Four and a half months after starting my weight loss project, I've finally reached a healthy BMI, I'm at the high end of my normal weight range. I'm wearing a size 8 (haven't done that since 1995. I've got men paying attention to me. I'm receiving compliments and making people gasp when they see how much weight I've lost. I'm making new friends at work and being asked to do things...invited to parties and to dinners and to go places.
And yet...
My relationship with my mother is more strained than it's ever been in the past 10 years. My spending is more out of control than it's been in the past 6 years. My self esteem is lower than it's been in the past 12 years. And my eating disorder is more in control now than it's been in the past 14 years.
I won't give up. I plan on losing at least 20 more pounds. I want to be a size 4-6. I also have loose skin that I'm working on shrinking. I look "okay" in my clothes, but I look more average than anything.
I don't know what to do about my mother. If I had the money - I'd buy us separate houses, condos or a duplex. She doesn't comment on my weight. She doesn't comment on my clothes. She doesn't really talk to me other than to complain about being left with my animals. I'm not what she wanted in a daughter. I'm never going to be. I tried. I tried very hard to believe the way she does. To go to the same church she does. To practice the same faith she does. But it's not me. It's never going to be me and I feel resentful that I've wasted the past 10+ years trying to mold myself into what I perceive as who she wants me to be rather than finding out who I really am and what I really believe.
I'm tired of trying with her and just wish she had a means of providing for herself.
I'm just tired and ready to be happy.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Carbs are the Devil
And I haven't craved them since I started this eating plan... I mean, really, really crave. But yesterday, I got hungry in the afternoon and was at my desk where some Keebler cheese on cheese crackers beckoned me. I hearkened unto their call. They were delicious and hit the spot.
They also f'd up my entire food intake for the day. I've been trying to stay at or under 350 calories and have been doing a fairly decent job...certainly, I have stayed under 500 calories for several weeks now.
Then yesterday happened. Like a serpent with a pomegranate...and I have no room to criticize Eve...I am Eve. Yesterday I had 611 calories. AND to top it off, my aerobics instructor cancelled class so instead I jogged 1 mile (THE ENTIRE TIME). I haven't done that since college. It was only 10 minutes, but it kicked my butt. I can do 2hr aerobics and circuit training workouts, but one 10 minute mile had me feeling like my lungs would collapse. Either way - I still burned 1208 calories yesterday.
Today, however, was ugly. Not only did I eat 1 package of Keebler crackers...I ate TWO. OINK OINK. THEN after my workout I stopped at 7-11 to get gas and decided to go inside and buy small packages of almonds to take to work and munch on when I get hungry. Is that all I got? NO! Why? Because all I could think of while working out were mutha f*ing CARBS! So what did I do about it? Did I resist the devil and his shiny apple? Nope - I bought a 7.5oz bag of Gardetto's Cheddar Chipotle snack mix. Did I just allow myself one 150kcal serving? Hell NO! I ate the entire freaking bag! ALL 750 calories of it!!!! That's more than I ate all day long yesterday! Ugh. I'm so disgusted with myself.
Today's calorie count came in at 1553 calories! Thank God for my 2hr workout - it put me at 1247kcals burned. If not for exercise - I would be downing laxatives right now (I'm still resisting the urge to take them).
In other news, I got "scolded" today for leaving a sarcastic note in a file about a young, twatty little co-worker who acted like a 16yo JV cheerleader who had just been dissed by an 18yo Varsity cheerleader (varsity being me). My new supervisor was cool about it though and basically told me I was right, I just didn't need to actually write out what I did...she said I could make up my own symbols, which I appreciated.
I went to the doctor yesterday and have lost 10lbs in 1 month (I really wish it was 15 or 20, but I'll take 10). I lost 3 inches off my waist (since last month's measuring). My neck stayed the same and my hips went up, which make no sense to me. I think it's just the way I was measured b/c I'm going down in dress sizes. My body fat has gone down from over 40% to 34%. Yeah - I have a long way to go. I'm starting to worry about having loose skin.
As for the mother situation...she's back to being 88% normal.
As for "the crush"...and yes, I know I said I wasn't going to obsess over him any more, but I have no life and nothing else to do, so "the crush" remains in effect. Here's what I don't get... I know that the way a man reacts to you tells you whether he's into you. Lots of attention = way into you. No attention = not into you at all. So, Monday, I got up early and wore a gorgeous new winter white cowl neck sweater. I did my hair in an updo to accentuate my neck. I got a ridiculous amount of compliments (men and women AGAIN).
AND here's how our encounter went... We both met up at the elevators at the same time. Made slight eye contact. I pressed the button and he stepped several feet away from me, but in an awkward way...like he was too uncomfortable to be around me. Then, it was like he was trying specifically to AVOID making eye contact with me. Once we got on the elevator, he moved to the opposite side and started talking to another man.
I'm just saying... It's weird. It's not like a normal - he has no idea and/or interest in me. It's like he's making a concerted effort to avoid me. There can be absolutely no way he knows that I'm into him and trying to get his attention. So, I'm wondering what all this means. Most likely, it means NOTHING and he's just not into me. At all. As usual. FML.
They also f'd up my entire food intake for the day. I've been trying to stay at or under 350 calories and have been doing a fairly decent job...certainly, I have stayed under 500 calories for several weeks now.
Then yesterday happened. Like a serpent with a pomegranate...and I have no room to criticize Eve...I am Eve. Yesterday I had 611 calories. AND to top it off, my aerobics instructor cancelled class so instead I jogged 1 mile (THE ENTIRE TIME). I haven't done that since college. It was only 10 minutes, but it kicked my butt. I can do 2hr aerobics and circuit training workouts, but one 10 minute mile had me feeling like my lungs would collapse. Either way - I still burned 1208 calories yesterday.
Today, however, was ugly. Not only did I eat 1 package of Keebler crackers...I ate TWO. OINK OINK. THEN after my workout I stopped at 7-11 to get gas and decided to go inside and buy small packages of almonds to take to work and munch on when I get hungry. Is that all I got? NO! Why? Because all I could think of while working out were mutha f*ing CARBS! So what did I do about it? Did I resist the devil and his shiny apple? Nope - I bought a 7.5oz bag of Gardetto's Cheddar Chipotle snack mix. Did I just allow myself one 150kcal serving? Hell NO! I ate the entire freaking bag! ALL 750 calories of it!!!! That's more than I ate all day long yesterday! Ugh. I'm so disgusted with myself.
Today's calorie count came in at 1553 calories! Thank God for my 2hr workout - it put me at 1247kcals burned. If not for exercise - I would be downing laxatives right now (I'm still resisting the urge to take them).
In other news, I got "scolded" today for leaving a sarcastic note in a file about a young, twatty little co-worker who acted like a 16yo JV cheerleader who had just been dissed by an 18yo Varsity cheerleader (varsity being me). My new supervisor was cool about it though and basically told me I was right, I just didn't need to actually write out what I did...she said I could make up my own symbols, which I appreciated.
I went to the doctor yesterday and have lost 10lbs in 1 month (I really wish it was 15 or 20, but I'll take 10). I lost 3 inches off my waist (since last month's measuring). My neck stayed the same and my hips went up, which make no sense to me. I think it's just the way I was measured b/c I'm going down in dress sizes. My body fat has gone down from over 40% to 34%. Yeah - I have a long way to go. I'm starting to worry about having loose skin.
As for the mother situation...she's back to being 88% normal.
As for "the crush"...and yes, I know I said I wasn't going to obsess over him any more, but I have no life and nothing else to do, so "the crush" remains in effect. Here's what I don't get... I know that the way a man reacts to you tells you whether he's into you. Lots of attention = way into you. No attention = not into you at all. So, Monday, I got up early and wore a gorgeous new winter white cowl neck sweater. I did my hair in an updo to accentuate my neck. I got a ridiculous amount of compliments (men and women AGAIN).
AND here's how our encounter went... We both met up at the elevators at the same time. Made slight eye contact. I pressed the button and he stepped several feet away from me, but in an awkward way...like he was too uncomfortable to be around me. Then, it was like he was trying specifically to AVOID making eye contact with me. Once we got on the elevator, he moved to the opposite side and started talking to another man.
I'm just saying... It's weird. It's not like a normal - he has no idea and/or interest in me. It's like he's making a concerted effort to avoid me. There can be absolutely no way he knows that I'm into him and trying to get his attention. So, I'm wondering what all this means. Most likely, it means NOTHING and he's just not into me. At all. As usual. FML.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Completely Unnoticed
Yep...I got up early yesterday morning b/c I knew I would see "the crush". I had a new black pencil skirt dress with a pretty beaded pink cardigan picked out to wear (with Spanx underneath of course). I took extra time doing my hair up with some whisps falling down on my face. And I made sure my makeup wasn't too much, but was enough to bring out my eyes...I even pencil-lined my lips.
I got multiple compliments from men and women. And...he walked right past me without even blinking. No eye contact. No slight head turn. Nothing.
And that's the sum of the effect I have on men. FML
In other news - Mom is still giving the silent Tx and I weighed in at 153 this morning.
I got multiple compliments from men and women. And...he walked right past me without even blinking. No eye contact. No slight head turn. Nothing.
And that's the sum of the effect I have on men. FML
In other news - Mom is still giving the silent Tx and I weighed in at 153 this morning.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Silent Treatmented
I am thinner than I have been in 4 years. I'm able to wear the suits I bought when I first moved here to go to school. Last night I put on the suit I wore to my father's funeral. I have to admit - (FOR ME) - I look great. One of my girlfriends told me her husband said I look hot. My female friends tell me all the time that I look skinny. A man (albeit a sleezeball) paid special attention to me on Thursday when I wore a red little sweater and told me how nice I looked. I'm in 10's! Finally! I'm thinking about taking back the size 12 suits I bought on sale last month b/c they are 12's and almost too big.
I'm able to do 2hr workouts twice a week, on top of my other 1hr workouts (totally a minimum of 6hr workouts/week).
I feel good about myself, although I'm still self critical and know I have a ways to go. BUT, at least I feel GOOD about myself.
Friday night I met up with coworker/friends at a bar and let loose for the first time in probably 5 or 6 years. I had three merlots and 2 lemon drop shots. I wasn't sloppy drunk, but I was happy drunk. So happy drunk that my friends took away my keys and drove me home. I KNEW how pissed my Mom would be. And have been paying for it ever since.
I got up early the next morning to go get my car and she wouldn't talk to me. In fact, when I tried to ask her if she wanted me to leave my dog out or put her up she said, "I don't even want to talk to you right now." She had that same judgmental-you're-not-the-daughter-I-wanted tone in her voice like she did when I was in my twenties.
She hasn't really spoken to me since. I feel like I'm in a loveless marriage and waiting for her to ask for a divorce.
Part of me feels abandoned. Part of me feels rejected. Part of me feels judged. And part of me wants to tell her to f*ck the h*ll off and let me live my g*ddamned life. Seriously! I'm sick and tired of her projecting her manic f*cking depression onto me. I'm not a charismatic christian. I don't want to end up like her...alone, believing I'm all alone b/c it's God's will and one day He'll spontaneously make me a millionaire. She doesn't work. She has "fibromyalsia" which I call b*llsh*t on and uses it as an excuse not to work. She has fantasies about prophecy and the 2nd coming and in the end...she's just like her mother. Alone and resented.
I don't want to end up alone and resented. I don't want to become her. I want her to let me go, but I feel so much guilt about that, that I don't think I will ever sever whatever tie she has to me.
FML FML FML FML
I can't win for losing. I also think she's jealous of the weight I've lost b/c she's not losing that much anymore (probably has something to do with the fact she makes every f*cking excuse in the book to not exercise).
