimulants (ephedra & caffeine). I worry for no reason. I am hipocritical about my faith. I wallow in self pity. I hurt others feelings so they will feel just as badly inside as I do.

Can I change these? How can I change them? Am I willing to change? I am motivated now to change my physical appearance - I've started restricting, exercising and taking phentermine. I've started using a firming/antiwrinkle cream at night. What have I done to change who I am inside? It's no wonder I don't attract men. Who would want to be with someone as negative and fat as I am? Can I change without going to therapy? And why can't I pray anymore? I feel either abandoned by or duped by the idea of a personal God, while at the same time, knowing in my heart He exists.

All these thoughts fly around my head all day and all night. I can think about all of these things and yet I can't make myself face paying bills that I have the money to pay - I'm afraid of it...I hate letting go to the money and yet, in the end, I end up paying more in late fees.

If I can just focus on the possibility of weight loss right now and start seeing results, maybe the rest will fall into place.