not too bad

Last Monday was the day before my period. Normally, I cry and feel suicidal. That didn't happen at all...phentermine effect? Because I didn't get ready for a huge work project, I ended up cramming on Monday night and being ready to go on Tuesday. By Tuesday, I started my period, but was too busy at work to notice. I barely ate at all and wasn't hungry either. I didn't lose, however, which is a complete let down, but at least I didn't gain on account of my period. By Friday, my project was complete and I wanted to eat out so badly...I was craving chips and salsa and cheese dip. A co-worker went with me...I had chips, cheese sauce, salsa, & borato (avocado, fried onions, fried jalapenos and fresh tomatoes). We got back to the office and my boss slices a gorgeous bakery-made double layer strawberry cake with cream cheese icing. I had a small slice and immediately felt regret.

Panic started to set in. I had done so well and then went and blew it. I got a plastic food container out of the kitchen and took it back to my office. I locked my door and filled it completely up. I got interrupted and had to stop and take care of an on-call matter. Once it was finished, I went back in my office, locked the door again and threw up until I couldn't anymore. It was so relieving. I've never purged at the office before (that I can remember). I took my trash can liner, wrapped it up and threw it away in the large trash can in the kitchen. I made sure there was enough trash on top that no one would notice.

My friend C. asked me to go to a wine tour on Saturday. I hesitantly agreed...I knew I needed to get out, but I really would've preferred to stay in bed all day (pretty much what I've done today). I mustered up the strength to go and enjoyed myself. I took small sips of wine...in total, I probably had 3/4th of a normal glass of wine. I ordered a salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing and restrained from eating the candied pecans on it. I've allowed myself to eat cheese, but had a hard time resisting the delicious buttered, flavored crackers...I think I had 3.

All in all...I did extremely well for a road trip - never ate any fast food and kept my calories under 900. I took 4 laxatives before going to bed and woke up this morning getting rid of a lot of "junk" that has kept me constipated for the past week.

While we were on our road trip, I struggled over not being the driver and having control. There were so many times I wanted to stop and shoot and C. never said a word. I saw some beautiful tree covered hills...I'd forgot what it was like to take a road trip and be surrounded by beautiful scenery. It's funny how you're able to forget what life feels like when it hurts so badly to live it. I can't say that I truly had fun and appreciated what I saw. I didn't have an epiphany, like, "This is what I've been missing out on...how could I have wasted so much of my life?" I think I'm over that stage. I've wasted most of my life. Now, I'm just trying to figure out how to get by without wishing it would hurry up and be over... And the only way I want to do it, is with a thin body... So I guess before I can let myself get on with living, I'm going to have to starve my ass off literally.

Things with Mom are getting better, but there's still a lot of anger hidden under the softening exterior of our relationship. A lot of what I'm doing is faking being interested in what she has to say. I texted her every time we were headed to another town and felt fucking ridiculous doing it. I'm 3& g-damn years old. The entire drive home I worried that she would act like a hateful bitch because I'd been gone all day and left her with the animals. She was fine when I got home. She's unpredictable. It's hard. I have so much pent up resentment. I really do think the phentermine is helping though - more so with my depression than my weight loss. Am I someone who's missing neurotransmitters and needs a stimulant to feel normal?

I did terribly today and it was partly b/c I didn't keep myself busy. When all I do is sit in bed, watch TV and fool around on the Internet, all I can think of is food. I had photos to edit, but I haven't been able to even upload them to my laptop. I just don't have the drive and interest in photography that I use to have. That makes me sad, because it use to be so challenging and fulfilling.

I'm still at 185. I really, really, really want to lose another 5lbs this coming week. That's going to be my goal. I've got to stay under 600 calories this week and workout at least 4 times.