I hate her. I love her. I want to be rid of her. I need her. I'm tired of being judged by her and shunned with her disapproval for not living my life the way SHE wants me to. It's not fair.
I wish I would just meet the man of my dreams who could afford to help me support her and let her live in my house so I could move on. She, of course, wouldn't approve of him b/c he won't be a televangelist or mega-church pastor and that would probably end our relationship forever. I'm afraid for her and how her life will end. I hate that, that is my solution...I wish I could afford alone, to let her live by herself...but that's not realistic with my job and salary. It's the only way out that I see.
And I don't know if that will ever truly happen anyway...
The crush situation...I wore the previously mentioned "red sweater" for him last Thursday. I couldn't tell if he "notice-noticed" me, or if he just looked in my general direction. I can tell you that I made him notice me by hanging around a coworker-friend all afternoon that he had to deal with until he approached her and made eye contact with me. To be perfectly honest...I don't think I turn his head, which makes me feel rejected.
Another friend called me this afternoon to tell me that a man she knows was coming by to meet me/check me out. He's early 40's, 2 kids, not interested in marrying until they're grown (no idea their ages). He did come by. He was attractive and nice. I don't think he was interested either though. I doubt I'll hear anything back. Probably not a good idea to "date" someone who works for the same organization I do anyway. (I tell myself these things to lessen how rejected I feel).
I don't understand what is wrong with me. I know that I'm not really pretty, but I'm not ugly either. I have friends who are much less attractive and have / had no problem. It's like there's almost a supernatural force that binds men from wanting to be with me. Maybe I'm using that as an excuse for my lack of desireability.
I'm tired of thinking about it. My Mom just opened my door without asking or knocking to let my cat in. That was an F-U to me...She never opens my door without asking fist. Fuck her. I fucking hate her.
Becoming thin isn't making me happy internally - it's just an external distraction that gives me something to focus on that I can change. My life...my situation...I'm not sure it will ever change.
If I were perfectly honest, I'd admit to what I think will end up happening to me. I think within the next five years or so I will be diagnosed with cancer and it will take my life. My Mom will help take care of me. Friends will come by and visit. But I won't have anything to look forward too, so it will just be an out for me. I can't say I'm not looking forward to it in a weird way either. My Mom will be taken care of with my life insurance (yes, I have a life insurance policy to make sure she will be financially okay). I worry that it's not enough and she'll blow through it. But I'll be gone and that's all I really want anyway...hopefully, I won't be able to know how things turn out for her.
God, what a fucked up blog entry. When do you think she'll start talking to me again?
I'm able to do 2hr workouts twice a week, on top of my other 1hr workouts (totally a minimum of 6hr workouts/week).
I feel good about myself, although I'm still self critical and know I have a ways to go. BUT, at least I feel GOOD about myself.
Friday night I met up with coworker/friends at a bar and let loose for the first time in probably 5 or 6 years. I had three merlots and 2 lemon drop shots. I wasn't sloppy drunk, but I was happy drunk. So happy drunk that my friends took away my keys and drove me home. I KNEW how pissed my Mom would be. And have been paying for it ever since.
I got up early the next morning to go get my car and she wouldn't talk to me. In fact, when I tried to ask her if she wanted me to leave my dog out or put her up she said, "I don't even want to talk to you right now." She had that same judgmental-you're-not-the-daughter-I-wanted tone in her voice like she did when I was in my twenties.
She hasn't really spoken to me since. I feel like I'm in a loveless marriage and waiting for her to ask for a divorce.
Part of me feels abandoned. Part of me feels rejected. Part of me feels judged. And part of me wants to tell her to f*ck the h*ll off and let me live my g*ddamned life. Seriously! I'm sick and tired of her projecting her manic f*cking depression onto me. I'm not a charismatic christian. I don't want to end up like her...alone, believing I'm all alone b/c it's God's will and one day He'll spontaneously make me a millionaire. She doesn't work. She has "fibromyalsia" which I call b*llsh*t on and uses it as an excuse not to work. She has fantasies about prophecy and the 2nd coming and in the end...she's just like her mother. Alone and resented.
I don't want to end up alone and resented. I don't want to become her. I want her to let me go, but I feel so much guilt about that, that I don't think I will ever sever whatever tie she has to me.
FML FML FML FML
I can't win for losing. I also think she's jealous of the weight I've lost b/c she's not losing that much anymore (probably has something to do with the fact she makes every f*cking excuse in the book to not exercise).
I hate her. I love her. I want to be rid of her. I need her. I'm tired of being judged by her and shunned with her disapproval for not living my life the way SHE wants me to. It's not fair.
I wish I would just meet the man of my dreams who could afford to help me support her and let her live in my house so I could move on. She, of course, wouldn't approve of him b/c he won't be a televangelist or mega-church pastor and that would probably end our relationship forever. I'm afraid for her and how her life will end. I hate that, that is my solution...I wish I could afford alone, to let her live by herself...but that's not realistic with my job and salary. It's the only way out that I see.
And I don't know if that will ever truly happen anyway...
The crush situation...I wore the previously mentioned "red sweater" for him last Thursday. I couldn't tell if he "notice-noticed" me, or if he just looked in my general direction. I can tell you that I made him notice me by hanging around a coworker-friend all afternoon that he had to deal with until he approached her and made eye contact with me. To be perfectly honest...I don't think I turn his head, which makes me feel rejected.
Another friend called me this afternoon to tell me that a man she knows was coming by to meet me/check me out. He's early 40's, 2 kids, not interested in marrying until they're grown (no idea their ages). He did come by. He was attractive and nice. I don't think he was interested either though. I doubt I'll hear anything back. Probably not a good idea to "date" someone who works for the same organization I do anyway. (I tell myself these things to lessen how rejected I feel).
I don't understand what is wrong with me. I know that I'm not really pretty, but I'm not ugly either. I have friends who are much less attractive and have / had no problem. It's like there's almost a supernatural force that binds men from wanting to be with me. Maybe I'm using that as an excuse for my lack of desireability.
I'm tired of thinking about it. My Mom just opened my door without asking or knocking to let my cat in. That was an F-U to me...She never opens my door without asking fist. Fuck her. I fucking hate her.
Becoming thin isn't making me happy internally - it's just an external distraction that gives me something to focus on that I can change. My life...my situation...I'm not sure it will ever change.
If I were perfectly honest, I'd admit to what I think will end up happening to me. I think within the next five years or so I will be diagnosed with cancer and it will take my life. My Mom will help take care of me. Friends will come by and visit. But I won't have anything to look forward too, so it will just be an out for me. I can't say I'm not looking forward to it in a weird way either. My Mom will be taken care of with my life insurance (yes, I have a life insurance policy to make sure she will be financially okay). I worry that it's not enough and she'll blow through it. But I'll be gone and that's all I really want anyway...hopefully, I won't be able to know how things turn out for her.
God, what a fucked up blog entry. When do you think she'll start talking to me again?
Sunday, October 31, 2010
PMpSychotic
I feel like I'm slipping and losing it. I had dinner and drinks with girlfriends on Friday night and ate like a f*cking pig (worse than ever before). I also lied about my past. I don't know why - probably b/c if I told the truth - that I'm a depressive with an ED...well, that would just be too pathetic and honest...I needed something sexier, so I created it. I'm good at that. I do it all the time. No one knows me. I don't think anyone ever will.
Still PMS'ing. Anger and resentment builds and focuses its attention on my mother. Blame. Blame. Blame. It's all her fault I'm in my mid-thirties and have no children, no husband, no privacy. It's all her fault for being so selfish and not letting me leave her and start my own life. All her - not me...her.
I saw "the crush" on Friday. He looked right through me, of course. Who am I kidding? I'm not that attractive to men. Women will tell me I'm cute or pretty. Men don't. Accept it and move on. Stop allowing your heart to be wrung out like a dirty rag.
My weight is up four pounds and I want to die. I wish my period would just start already.
I have a project due at work tomorrow and I'm hoping to get an extention b/c it's not ready. I'm anxious about it and unable to sleep. Why do I do this? Normally, I would've worked late during the week to get it done, but I HAVE to workout. I was too lazy to work on it this weekend. I could half-@ss it, but I don't want to. I want to do it right. I can't even pray and ask God to work it out for me b/c I feel so distant from Him that any prayer asking for menial help seems trite.
My mind is racing...it's Sunday night...it always races on Sunday night. Tonight seems worse than usual.
I bought more Bronkaid yesterday. On Saturday, I took 13 laxatives (5 in am and 6 in pm). It made me feel "cleaned out" but it didn't make my weight go down...
I hate my life right now. I hate it.
Still PMS'ing. Anger and resentment builds and focuses its attention on my mother. Blame. Blame. Blame. It's all her fault I'm in my mid-thirties and have no children, no husband, no privacy. It's all her fault for being so selfish and not letting me leave her and start my own life. All her - not me...her.
I saw "the crush" on Friday. He looked right through me, of course. Who am I kidding? I'm not that attractive to men. Women will tell me I'm cute or pretty. Men don't. Accept it and move on. Stop allowing your heart to be wrung out like a dirty rag.
My weight is up four pounds and I want to die. I wish my period would just start already.
I have a project due at work tomorrow and I'm hoping to get an extention b/c it's not ready. I'm anxious about it and unable to sleep. Why do I do this? Normally, I would've worked late during the week to get it done, but I HAVE to workout. I was too lazy to work on it this weekend. I could half-@ss it, but I don't want to. I want to do it right. I can't even pray and ask God to work it out for me b/c I feel so distant from Him that any prayer asking for menial help seems trite.
My mind is racing...it's Sunday night...it always races on Sunday night. Tonight seems worse than usual.
I bought more Bronkaid yesterday. On Saturday, I took 13 laxatives (5 in am and 6 in pm). It made me feel "cleaned out" but it didn't make my weight go down...
I hate my life right now. I hate it.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
meltdown
I had one tonight - a meltdown, that is. I went away last weekend and blew my diet on Friday (at 1675 calories...the most ever). Saturday, I managed to stay under 1000 calories and I was back on track Sunday. I went 3 days without working out and with the increased calories, I managed to gain 3lbs (I was down to 159.8 on Thursday 10/21. The trip was terrible and the weather completely ruined my plans...typical.
I purged for the first time in a long time (probably 4 weeks or so) in the hotel room. My friend and I shared a room and I snuck the ice bucket into the bathroom and pretended to take a bath while I did it.
I'm starting to feel more and more overwhelmed at work. I need to stay late and get on top of things, but that would mean I miss my aerobics class, which would mean I would stop losing, which would mean I would stay fat, which would mean I might as well curl up and die.
Tonight, I really wanted to stay, but I also really needed the workout. The instructor didn't show last night and I only got in about 30 minutes of low impact cardio. Well, tonight, a different instructor didn't show and I felt sheer anger swell up inside my veins. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I wanted to go off on the manager. I wasn't kind - they knew I was pissed, but I held it in and left.
Great. Now I haven't had a serious workout in 5 days! So, I went shopping instead. I've spent money that I don't need to be spending on a new wardrobe. I've skimped on some things and splurged on others. Right now, 14's are a little big on me and 12's are a little snug. I have a lot of clothes that I can't wear and it's frustrating in my new work environment where I'm surrounded by thin, pretty, professional women who have husbands and fiance's to support them so they can spend til their hearts are content on pretty clothes.
I found several new pieces tonight, including a cowl-neck dress that I feel gorgeous in. However, at the same time, I'm having to remind myself that I'm still a fat@ss and the guy I can't stop thinking about & crushing over has no idea I exist. He doesn't even know my name. We've made eye contact. I've seen him look at me. He's said "hi" to me, but I also know that I cannot gauge the difference between regular attention men give to women and "I'm-attracted-to-you-attention". I have absolutely no idea how to tell the difference and I've read men wrong all my life, so why would I get it correct now?
God, this blog is so self-serving and whiny. I broke down in tears twice tonight. I think I'm about to start my period. I'm a mess and I f*cking hate hormones. I hope I am about to start my period - at least that would explain the 3lb gain and inability to lose it.
FML. Really.
I purged for the first time in a long time (probably 4 weeks or so) in the hotel room. My friend and I shared a room and I snuck the ice bucket into the bathroom and pretended to take a bath while I did it.
I'm starting to feel more and more overwhelmed at work. I need to stay late and get on top of things, but that would mean I miss my aerobics class, which would mean I would stop losing, which would mean I would stay fat, which would mean I might as well curl up and die.
Tonight, I really wanted to stay, but I also really needed the workout. The instructor didn't show last night and I only got in about 30 minutes of low impact cardio. Well, tonight, a different instructor didn't show and I felt sheer anger swell up inside my veins. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I wanted to go off on the manager. I wasn't kind - they knew I was pissed, but I held it in and left.
Great. Now I haven't had a serious workout in 5 days! So, I went shopping instead. I've spent money that I don't need to be spending on a new wardrobe. I've skimped on some things and splurged on others. Right now, 14's are a little big on me and 12's are a little snug. I have a lot of clothes that I can't wear and it's frustrating in my new work environment where I'm surrounded by thin, pretty, professional women who have husbands and fiance's to support them so they can spend til their hearts are content on pretty clothes.
I found several new pieces tonight, including a cowl-neck dress that I feel gorgeous in. However, at the same time, I'm having to remind myself that I'm still a fat@ss and the guy I can't stop thinking about & crushing over has no idea I exist. He doesn't even know my name. We've made eye contact. I've seen him look at me. He's said "hi" to me, but I also know that I cannot gauge the difference between regular attention men give to women and "I'm-attracted-to-you-attention". I have absolutely no idea how to tell the difference and I've read men wrong all my life, so why would I get it correct now?
God, this blog is so self-serving and whiny. I broke down in tears twice tonight. I think I'm about to start my period. I'm a mess and I f*cking hate hormones. I hope I am about to start my period - at least that would explain the 3lb gain and inability to lose it.
FML. Really.
Monday, October 18, 2010
On My Way
Today I weighed in at 162. I've officially lost 30lbs in 2 months. I can no longer wear my 18's - I can't even get by with them...they fall off. I'm pulling out old clothes left and right. I spent all day Saturday shopping.
I fully realize that I'm not even half way to my goal (125); however, I'm close to half way and I feel like a different person.
I even have a crush that I'm trying to keep under control - i.e. realistically tell myself that nothing will ever come of it so stop your pining and prevent your own future heartache.
I weighed in and measured at the gym on Saturday. Since May 2009, I've lost 43lbs and 51.25 inches. I had to add the numbers twice!
I'm keeping my calories under 500 as much as possible. I'm for sure not allowing myself to go over 800 on "eat out to fit in" days. I'm working out 4 times a week. I'm feeling great and starting to feel pretty. I find myself smiling and feeling more outgoing. The anger and bitterness is starting to go back into their hole.
I'm on my way to feeling like living again. It's about time.
I fully realize that I'm not even half way to my goal (125); however, I'm close to half way and I feel like a different person.
I even have a crush that I'm trying to keep under control - i.e. realistically tell myself that nothing will ever come of it so stop your pining and prevent your own future heartache.
I weighed in and measured at the gym on Saturday. Since May 2009, I've lost 43lbs and 51.25 inches. I had to add the numbers twice!
I'm keeping my calories under 500 as much as possible. I'm for sure not allowing myself to go over 800 on "eat out to fit in" days. I'm working out 4 times a week. I'm feeling great and starting to feel pretty. I find myself smiling and feeling more outgoing. The anger and bitterness is starting to go back into their hole.
I'm on my way to feeling like living again. It's about time.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Numbers Game
I weighed in this morning at 166.8! F*ck Yeah! I had my morning vegetarian saugage, then an apple and organic mozzarella cheese stick for lunch. Went to the gym after work and did step aerobics. I couldn't help but notice that my workout pants were loose. Once again I say, "F*ck Yeah!"
I got home and Mom had made me a vegetarian chick pattie and had broccoli, cauliflower and some carrots ready to stir fry. She also sliced an avocado. It irritated me b/c she nuked the pattie so it was tough and I had no desire to stir fry the veggies. I didn't ask her to cook for me, and while it's sweet of her, she's a terrible cook and her food shows her disdain for cooking.
Mom was in the shower when I got home so I took a bite of broccoli and poured the rest of the food (sans the expensive avocado) down the disposal. I put the avocado back in the fridge. It feels so good to eat less than 300 calories in a day and to know that I burned more than that working out. I love this sense of control. I love seeing results.
It's finally happening for me and it's about f*cking time.
I got home and Mom had made me a vegetarian chick pattie and had broccoli, cauliflower and some carrots ready to stir fry. She also sliced an avocado. It irritated me b/c she nuked the pattie so it was tough and I had no desire to stir fry the veggies. I didn't ask her to cook for me, and while it's sweet of her, she's a terrible cook and her food shows her disdain for cooking.
Mom was in the shower when I got home so I took a bite of broccoli and poured the rest of the food (sans the expensive avocado) down the disposal. I put the avocado back in the fridge. It feels so good to eat less than 300 calories in a day and to know that I burned more than that working out. I love this sense of control. I love seeing results.
It's finally happening for me and it's about f*cking time.
Monday, October 11, 2010
160's!!!!
I hit 169.4 today. When I saw one-SIX-nine on the scale this morning, I can't begin to describe the feeling of euphoria. At the same time, I reminded myself that I got down to 167ish three years ago and was feeling good about myself and then saw a picture of me in my new clothes and the "happy weight loss" high immediately ended and I packed on the pounds again.
I'm trying to stay grounded. My eating has been good with the exception of a 1200 calorie day on Friday. I let myself have 1/2 a quesadilla & a small ceasar salad and then Mom made dinner w/refried beans (she bought them and of course she didn't get the fat free brand)...so, I would've stayed under 1000 if I could had control over my dinner that night.
Speaking of control - I would've been able to completely fast today if Mom hadn't asked me about dinner. She was in a mood where she would've been uncomfortably pissed if I had told her no thank you...so my calories came in under 300 today. I've had several less than 500 calorie days. I love those days - especially when I workout as well.
I'm in 14's now, though they are snug. I'm starting to see my old body again...I'm starting to feel pretty again.
I like my new job and the people I work with. I want to write about my "elevator encounter" and the "mis-sent text" but I'm too tired. I cleaned out my garage and two closets today. It's almost 11:30 and I should have been in bed an hour ago.
I'm trying to stay grounded. My eating has been good with the exception of a 1200 calorie day on Friday. I let myself have 1/2 a quesadilla & a small ceasar salad and then Mom made dinner w/refried beans (she bought them and of course she didn't get the fat free brand)...so, I would've stayed under 1000 if I could had control over my dinner that night.
Speaking of control - I would've been able to completely fast today if Mom hadn't asked me about dinner. She was in a mood where she would've been uncomfortably pissed if I had told her no thank you...so my calories came in under 300 today. I've had several less than 500 calorie days. I love those days - especially when I workout as well.
I'm in 14's now, though they are snug. I'm starting to see my old body again...I'm starting to feel pretty again.
I like my new job and the people I work with. I want to write about my "elevator encounter" and the "mis-sent text" but I'm too tired. I cleaned out my garage and two closets today. It's almost 11:30 and I should have been in bed an hour ago.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
when did i become such a b*tch
Today was my last day at work. I have a love/hate relationship with leaving. I need it and I hate it. My defenses were up. My period had its fangs out. A co-worker decided that I would choose where to have lunch instead of an office luncheon. This hurt the secretaries feelings b/c they luvs them sum luncheons and they wouldn't be able to leave all at once to go.
A distribution email went out and I was asked to choose the restaurant. I did and said we'd need to get a headcount for reservations. Four mother f*ckers responded...one of whom said they weren't sure if they could make it. Feelings, meet dagger...Dagger, lacerate feelings.
This morning, the same person sent out an email to everyone asking if anyone made reservations. It PISSED ME OFF. Someone please explain why this is so difficult? Why am I so goddamn unimportant that they can't plan one f*cking reservation for lunch?
That's when my blood started boiling. I could feel my face getting hot. The filter section of my brain was temporarily suspended and the b*tch took over. I did what I almost always regret doing... I hit REPLY ALL and I said what I was thinking...
"Of course not (referring to whether reservations had been made) and only four people responded. I have a huge schedule this morning so let's not even worry about it."
Slightly passive, mostly aggressive much?
I ended up not getting done with my work until 12:30 and everyone took the hint and had been waiting on me for about an hour or so. I only spent about 20-25 minutes at my lunch (which I didn't want in the first place). One person bought my lunch. There was a card with nice things that were said (mostly about my sense of humor). I went back to the office and tied up loose ends. I packed up my sh*t and got the hell out of there.
I didn't even tell my boss goodbye. When I end things, I end things. I said I'd be back and wouldn't stay away, but that's a lie. I start over about every two to three years. New job. New friends. New body. New life.
I can't get to sleep tonight and have taken 45mg of melatonin and 1 sominex. I'm hoping it will knock me out. I'm very anxious about starting over. I don't know where to park. I don't know what time to leave. I need gas in my car. I'm still fat. I don't know what I'm doing.
I hate my personality. I hate being such a b*tch. I don't know when it started...I've been this way (at least partially) since I was a little girl.
Will I ever establish roots and stay in one place?
A distribution email went out and I was asked to choose the restaurant. I did and said we'd need to get a headcount for reservations. Four mother f*ckers responded...one of whom said they weren't sure if they could make it. Feelings, meet dagger...Dagger, lacerate feelings.
This morning, the same person sent out an email to everyone asking if anyone made reservations. It PISSED ME OFF. Someone please explain why this is so difficult? Why am I so goddamn unimportant that they can't plan one f*cking reservation for lunch?
That's when my blood started boiling. I could feel my face getting hot. The filter section of my brain was temporarily suspended and the b*tch took over. I did what I almost always regret doing... I hit REPLY ALL and I said what I was thinking...
"Of course not (referring to whether reservations had been made) and only four people responded. I have a huge schedule this morning so let's not even worry about it."
Slightly passive, mostly aggressive much?
I ended up not getting done with my work until 12:30 and everyone took the hint and had been waiting on me for about an hour or so. I only spent about 20-25 minutes at my lunch (which I didn't want in the first place). One person bought my lunch. There was a card with nice things that were said (mostly about my sense of humor). I went back to the office and tied up loose ends. I packed up my sh*t and got the hell out of there.
I didn't even tell my boss goodbye. When I end things, I end things. I said I'd be back and wouldn't stay away, but that's a lie. I start over about every two to three years. New job. New friends. New body. New life.
I can't get to sleep tonight and have taken 45mg of melatonin and 1 sominex. I'm hoping it will knock me out. I'm very anxious about starting over. I don't know where to park. I don't know what time to leave. I need gas in my car. I'm still fat. I don't know what I'm doing.
I hate my personality. I hate being such a b*tch. I don't know when it started...I've been this way (at least partially) since I was a little girl.
Will I ever establish roots and stay in one place?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
out of the 180's
I hit 179 on Thursday 9/16/10. On Monday 9/20/10, I hit my lowest # in over three years...174! I've been stuck on 174 ever since and it's driving me crazy. I'm PMS'ing though and my face is broken out like I was 14 again. Not sure why...you would think cutting out all refined sugar would help...I'm also not eating that much dairy. Maybe it's purely hormonal, but I was hoping my diet would affect the acne. Either way, I'm truly proud of myself for getting out of the 180's.
I need to update more, but have to jump in the shower and start my Saturday. Time to by new clothes in a size 14-16. Down from a tight 18.
People are now commenting on my weight loss and it feels great.
Here's to the coming 160's!
I need to update more, but have to jump in the shower and start my Saturday. Time to by new clothes in a size 14-16. Down from a tight 18.
People are now commenting on my weight loss and it feels great.
Here's to the coming 160's!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
can't touch this
Resisted another office luncheon today. Yes, we just had one LAST F*CKING WEEK, but apparently I'm the only person in my office who doesn't enjoy taking time after work to purchase unhealthy food that will feed an army to watch 12-15 glutenous, mannerless people gorge themselves.
I did say I would bring guacamole, but had a killer workout last night and didn't feel like going to the store...nor did I feel like waking up early to do it.
On my lunch hour, I bought ME (how selfish is that) 1 large avocado and a quart of strawberries to serve with the cake. I ate the avocado (should've only had 1/2 but ate the whole thing) with a tomato...I didn't even eat a strawberry.
My calories came in at 601 (1 lb over) and I went to the gym and did 1hr cardio even though I'd been on my feet ALL DAY LONG and got gym-ditched by my workout buddy.
My boss approached me today and told me I could move downtown now if I wanted too. Panic struck in. I had planned on losing 20lbs before I did that. Not that 172lbs is going to be that different than 192lbs, BUT it does make a difference clothing-wise. I was going to buy some new clothes in a size 14 before I moved. I think I will ask to stay through the end of the month. I'm not sure I'll be in 14's then, but a girl can dream.
I need to write about the table manners exibited by my co-workers one day. I've never been around a large group of people who collectively eat LITERALLY like pigs. I can't wait to get away from that.
Oh - and I weighed in at 180.8 this morning! Pah-leeze God let me hit 179 tomorrow!!!! Oh, to be out of the 180's.
I did say I would bring guacamole, but had a killer workout last night and didn't feel like going to the store...nor did I feel like waking up early to do it.
On my lunch hour, I bought ME (how selfish is that) 1 large avocado and a quart of strawberries to serve with the cake. I ate the avocado (should've only had 1/2 but ate the whole thing) with a tomato...I didn't even eat a strawberry.
My calories came in at 601 (1 lb over) and I went to the gym and did 1hr cardio even though I'd been on my feet ALL DAY LONG and got gym-ditched by my workout buddy.
My boss approached me today and told me I could move downtown now if I wanted too. Panic struck in. I had planned on losing 20lbs before I did that. Not that 172lbs is going to be that different than 192lbs, BUT it does make a difference clothing-wise. I was going to buy some new clothes in a size 14 before I moved. I think I will ask to stay through the end of the month. I'm not sure I'll be in 14's then, but a girl can dream.
I need to write about the table manners exibited by my co-workers one day. I've never been around a large group of people who collectively eat LITERALLY like pigs. I can't wait to get away from that.
Oh - and I weighed in at 180.8 this morning! Pah-leeze God let me hit 179 tomorrow!!!! Oh, to be out of the 180's.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
hunger schmunger
Last week's goals:
I completed four 1hr workouts (Tue, Wed, Fri, Sat)
I didn't make 180 by Monday...came in at 181.2 so I lost 4.6lbs instead of 5.0
I also didn't come in under 600 calories everyday last week:
Mon 9/6: 234
Tue 9/7: 359
Wed 9/8: 536
Thu 9/9: 648 *FAIL*
Fri 9/10: 787 *FAIL*
Sat 9/11: 559
I would give myself a B- for overall performance last week. Not too bad...worked out, restricted. You'd think I would've lost more than 4.6lbs??? I was hoping to lose 20lbs my first month. I'm still shooting for that and I think it's doable if my metabolism will cooperate. I need to remember to take the chromium picolinate in the afternoons with my 2nd dose of phentermine. If I don't make 20, I MUST lose at LEAST 15. That's absolutely doable.
I love the feeling of my stomach shrinking. I love putting on my "almost too tight fat pants" and feeling them being almost too loose to wear. That happened this morning. That feeling is addicting.
I saw a girl that works for a different agency yesterday who was morbidly obese (she was probably 250lbs+). She had lap-band surgery not too long ago and SHE LOOKS FREAKIN' AMAZING. Like a younger sister version of herself. That was really, really motivating. I'd love to run into people I went to school with who could barely recognize me. I want to make people's jaws drop. I want to turn heads. I use to do that. I miss that attention.
Next Week's Goals:
Calories under 600 (I've already gone over that Sunday & Monday, but made up for it today). Need to weigh in at 176 (that would be a 5lb loss this week). I just realized that to make 20lbs in 30 days, I would have to lose 11 lbs by 9/23/10. That's 10lbs in 11 days. At the rate I've been going, I'm not sure that's realistic, but maybe if I kick up the workouts. Workout 6 days.
I completed four 1hr workouts (Tue, Wed, Fri, Sat)
I didn't make 180 by Monday...came in at 181.2 so I lost 4.6lbs instead of 5.0
I also didn't come in under 600 calories everyday last week:
Mon 9/6: 234
Tue 9/7: 359
Wed 9/8: 536
Thu 9/9: 648 *FAIL*
Fri 9/10: 787 *FAIL*
Sat 9/11: 559
I would give myself a B- for overall performance last week. Not too bad...worked out, restricted. You'd think I would've lost more than 4.6lbs??? I was hoping to lose 20lbs my first month. I'm still shooting for that and I think it's doable if my metabolism will cooperate. I need to remember to take the chromium picolinate in the afternoons with my 2nd dose of phentermine. If I don't make 20, I MUST lose at LEAST 15. That's absolutely doable.
I love the feeling of my stomach shrinking. I love putting on my "almost too tight fat pants" and feeling them being almost too loose to wear. That happened this morning. That feeling is addicting.
I saw a girl that works for a different agency yesterday who was morbidly obese (she was probably 250lbs+). She had lap-band surgery not too long ago and SHE LOOKS FREAKIN' AMAZING. Like a younger sister version of herself. That was really, really motivating. I'd love to run into people I went to school with who could barely recognize me. I want to make people's jaws drop. I want to turn heads. I use to do that. I miss that attention.
Next Week's Goals:
Calories under 600 (I've already gone over that Sunday & Monday, but made up for it today). Need to weigh in at 176 (that would be a 5lb loss this week). I just realized that to make 20lbs in 30 days, I would have to lose 11 lbs by 9/23/10. That's 10lbs in 11 days. At the rate I've been going, I'm not sure that's realistic, but maybe if I kick up the workouts. Workout 6 days.
Friday, September 10, 2010
holy mother of hunger
The hunger has been really bad over the past two days. I don't know if the phentermine isn't working anymore, or if I'm just restricting so much when I'm use to eating 2000+ calories a day that it's starting to takes its toll.
Despite the hunger, I've stayed under 1000 calories. Yesterday I came in at 648 calories, but didn't work out. Fatigue has become a significant problem too. I feel like at any time during the day, I could lay down and fall fast asleep.
I'm proud of myself for fighting the fatigue and going to the gym after work tonight. I almost kept driving. I felt great on the elliptical and did 30 minutes. I use to be able to do 1hr. I did a little lower body circuit training too. I started to feel very lonely while I was at the gym. I thought how sad it was that here I am in my mid-thirties, alone on a Friday night at the gym. I tried to change my train of thought, but couldn't. I don't understand why I'm alone. I get that I'm fat, but there are a lot of fat girls who are in relationships...just not me.
My calories came in at 787 tonight. I'm too tired to keep writing.
Despite the hunger, I've stayed under 1000 calories. Yesterday I came in at 648 calories, but didn't work out. Fatigue has become a significant problem too. I feel like at any time during the day, I could lay down and fall fast asleep.
I'm proud of myself for fighting the fatigue and going to the gym after work tonight. I almost kept driving. I felt great on the elliptical and did 30 minutes. I use to be able to do 1hr. I did a little lower body circuit training too. I started to feel very lonely while I was at the gym. I thought how sad it was that here I am in my mid-thirties, alone on a Friday night at the gym. I tried to change my train of thought, but couldn't. I don't understand why I'm alone. I get that I'm fat, but there are a lot of fat girls who are in relationships...just not me.
My calories came in at 787 tonight. I'm too tired to keep writing.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
office luncheon spanked
The office luncheon came and went and never even tempted me. I allowed myself 5 almonds and passed up everything else, including the pasta salad that would be easy to "write off" as healthy even though I know I'm cutting out white flour right now.
There was some sort of cheese dish - never made me flinch. I had 1/2 of a grapefruit, 1/2 cucumber, 1 Roma tomato & 1/2 tbsp balsamic vinegar with water. Boom! Dear Office Luncheon...Suck it! Love, Maggie!
Now, tomorrow, meeting A & C at a salad/wrap restaurant. Not sure how I'll handle that. I'm thinking about making my own salad and asking for balsamic vinegar as dressing only...or maybe a fruit plate? Not sure.
The sky was gray and it rained all day. My energy was zapped, particularly when my dog woke me up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I pushed through the fatigue and worked out at the gym tonight.
I also saw 183 on the scale this morning AND tonight. 182...I need 182 to show up tomorrow! If I could be at 180 by Monday, I'd be THRILLED. I'm really hungry right now, but I don't care. I love seeing the pounds drop like they did when I was in my early 20's.
There was some sort of cheese dish - never made me flinch. I had 1/2 of a grapefruit, 1/2 cucumber, 1 Roma tomato & 1/2 tbsp balsamic vinegar with water. Boom! Dear Office Luncheon...Suck it! Love, Maggie!
Now, tomorrow, meeting A & C at a salad/wrap restaurant. Not sure how I'll handle that. I'm thinking about making my own salad and asking for balsamic vinegar as dressing only...or maybe a fruit plate? Not sure.
The sky was gray and it rained all day. My energy was zapped, particularly when my dog woke me up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I pushed through the fatigue and worked out at the gym tonight.
I also saw 183 on the scale this morning AND tonight. 182...I need 182 to show up tomorrow! If I could be at 180 by Monday, I'd be THRILLED. I'm really hungry right now, but I don't care. I love seeing the pounds drop like they did when I was in my early 20's.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
score today!!!
Restriction is in overdrive (for me at least) right now. Today's Kcals: 359. Kcals burned with step aerobics, upper body circuit and walking at the gym: 740. It feels so good to know I'm in control again. My Capri pants were loose when I put them on this morning - the only better feeling is getting into a smaller size.
I will be tested tomorrow b/c we're having an "office lunch". I hate these f*ckers with a passion. I work in an office of about 15 people. Each person brings enough crappy, fattening, starchy food to feed 10 people, which means theoretically 150 people could eat off of our 1 lunch.
Then, the secretaries will scrape every last sh*tty piece of food into a plastic container and jam up the refrigerator. Over the next 2-3 days, 5-8 different people will be sticking their unwashed hands in those containers to attempt to finish off the glutenous remains. When there's not enough left for 1 person to stuff their face, 1-2 tablespoons worth of food will sit in the containers rotting and waiting for ME to clean it out.
In the meantime, air doesn't circulate properly b/c there's too much food in the fridge, which means, those of us (ME) who bring fresh fruits & veggies will have frost bitten or unevenly refrigerated food.
It's so disgusting and wasteful that I refuse to participate in them any longer.
I think I'll take my car to be washed over lunch. That also serves as a middle finger to everyone for celebrating EVERY ONE'S birthday but mine. Ugh, I can't wait to start my new job next month.
And if I don't see 183 on the scales in the morning...I might become a danger to myself and/or others.
I will be tested tomorrow b/c we're having an "office lunch". I hate these f*ckers with a passion. I work in an office of about 15 people. Each person brings enough crappy, fattening, starchy food to feed 10 people, which means theoretically 150 people could eat off of our 1 lunch.
Then, the secretaries will scrape every last sh*tty piece of food into a plastic container and jam up the refrigerator. Over the next 2-3 days, 5-8 different people will be sticking their unwashed hands in those containers to attempt to finish off the glutenous remains. When there's not enough left for 1 person to stuff their face, 1-2 tablespoons worth of food will sit in the containers rotting and waiting for ME to clean it out.
In the meantime, air doesn't circulate properly b/c there's too much food in the fridge, which means, those of us (ME) who bring fresh fruits & veggies will have frost bitten or unevenly refrigerated food.
It's so disgusting and wasteful that I refuse to participate in them any longer.
I think I'll take my car to be washed over lunch. That also serves as a middle finger to everyone for celebrating EVERY ONE'S birthday but mine. Ugh, I can't wait to start my new job next month.
And if I don't see 183 on the scales in the morning...I might become a danger to myself and/or others.
Monday, September 6, 2010
labor day
Good day. Went shopping with Mom for the first time in a year. Felt judged at times - I feel a heaviness weigh down on my chest when this happens. We put together a Christmas wreath at Hobby Lobby toward the end of the day and it felt nice...very motherly-daughterly. Wish it could feel that way all of the time.
My denim carpi's were loose and I had to keep pulling them up - AWESOMENESS! For breakfast I had a Veggie Sausage Pattie and some watermelon. While we were out shopping, we stopped at Sonic. Mom got a large order of fries. I got a diet limeade and that was it for the day! (didn't drink enough water though). Total calories for today: 234. My stomach feels so amazing empty - it feels flat. I love that feeling. I can get addicted to that feeling.
Tomorrow it's back to the gym.
My denim carpi's were loose and I had to keep pulling them up - AWESOMENESS! For breakfast I had a Veggie Sausage Pattie and some watermelon. While we were out shopping, we stopped at Sonic. Mom got a large order of fries. I got a diet limeade and that was it for the day! (didn't drink enough water though). Total calories for today: 234. My stomach feels so amazing empty - it feels flat. I love that feeling. I can get addicted to that feeling.
Tomorrow it's back to the gym.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
not too bad
Last Monday was the day before my period. Normally, I cry and feel suicidal. That didn't happen at all...phentermine effect? Because I didn't get ready for a huge work project, I ended up cramming on Monday night and being ready to go on Tuesday. By Tuesday, I started my period, but was too busy at work to notice. I barely ate at all and wasn't hungry either. I didn't lose, however, which is a complete let down, but at least I didn't gain on account of my period. By Friday, my project was complete and I wanted to eat out so badly...I was craving chips and salsa and cheese dip. A co-worker went with me...I had chips, cheese sauce, salsa, & borato (avocado, fried onions, fried jalapenos and fresh tomatoes). We got back to the office and my boss slices a gorgeous bakery-made double layer strawberry cake with cream cheese icing. I had a small slice and immediately felt regret.
Panic started to set in. I had done so well and then went and blew it. I got a plastic food container out of the kitchen and took it back to my office. I locked my door and filled it completely up. I got interrupted and had to stop and take care of an on-call matter. Once it was finished, I went back in my office, locked the door again and threw up until I couldn't anymore. It was so relieving. I've never purged at the office before (that I can remember). I took my trash can liner, wrapped it up and threw it away in the large trash can in the kitchen. I made sure there was enough trash on top that no one would notice.
My friend C. asked me to go to a wine tour on Saturday. I hesitantly agreed...I knew I needed to get out, but I really would've preferred to stay in bed all day (pretty much what I've done today). I mustered up the strength to go and enjoyed myself. I took small sips of wine...in total, I probably had 3/4th of a normal glass of wine. I ordered a salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing and restrained from eating the candied pecans on it. I've allowed myself to eat cheese, but had a hard time resisting the delicious buttered, flavored crackers...I think I had 3.
All in all...I did extremely well for a road trip - never ate any fast food and kept my calories under 900. I took 4 laxatives before going to bed and woke up this morning getting rid of a lot of "junk" that has kept me constipated for the past week.
While we were on our road trip, I struggled over not being the driver and having control. There were so many times I wanted to stop and shoot and C. never said a word. I saw some beautiful tree covered hills...I'd forgot what it was like to take a road trip and be surrounded by beautiful scenery. It's funny how you're able to forget what life feels like when it hurts so badly to live it. I can't say that I truly had fun and appreciated what I saw. I didn't have an epiphany, like, "This is what I've been missing out on...how could I have wasted so much of my life?" I think I'm over that stage. I've wasted most of my life. Now, I'm just trying to figure out how to get by without wishing it would hurry up and be over... And the only way I want to do it, is with a thin body... So I guess before I can let myself get on with living, I'm going to have to starve my ass off literally.
Things with Mom are getting better, but there's still a lot of anger hidden under the softening exterior of our relationship. A lot of what I'm doing is faking being interested in what she has to say. I texted her every time we were headed to another town and felt fucking ridiculous doing it. I'm 3& g-damn years old. The entire drive home I worried that she would act like a hateful bitch because I'd been gone all day and left her with the animals. She was fine when I got home. She's unpredictable. It's hard. I have so much pent up resentment. I really do think the phentermine is helping though - more so with my depression than my weight loss. Am I someone who's missing neurotransmitters and needs a stimulant to feel normal?
I did terribly today and it was partly b/c I didn't keep myself busy. When all I do is sit in bed, watch TV and fool around on the Internet, all I can think of is food. I had photos to edit, but I haven't been able to even upload them to my laptop. I just don't have the drive and interest in photography that I use to have. That makes me sad, because it use to be so challenging and fulfilling.
I'm still at 185. I really, really, really want to lose another 5lbs this coming week. That's going to be my goal. I've got to stay under 600 calories this week and workout at least 4 times.
Panic started to set in. I had done so well and then went and blew it. I got a plastic food container out of the kitchen and took it back to my office. I locked my door and filled it completely up. I got interrupted and had to stop and take care of an on-call matter. Once it was finished, I went back in my office, locked the door again and threw up until I couldn't anymore. It was so relieving. I've never purged at the office before (that I can remember). I took my trash can liner, wrapped it up and threw it away in the large trash can in the kitchen. I made sure there was enough trash on top that no one would notice.
My friend C. asked me to go to a wine tour on Saturday. I hesitantly agreed...I knew I needed to get out, but I really would've preferred to stay in bed all day (pretty much what I've done today). I mustered up the strength to go and enjoyed myself. I took small sips of wine...in total, I probably had 3/4th of a normal glass of wine. I ordered a salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing and restrained from eating the candied pecans on it. I've allowed myself to eat cheese, but had a hard time resisting the delicious buttered, flavored crackers...I think I had 3.
All in all...I did extremely well for a road trip - never ate any fast food and kept my calories under 900. I took 4 laxatives before going to bed and woke up this morning getting rid of a lot of "junk" that has kept me constipated for the past week.
While we were on our road trip, I struggled over not being the driver and having control. There were so many times I wanted to stop and shoot and C. never said a word. I saw some beautiful tree covered hills...I'd forgot what it was like to take a road trip and be surrounded by beautiful scenery. It's funny how you're able to forget what life feels like when it hurts so badly to live it. I can't say that I truly had fun and appreciated what I saw. I didn't have an epiphany, like, "This is what I've been missing out on...how could I have wasted so much of my life?" I think I'm over that stage. I've wasted most of my life. Now, I'm just trying to figure out how to get by without wishing it would hurry up and be over... And the only way I want to do it, is with a thin body... So I guess before I can let myself get on with living, I'm going to have to starve my ass off literally.
Things with Mom are getting better, but there's still a lot of anger hidden under the softening exterior of our relationship. A lot of what I'm doing is faking being interested in what she has to say. I texted her every time we were headed to another town and felt fucking ridiculous doing it. I'm 3& g-damn years old. The entire drive home I worried that she would act like a hateful bitch because I'd been gone all day and left her with the animals. She was fine when I got home. She's unpredictable. It's hard. I have so much pent up resentment. I really do think the phentermine is helping though - more so with my depression than my weight loss. Am I someone who's missing neurotransmitters and needs a stimulant to feel normal?
I did terribly today and it was partly b/c I didn't keep myself busy. When all I do is sit in bed, watch TV and fool around on the Internet, all I can think of is food. I had photos to edit, but I haven't been able to even upload them to my laptop. I just don't have the drive and interest in photography that I use to have. That makes me sad, because it use to be so challenging and fulfilling.
I'm still at 185. I really, really, really want to lose another 5lbs this coming week. That's going to be my goal. I've got to stay under 600 calories this week and workout at least 4 times.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
saturday night success
I did it! I passed up two of my favorite comforts in the whole world - chips & dip and red wine (technically three comforts, but the chips & dip are kind of a paired match). I went to a game night at a friend of a friend's house around 8. I ate before hand at 5 (veggie "chik" pattie, 1/2 avocado & 1C green beans). The chips and dip were out on the table when I got there, along with some Cheez-Its (another favorite). Then two more people arrived with red wine and two party trays with cheese (my staple), veggies and ranch dip. Finally, the last person arrived with Chik-Fil-A (I don't eat meat, but the smell of Chik-Fil-A makes me salivate).
We were there playing games until 12:05am and all I had was water! That's right! Water!!!! H2O!!! Who am I? I even stopped at Taco Bell and ordered my Mom a crispy taco/sub beans for meat and didn't order anything for me.
Phentermine is my new hero (today I took 1/2 around 11am and another 1/2 around 3pm). It's 1:14 in the morning, however, and I'm not the least bit sleepy. I'm hoping journaling my success and then logging in the last of my calories on SparkPeople will calm me down.
Dear God, I love this stuff!!!!
We were there playing games until 12:05am and all I had was water! That's right! Water!!!! H2O!!! Who am I? I even stopped at Taco Bell and ordered my Mom a crispy taco/sub beans for meat and didn't order anything for me.
Phentermine is my new hero (today I took 1/2 around 11am and another 1/2 around 3pm). It's 1:14 in the morning, however, and I'm not the least bit sleepy. I'm hoping journaling my success and then logging in the last of my calories on SparkPeople will calm me down.
Dear God, I love this stuff!!!!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
i need possibilities
I've been trying to figure out how I can go from wishing for death to beginning to look for a future in just a matter of days. I think the secret lies within the possibility of weight loss and hope in a pill...a pill that has be up at 3:34am.
I lost hope. All I could and to a certain extent, can see, is a lonely life with only my mother and no one to love me other than food. I would exist in my bed and get up only to get something to eat or use the bathroom. I would live through movies and sitcoms and documentaries that allowed me to escape and forget my loneliness.
Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm suffering from loneliness rather than depression?
I saw myself in the mirror at work for the first time in a long time. I have stopped wearing a lot of makeup - partly because I don't have the energy or desire to put forth the effort and partly because I feel like I don't deserve to wear makeup when I'm so fat.
I understood what Mom meant when she said she doesn't recognize me anymore and that I look like I'm thirteen. I saw sadness manifest in my skin. My face sags and my eyes are shallow. I hated myself at thirteen and thought I would never be loved. Here I am at thirty-five with the exact same feelings...wtf?
I keep feeling like a little girl trapped in her thoughts. I keep thinking about my father and how he would have lived his life if he knew he would die at fifty-eight. He knew he was dying at fifty-seven. Why didn't he tell me he was sorry for the divorce? I don't think he realized that he chose other women over me. It's hard to see our faults.
What are my faults? I'm self centered. I'm overly judgmental of other people. I'm moody. I'm greedy. I can be mean and rude. I live inside my head rather than in my life. I am jealous of other people and what they have. I am reckless with money and eating. I am overly sensitive and cannot handle the same criticism that I dole out to others - especially those close to me. I never show anyone the 'real' me in my 'real' life...never. I regret whenever I open up and give someone a glimpse of who I am. I am dependent on stimulants (ephedra & caffeine). I worry for no reason. I am hipocritical about my faith. I wallow in self pity. I hurt others feelings so they will feel just as badly inside as I do.
Can I change these? How can I change them? Am I willing to change? I am motivated now to change my physical appearance - I've started restricting, exercising and taking phentermine. I've started using a firming/antiwrinkle cream at night. What have I done to change who I am inside? It's no wonder I don't attract men. Who would want to be with someone as negative and fat as I am? Can I change without going to therapy? And why can't I pray anymore? I feel either abandoned by or duped by the idea of a personal God, while at the same time, knowing in my heart He exists.
All these thoughts fly around my head all day and all night. I can think about all of these things and yet I can't make myself face paying bills that I have the money to pay - I'm afraid of it...I hate letting go to the money and yet, in the end, I end up paying more in late fees.
If I can just focus on the possibility of weight loss right now and start seeing results, maybe the rest will fall into place.
I lost hope. All I could and to a certain extent, can see, is a lonely life with only my mother and no one to love me other than food. I would exist in my bed and get up only to get something to eat or use the bathroom. I would live through movies and sitcoms and documentaries that allowed me to escape and forget my loneliness.
Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm suffering from loneliness rather than depression?
I saw myself in the mirror at work for the first time in a long time. I have stopped wearing a lot of makeup - partly because I don't have the energy or desire to put forth the effort and partly because I feel like I don't deserve to wear makeup when I'm so fat.
I understood what Mom meant when she said she doesn't recognize me anymore and that I look like I'm thirteen. I saw sadness manifest in my skin. My face sags and my eyes are shallow. I hated myself at thirteen and thought I would never be loved. Here I am at thirty-five with the exact same feelings...wtf?
I keep feeling like a little girl trapped in her thoughts. I keep thinking about my father and how he would have lived his life if he knew he would die at fifty-eight. He knew he was dying at fifty-seven. Why didn't he tell me he was sorry for the divorce? I don't think he realized that he chose other women over me. It's hard to see our faults.
What are my faults? I'm self centered. I'm overly judgmental of other people. I'm moody. I'm greedy. I can be mean and rude. I live inside my head rather than in my life. I am jealous of other people and what they have. I am reckless with money and eating. I am overly sensitive and cannot handle the same criticism that I dole out to others - especially those close to me. I never show anyone the 'real' me in my 'real' life...never. I regret whenever I open up and give someone a glimpse of who I am. I am dependent on stimulants (ephedra & caffeine). I worry for no reason. I am hipocritical about my faith. I wallow in self pity. I hurt others feelings so they will feel just as badly inside as I do.
Can I change these? How can I change them? Am I willing to change? I am motivated now to change my physical appearance - I've started restricting, exercising and taking phentermine. I've started using a firming/antiwrinkle cream at night. What have I done to change who I am inside? It's no wonder I don't attract men. Who would want to be with someone as negative and fat as I am? Can I change without going to therapy? And why can't I pray anymore? I feel either abandoned by or duped by the idea of a personal God, while at the same time, knowing in my heart He exists.
All these thoughts fly around my head all day and all night. I can think about all of these things and yet I can't make myself face paying bills that I have the money to pay - I'm afraid of it...I hate letting go to the money and yet, in the end, I end up paying more in late fees.
If I can just focus on the possibility of weight loss right now and start seeing results, maybe the rest will fall into place.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
starting point
Things are starting to get better. The depression started lifting on its own last week. I went to the gym three times last week and did step aerobics/walking for an hour each time. It had a significant effect on my mood, but not my energy level.
I spent the weekend in bed again, but was miserable doing it. I wanted out so badly. I think I had the energy to get out, and I knew I needed to run some errands and clean house and pay bills, but there was something stopping me. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like part of my brain(slash-)soul has been paralyzed from a pseudo stroke. There's always the possibility of getting better, but I need the right treatment in order to exercise my way there slowly. I don't know what all those steps entail and I don't know where to look. All I know is that more than any of the other bullship in my life - my weight depresses me the most.
Yesterday I went to a medical weight loss clinic. I spent $105.00 dollars (only paid my co-pay) and walked out with Phentermine, Chromium Picolinate, Fish Oil tabs and a multi-vitamin. I had the option of paying an even more ridiculous amount for HCG, but after doing some research online, I have concluded it's nothing more than a low calorie diet with psychosomatic results.
I was prescribed 37.5mg of Phentermine and told to take 1/2 at 10am and 1/2 at 2pm. I took one that morning and to tell you the truth, the only thing I really felt was happy. I felt a sense of "happiness" within 10 minutes. I didn't feel jittery or like I had a rush of energy...just "happy".
I took it again today - same effect. I struggled with hunger though, but came out at 830 calories and burned 536 at the gym. I went to Cato's after the gym for a return and then to the grocery store. I didn't overdo it at the grocery store and came home and ate some broccoli/carrot coleslaw. I had to fight off hunger pangs, but used them as motivation (when I get into restrict mode, I get addicted to that feeling).
I took my melatonin at 10:45 and haven't been able to shut my mind off. Insomnia is a side effect.
I thought I'd post an entry to try and shut my mind off.
I found out today that I won't start my new position until the end of Sept. or beginning of Oct. I'm tired of where I am currently, but this gives me six weeks to lose weight! I can take back some of the expensive fat clothes I bought a couple of weeks ago!!!!
I'm setting a goal of losing 25lbs in six weeks. That's a little more than 4lbs per week. I think if I can stick to restricting and working out, it can be done. I'm only going to do cardio and no weights. I want to be in a size 14 when I start my new position.
I spent the weekend in bed again, but was miserable doing it. I wanted out so badly. I think I had the energy to get out, and I knew I needed to run some errands and clean house and pay bills, but there was something stopping me. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like part of my brain(slash-)soul has been paralyzed from a pseudo stroke. There's always the possibility of getting better, but I need the right treatment in order to exercise my way there slowly. I don't know what all those steps entail and I don't know where to look. All I know is that more than any of the other bullship in my life - my weight depresses me the most.
Yesterday I went to a medical weight loss clinic. I spent $105.00 dollars (only paid my co-pay) and walked out with Phentermine, Chromium Picolinate, Fish Oil tabs and a multi-vitamin. I had the option of paying an even more ridiculous amount for HCG, but after doing some research online, I have concluded it's nothing more than a low calorie diet with psychosomatic results.
I was prescribed 37.5mg of Phentermine and told to take 1/2 at 10am and 1/2 at 2pm. I took one that morning and to tell you the truth, the only thing I really felt was happy. I felt a sense of "happiness" within 10 minutes. I didn't feel jittery or like I had a rush of energy...just "happy".
I took it again today - same effect. I struggled with hunger though, but came out at 830 calories and burned 536 at the gym. I went to Cato's after the gym for a return and then to the grocery store. I didn't overdo it at the grocery store and came home and ate some broccoli/carrot coleslaw. I had to fight off hunger pangs, but used them as motivation (when I get into restrict mode, I get addicted to that feeling).
I took my melatonin at 10:45 and haven't been able to shut my mind off. Insomnia is a side effect.
I thought I'd post an entry to try and shut my mind off.
I found out today that I won't start my new position until the end of Sept. or beginning of Oct. I'm tired of where I am currently, but this gives me six weeks to lose weight! I can take back some of the expensive fat clothes I bought a couple of weeks ago!!!!
I'm setting a goal of losing 25lbs in six weeks. That's a little more than 4lbs per week. I think if I can stick to restricting and working out, it can be done. I'm only going to do cardio and no weights. I want to be in a size 14 when I start my new position.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
the summer of my discontent
Tomorrow is the last day of my summer vacation. It was spent mostly in bed. I slept and slept. I escaped in movies and online games. I went to the grocery store once. I slammed my door and when Mother confronted me and made accusations that made me want to beat the living shit out of her, I stared at my computer and ignored her. She told me my countenance had changed and if she saw me on the street, she wouldn't recognize me. No shit. She begged me to get help. I continued to ignore her. To her, help would be sitting in a room surrounded by people praying in tongues and casting demons out of me. She's done it dozens of times and is still a fucking mess, but she'd never admit that. I tried to get help in my 20's. When she found out I was seeing a psychologist, she belittled me. More and more of me hates her every day. The part of me that loves her and wants a relationship with her gets smaller and smaller every day.
That night, I drank a bottle of Vodka, took a phenergan and the last bit of cough syrup with Loratab in it, as well as a little wine. I woke up around 3:30am and my bed was full of vomit - black, thick vomit. It was everywhere....everywhere. I all over my floor and my hair was soaked. I didn't remember throwing up. I didn't remember getting out of bed. I had a blackout. I found an empty bottle of benadryl that I don't remember or know how it ended up on my counter. I showered and cleaned as much up as possible while I was still drunk. It scared me. At one point, I wondered if I were dead and was having a surreal experience. At another point, I was afraid I had killed Mother and would find her dead. I think I tried to kill myself that night. I think I came close.
I had to sleep until 10:30 to feel semi-okay again. I didn't want to keep my plans with C to have lunch and then a massage and facial. I followed through. I struggled to think of things to say. I struggled more than ever to appear normal, witty and fun. While I was being massaged, it dawned on me that it was the most I had been touched in years. While I received my facial, I thought I should be enjoying this more than I was... it's like my senses are so dulled that pleasure barely reaches my soul.
I am thirtyfive years old. I am alone and in debt. I have become the doctor I dreamt of being but haven't felt the fulfillment that I thought it would bring. I don't know how to stop focusing on what I don't have. I am severely obese and have an addiction to food that seems unstoppable.
I know I need help. I just don't know where to start. I feel like if I opened up my soul, it would look like a hoarder's home. I feel like a hoarder who has so much built up that I don't know where to start.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
results
I took several Happiness inventory tests. They mostly told me that I am profoundly depressed and need to seek professional help. The heart-stabbing pain left for a while. It came back this weekend. It was nice while it was gone.
My thoughts are all disjointed.
I start a new job in a couple of weeks. I didn't get the one I wanted...I suppose I haven't proven myself yet. I don't know if I ever will.
Had a migraine today.
Was suppose to shoot a birthday party on Saturday. I lied via text and made up a fender bender and then turned my phone off so I wouldn't have to deal with it.
I am not reliable.
Tonight, my Mom said she wished she'd just die. She's been saying that for exactly thirty years - to me at least... she's wanted to die a lot longer than that. I do too.
My thoughts are all disjointed.
I start a new job in a couple of weeks. I didn't get the one I wanted...I suppose I haven't proven myself yet. I don't know if I ever will.
Had a migraine today.
Was suppose to shoot a birthday party on Saturday. I lied via text and made up a fender bender and then turned my phone off so I wouldn't have to deal with it.
I am not reliable.
Tonight, my Mom said she wished she'd just die. She's been saying that for exactly thirty years - to me at least... she's wanted to die a lot longer than that. I do too.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
this emotional life
I watched the PBS Series, "This Emotional Life" today... almost six hours of it. Here are my notes:
Go toward the conflict
Need to be validated and understood
14 years since I was abandoned
Stuck in 1996
Reliance isn't rare
Adaptation is something the mind does when it knows there is nothing else it can
do. We adapt to misfortunes when we know we can't change them. But when we stand a fighting chance, we fight and that is why we struggle so much with temporary misfortune.
One way to change your life is to identify your weaknesses and fix them
Capitalize on your strengths
Identify your strengths and use them over and over again
You are what you do (how often are you kind; are you a leader). Track this. This is
Positive Psychology
At the end of each day write down what happened (good/bad) and 3 reasons why that happened
VIA Survey - Strengths…VIA Signature Strengths Survey
Go toward the conflict
Need to be validated and understood
14 years since I was abandoned
Stuck in 1996
Reliance isn't rare
Adaptation is something the mind does when it knows there is nothing else it can
do. We adapt to misfortunes when we know we can't change them. But when we stand a fighting chance, we fight and that is why we struggle so much with temporary misfortune.
One way to change your life is to identify your weaknesses and fix them
Capitalize on your strengths
Identify your strengths and use them over and over again
You are what you do (how often are you kind; are you a leader). Track this. This is
Positive Psychology
At the end of each day write down what happened (good/bad) and 3 reasons why that happened
VIA Survey - Strengths…VIA Signature Strengths Survey
Monday, July 12, 2010
silent resignation
I went to the doctor today. I hesitantly completed the paperwork out last week. Struggling to choose the correct words to describe what problems I was experiencing, I chose: severe headaches, weight gain, fatigue, dysthymia.
It was physically painful to write those words - particularly "dysthymia". Admitting I have a problem on a blog that I don't even have the courage to make public, even though I know it will not be read...admitting my problem on paper, to be read by a doctor and nurses and that will be kept for years and years makes my heart race.
My blood pressure was 128/90. Apparently 90 is the cutoff for high blood pressure. I've never had high blood pressure before. It's also be low.
When the nurse asked why I was there and I hesitated, she said, "oh, to get established". I quietly concurred. The doctor was handsome. He was kind, personable, gentle and caring. He's the kind of man I wish I would've met when I was 22 and married and lived happily ever after with. But I didn't, so here I am at 35, single, alone and living imprisoned in my head and my pain.
When prompted, I told him about my headaches. He confirmed they sound like migraines. He gave me nasal spray to try for 10 days to rule out sinus or allergy problems. He also gave me a sample of preventative migraine medication.
I kept trying to think of how to bring up my depression and ask for an antidepressant. I kept hoping he would read my medical history and bring it up. He didn't. And neither did I.
I walked out, fifty dollars later feeling defeating. I have basically spent one hundred dollars in co-pays this month in an effort to pull myself out of this hell and it's all been for naught.
I cried in the car as I drove back to work. I continually tell myself, "This is it. This is all you get so you better learn how to accept it and move on." But I can't accept it. At least, I haven't been able to accept it thus far.
I'm suppose to have my lab results from the podiatrist sent over to him. Deep down inside I'm hoping they will reveal some type of major illness that will end this pain for me. I don't know how much longer I can live like this.
I don't want to be stuck here. I can't see a way out. I have started restricting again. The hunger hurts, but I'm hoping to get into the place where I feed off the hurt and widdle down to nothing.
It was physically painful to write those words - particularly "dysthymia". Admitting I have a problem on a blog that I don't even have the courage to make public, even though I know it will not be read...admitting my problem on paper, to be read by a doctor and nurses and that will be kept for years and years makes my heart race.
My blood pressure was 128/90. Apparently 90 is the cutoff for high blood pressure. I've never had high blood pressure before. It's also be low.
When the nurse asked why I was there and I hesitated, she said, "oh, to get established". I quietly concurred. The doctor was handsome. He was kind, personable, gentle and caring. He's the kind of man I wish I would've met when I was 22 and married and lived happily ever after with. But I didn't, so here I am at 35, single, alone and living imprisoned in my head and my pain.
When prompted, I told him about my headaches. He confirmed they sound like migraines. He gave me nasal spray to try for 10 days to rule out sinus or allergy problems. He also gave me a sample of preventative migraine medication.
I kept trying to think of how to bring up my depression and ask for an antidepressant. I kept hoping he would read my medical history and bring it up. He didn't. And neither did I.
I walked out, fifty dollars later feeling defeating. I have basically spent one hundred dollars in co-pays this month in an effort to pull myself out of this hell and it's all been for naught.
I cried in the car as I drove back to work. I continually tell myself, "This is it. This is all you get so you better learn how to accept it and move on." But I can't accept it. At least, I haven't been able to accept it thus far.
I'm suppose to have my lab results from the podiatrist sent over to him. Deep down inside I'm hoping they will reveal some type of major illness that will end this pain for me. I don't know how much longer I can live like this.
I don't want to be stuck here. I can't see a way out. I have started restricting again. The hunger hurts, but I'm hoping to get into the place where I feed off the hurt and widdle down to nothing.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
i am not okay
This blog was suppose to be about my doing and undoing. Thus far, there has only been undoing. I felt a sense of accomplishment and moving forward in my life when I took time off work week before last to regroup and make doctor's appointments to get my health under control. I made an appointment with a podiatrist to move forward with the bunion surgery I have needed for 15yrs.
Today was my appointment. Viewing the x-rays just confirmed to me that I have a significant problem with my feet. I'm not eligble to have a typical bunionectomy. The deformities are bad. My pain is bad. I felt extreme anxiety about taking off work, but a sense of excitement to finally get relief.
I talked to a co-worker who has had the surgeries. She said she did not regret it and would cover my work for me. I called my mother to get her opinion. I don't know why, but I truly expected her to be supportive and tell me it was time to get this done and not to worry about when I scheduled the surgery because she would be able to be there for me.
Instead, she told me, "I think you need a second opinion. I think you need to get one of the pastors at the church to pray over you and you should believe for your healing first."
I hate her. I f*cking, f*cking hate her. She will jump at any chance she gets to shatter my heart.
I couldn't reply to her. I wasn't going to reply to her. Tears immediately began to fall. My heart sank. Why did I think she would be supportive? She certainly didn't get any pastors to pray over her before I paid for her ten thousand dollar cosmetic dental work.
I mustered up the courage to tell her that I haven't been to church in over a year and a half and I didn't want to go back. And that it didn't matter either way, because I would lose no matter what. She acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. I explained that if I went and had someone pray over me and wasn't healed, it's because I don't have enough faith and that if I don't go, it's because of my lack of faith and she would make me feel guilty either way.
She went into her defensive, assertive mode and attacked me. I she told me that SHE'S not making me feel guilty. "It's your brain. It's you. It's NOT ME!" She went on a rant about the change in me over the past few months and how, "your brain has you thinking I'm imprionsing you and I'm not."
She went on to tell me she's prayed about moving out (which is a joke b/c she can't afford it) and that God told her the devil was trying to seperate us "prematurely". She kept saying, "it's not ME," which is funny because she's had these same confrontations with her mother and what eventually ended their relationship was her mother's refusal to acknowledge any wrongdoing whatsoever.
I'm going to cancel the surgery in the morning. I came home from work and we acted like the conversation never took place.
I hate her because she has refused to move on with her life and she's holding me back. I hate her because I hate my life and I blame her. I hate her for all the lies I have to make up about what I do on holidays and weekends. I do nothing. I spend them alone. I spend them sad and depressed because I don't have the families that my friends do. I don't have a husband to complain about at work. I don't have a child to take photographs of. I take pictures of other people and their happiness. I have a fifteen year old dog that I'm going to lose in the next few years. I have two cats and a sixty one year old mother who's been "believing" for her healing and her millionaire status to "come through" for twenty years now.
I have a few friends that I will soon lose because I also lose them. I have a dwindling savings. I have nothing really. I don't have the things that matter in life. I thought becoming a lawyer would make me happy. It hasn't. I thought moving away and starting over would make me happy. It hasn't.
I don't know how to rebuild. I don't know where to go from here. I want death to come more than ever. I want my blood work to come back positive for leukemia and I want to die soon.
There is no one in my life who understands me. I don't know that there ever will be.
Monday, July 5, 2010
state of mind
I haven't taken caffeine and bronkaid in five days. I experienced severe migraines during the process; though, I'm not sure how much of that was attributed to my period. I've been off work since 4:15pm on Friday. It's 11:38pm on Monday. For the most part, I've been in bed. Alone with my thoughts.
My depression heightens to a frightening degree right before and during my period. I don't know what to do about it.
I do feel like I've gotten into the right frame of mind to phase into weight loss mode. I'm ready to give up my beloved friend, pizza. I say that jokingly, but it's true. Food is the best friend I've had. The only friend I've been able to keep. Giving it up, is giving up my only comfort. But something has to be done.
Onward.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
unsunny
The sun never seems to come out long enough - literally or figuratively. I took off last Thu and Fri. In bed all day Thu. Friday, it took everything in me to paint over the water stains from leaks in the living room. Then I realized that guy at the paint store didn't give me the right finish. Went back to bed.
In bed most of the day Sat and Sun.
Forgot I promised a friend I would take pictures of her baby and lied to her about being out of town.
I lie to everyone. All the time.
Sunday, I discovered standing water in the floor vents. More and more and more money...haven't been able to pay the mortgage this month. Not because I don't have the money, but b/c of the anxiety paying bills brings.
Who will take care of me when my savings runs out?
Who will love me when my Mother dies?
Who will care for her if I die before she does?
I can't shut these thoughts off. I made an appointment with a podiatrist and with a general practitioner. The podiatrist is next week. The GP is the week after that.
I've been researching Adderall. Don't know if my insurance will cover it or not.
Mom's prescriptions can no longer be filled. She hasn't scheduled an appointment. She doesn't have insurance. I'm worried about her not getting her blood pressure medication especially.
My thoughts aren't consistent anymore. My moods change second by second. I have no passion. Photography has become a chore. Work is punishment. Food is temporary love...the only satisfaction I feel anymore and it never lasts.
I am not okay and it's scarry.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
working it out
Career: transfer to downtown location for more exposure
Weight: start w/30min lunch workouts 3x/week + 1hr workouts 4x/week
Diet: bring calories initially down to 1000/day
Mind: start reading 1 book/month & increase photography time
Emotions: get on antidepressant (no increase in appetite)
Health: bunion surgery (do before moving downtown)
Skin: start using anti-wrinkle cream
Makeup: MAC makeover at 40lb weight loss
Start at end of heavy work season (soon)
Weight: start w/30min lunch workouts 3x/week + 1hr workouts 4x/week
Diet: bring calories initially down to 1000/day
Mind: start reading 1 book/month & increase photography time
Emotions: get on antidepressant (no increase in appetite)
Health: bunion surgery (do before moving downtown)
Skin: start using anti-wrinkle cream
Makeup: MAC makeover at 40lb weight loss
Start at end of heavy work season (soon)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
*uck misery
I'm done being miserable. I want to be thin and happy and rich. I don't care if that's shallow - that's what I want. Thin, I can control. Happy, I can choose (I think). Rich, is going to take some work, but I will get there. I will.
I want to stop allowing depression to take a stronghold in my life. I'm tired of giving in.
I want to laugh and travel and shop and enjoy life.
I want my Mom to be happy. I want my Mom to feel loved.
I want to choose to get out of bed on the weekends.
I want to stop judging people and finding reasons not to trust them.
I want to be in control.
I want to be free.
Today's List
Shower
Hair/Makeup
Clean out trash in car (it's ridiculous)
Write case outline (work)
Write presentation (work)
Write list of things to do
Saturday, June 12, 2010
i want it back
I want to get back to that place in life where everything is new and hopeful. Where synicsm hasn't stolen my faith in people, in God. I want to be in a place where I don't know what my future will hold, but I feel something's going to be so good that I can't wait to get there.
I had those moments in my late teens, early twenties. I killed them when I killed the life that was growing inside of me. I let the rejection that followed bury itself so deep inside me that it took hold and poisoned my joy.
I want it back.
It was a stay in bed Saturday. The kind of Saturday that usually happens. Mother has been in bed all day and hasn't said much of anything - has even closed her door. This probably mean she's angry with me. I've said no more than ten words today. I spent the day on the internet. Looking through photos. Living through photos. Dreaming of the life I want. I ate an entire box of popsicles. I watered the backyard and front patio. I watched documentaries about "The States" on the History Channel.
I've been wrapped up in my head all day. Thinking, thinking, thinking. I want to start reading more. Want to write more. Want to plan. I want to act on my planning. I want to live. I don't want to live like anyone else either.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
weeds and clouds
sadness like weeds
can't think
can't sleep
soundly
dark clouds hover
something's wrong
worse than before
no light
stolen hope
barely hanging on
barely
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
can't sleep
1 in the morning
didn't accomplish all
house clean
insurance not cooperative
annoying
will file again in 10
no work motivation
one lazy coworker
another obnoxious
words replay
anger
why do i care
no one else seems to
food:
1 orange cinnamon roll
1 BOX pomegranate popsicles
1 side salad w/ranch
1 serv. fried slimy veggie (can't think of name)
2 serv. baked potato salad
3.5 serv. tortilla chips
1 serv. tomatillo sauce
1 cubic inch sharp cheddar cheese
workout:
0
FML
didn't accomplish all
house clean
insurance not cooperative
annoying
will file again in 10
no work motivation
one lazy coworker
another obnoxious
words replay
anger
why do i care
no one else seems to
food:
1 orange cinnamon roll
1 BOX pomegranate popsicles
1 side salad w/ranch
1 serv. fried slimy veggie (can't think of name)
2 serv. baked potato salad
3.5 serv. tortilla chips
1 serv. tomatillo sauce
1 cubic inch sharp cheddar cheese
workout:
0
FML
Monday, May 31, 2010
the day before normal
This is my typical weekend pattern:
Friday night: margaritas and Mexican food with one of two friends or go home and eat dinner with Mom and watch TV...go to bed around midnight.
Saturday: sleep in, wake up around 9:30, eat unhealthy breakfast, surf the internet for hours and hours and hours in bed. 5pm get out of bed and get drive-thru. Go back to bed and/or watch television or a movie in the living room. Go to sleep around midnight if I don't water the garden.
Sunday: repeat Saturday, except at 5pm, start freaking out b/c I haven't done laundry, haven't cleaned house, haven't changed the litter box, haven't accomplished anything...work up the motivation to clean and do laundry around 6 or 7pm. End up in bed around midnight.
On three day weekends, just add another Saturday. Occasionally I work up the energy to go to the grocery store on Sunday. I never have a list and get there and have an anxiety attack b/c I can't plan out what I need for the week.
Monday morning, I turn into a functional human being...but only when I walk through my office door.
I have a meeting with my insurance adjuster in the morning. I don't have to be at work until 1:15. I didn't do all of my laundry and didn't clean at all. I should have time to get some things done in the morning.
I wanted to start working out after work tomorrow. Sabotage.
I had plans to go to lunch with a friend on Sunday. I ignored her text and missed it. I texted her tonight and lied about having a crazy weekend that caused me to forget. I apologized. I haven't done this to her before (at least not that I remember). This is one of the ways I lose friends. I couldn't deal with it on Sunday. I couldn't deal with much of anything this week or weekend.
I'm PMS'ing right now. My emotions exacerbate significantly. In a day or so, I'll be less dramatic and more reasonable (fingers crossed). I'll probably read this and my previous post next week and cringe. Oh well - I promised to be honest. This is me and all my ridiculous honesty.
Tomorrow:
- strip/wash sheets
- finish laundry
- change/clean litter box
- scrub bathroom
- dust entire house
- vacuum entire house
- take out trash
- pack gym bag
- buy scales
- buy fruit & veggies
ambitious. we'll see.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
the thin line
It's not working. This life that I'm living and the way I'm living it. It's not working. As a girl I would cry myself to sleep because I was convinced I was unloved and wouldn't find love in my future. My fear of being unloved turned inward as I became a teen. I would cry myself to sleep because I hated the way I looked. I thought I was fat. Thought I was ugly. I didn't have boyfriends and was afraid no one would ask me to prom. They didn't. As a young woman just out of high school, I lost weight. I felt pretty. I felt sexy. For the first time in my life, men paid attention to me. Still, none of them interested enough in staying around for a serious, long-term relationship. I cried myself to sleep because I feared I would never marry. I didn't.
Then I met someone. Someone I wanted to be 'the one'. I got pregnant. He didn't want it. I wanted him more and ended it. Shortly after that, he ended our relationship and I died inside. I checked out completely. I withdrew from life. I didn't work. I didn't go to school. I slept all day. I watched television and ate all night. I slowly lost my friends and slowly gained fifty pounds.
My mother chastised me. My father ignored me. I started praying. I started reading the Bible and searching. I moved far enough out of the depression that I was able to start planning and setting goals.
My first was to get out of the hellhole my father had me living in that was soon to be my coffin. I moved in with my mother and needed her support. She was initially cold and untrusting - partly because I had given her reason and partly because she can be cold and untrusting.
I set a goal for myself - get a bachelor's degree. Check. Did it. I started working part time and seeking full time employment. Check. Did that too.
Once I started working, I felt important. I felt like I had purpose. I was good at what I did. I discovered that I was organized, hard working, reliable and self assertive. People admired me. I made friends with my fellow, mid-twenty-something co-workers. Our friendships grew and we developed a close-knit group who took vacations together and spent weekends together.
I made two decisions - to start dating again and get a Master's degree. One man I met through a work acquaintance and the other I met online. Both were horrid, horrid experiences. The first man, Steve (I think), was looking for a wife. He was a wealthy rancher and in his late thirties. His bio-clock was ticking and I thought I had the choice of pursuing a financially comfortable life with a man I would never truly be in love with. He was irritated one night when he called and I couldn't meet him because of work. He stopped calling shortly thereafter and I later learned that about the same time his ex-girlfriend became pregnant and they married. There went my comfortable life.
The internet guy was an obnoxious, alcoholic, liar who helped me make a decision. I decided that if I couldn't win at a game, I wouldn't play it. That was 2002. I haven't dated since. I haven't been kissed since. I've only been (sort of) asked out once since.
Since, clearly, I was a relationship failure; I focused all of my attention on grad school and work. My friendships were starting to come apart, however. Little quirks and nuances that each of my friends possessed started eating at me. Resentments settled it. Jealousy settled in. I started detaching and pushing away. More and more time was spent focusing on school. I received a promotion at work. My friends began resenting me and pulling away - this has been a recurring theme in my life.
Master's degree? Check. Next goal - doctoral program. This time, a little glitch…my father was dying of cancer. I wanted to move away. I wanted to start over.
I had been living with my mother the entire time. She initially supported me. Once I started working, we split the bills 50/50. She was making decent money for the first time in her life, but she hated her job. That was nothing new - she hated 'working' period. She has fibromyalgia and has struggled with depression my entire life. I wanted to get away from her. Not completely...just physically. I wanted my own place. I wanted my own life, but she needed me. We developed a codependent relationship over the years and I couldn't (and still can't) sever it.
I was accepted into a program in a neighboring state. My mother moved with me. I knew my father was dying, but I chose to move on. I supported him throughout his illness. His new wife hated me and tried to separate us. After I moved, he never called me again. He never spoke to me again...not even as he was dying.
I went back home when I learned he had a few days to live. I watched him fight death surrounded by the walls of his home - walls that his wife stripped of any photographs or signs of me or my brother. When it was over, I was relieved. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt for the feelings of relief.
I inherited a sizeable amount of insurance money that helped me through my doctoral program. On the day of my graduation, only my mother was present. My brother, my grandmother, my uncle didn't come. I wanted my brother there, but only if he would have made an effort to get there on his own rather than having my grandmother pay for it. I didn't necessarily want my grandmother or my uncle there, only because of the conflict it would present with my mother, but what hurt the most was they never asked about it. Once again, but for my mother, I was alone.
I was one of the few graduates in my class to get a job offer before graduation. They pay was terrible. Really, really terrible, but the work was what I thought I wanted to do. I have been there almost two years. At times, I love my work. Other times, I want to run away.
Shortly after being hired, I bought my first house. And I have been here ever since...in this house. I have a mother, a house and a job, and that is it. I have a few friends, but no one who knows me. I haven't allowed anyone to know who the real me is since I left behind my old work friends for my post grad program five years ago. I went to church for a while and developed relationships there, but have completely dissolved those friendships. My faith has begun to dwindle and come into question.
People at work are starting to notice that something is wrong with me. I've been asked if I'm depressed, but have covered it up with medical excuses.
My relationship with my mother is at an all time low. Other than Social Security income, she is completely dependent on me financially. She hasn't maintained employment since we moved here five years ago. I place a lot of blame on her for the way my life turned out. She has no idea. I resent her because she has chosen not to live her life. She and my father divorced twenty years ago and she refuses to date or remarry. She doesn't have friends. I am her friend, her provider, her caretaker at times and her daughter. She has no life and neither do I.
Tensions are at an all time high. The air is thick with tension and anger. Somewhere around twenty-two, I stopped the guttural, deep and painful crying. It went away for several years and was replaced by numbness. It returned when my father died. I can literally feel a stabbing pain in my heart again... the same pain I felt as a little girl who was certain she would never be loved... the same pain I felt as a teen who hated the way she looked...
At thirty-five, I have the exact same pain and the exact same feelings. I hate the way I look and I am certain I will never be loved. How the hell can someone feel this way for thirty, f'ing years?!
Most of my weekends are spent in bed, with my laptop. I'll get out of bed for food and sometimes to take some photographs. Mostly, I stay in bed and escape in television, movies and the internet. I do have some good weekends when I'll tackle a project like starting a flower garden. Once every six weeks or so, I will clean my house like a meth-fiend. Those weekends are almost always followed by a weekend in bed.
I daydream about being told I have cancer and choosing not to treat it. I go to sleep with images of laying my head down on the lunette of a guillotine and closing my eyes, waiting for the blade to fall. I've fantasized about suicide since the age of five or six. When I was fifteen, I swallowed an entire box of Actifed and only woke up feeling incredibly slow and drowsy. I didn't tell anyone about it. After the abortion, my desire to die was overwhelming. The only thing stopping me then was my fear of spiritual repercussions.
I no longer want to kill myself, but I am tired of living an anesthetized life. I feel like I just might be someone who has passed on and is caught in between worlds. Most of the time I feel intensely angry with intermittent bouts of intense feelings of sadness to the point of full blown grief. There are times when I can laugh. At work, I am very, very funny and make people laugh. That's my only escape from the angry - making people laugh.
This anger and sadness has to end. I have to make a plan to change things. I want to change five areas in my life:
- my appearance (weight/makeup/wardrobe/style)
- my emotions (anger/sadness)
- my faith (settlement)
- my finances (spending/saving/investing)
- my relationships (friendships/boundaries/to be further explored)
I am starting with my weight. My weight is a physical consequence of how I choose to deal with pain. It is my first target - probably because it is the easiest to control when I really try. Tomorrow is the last day I am going to allow myself to indulge in eating. I'm also going to buy some scales. Ugh. I haven't owned a set of scales in three years, but it's time and they are essential for holding me accountable.
This is my quest for happiness and these are the target areas that I think will help me get there. I hope this blog doesn't become too self-indulgent, but I can promise it will be honest. Hiding who I really am and my true feelings from the real world is exhausting. I don't have the energy to do it here too.
Please help me God - this thin line I've been walking is starting to vanish and I'm afraid it's the line between life and death.
To Do Tomorrow:
- buy scales
- diet plan
- workout plan
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