not a nice person

I finally weigh 140lbs - I've been stuck here for a while. My temper outbursts have caught up with me at work. Today I was berated by my boss who told me that when he hired me he thought I was a good person but now he's not so sure.

I am not a good person...I can barely fit into a size 6.

I accidentally threw away my phentermine last month with all of my Christmas bags. I've been without it since just after Christmas.

Binging and purging has increased significantly. I let myself binge and purge on 4 Hawaiann rolls - my face broke out.

I have worked so hard and I'm still fat, ugly and worthless. I'm lucky to still have a job.

I am not allowed more than 300 calories until after my weigh in on Monday.

I truly wish my suicide attempt had been successful.

what does it take to be happy

Four and a half months after starting my weight loss project, I've finally reached a healthy BMI, I'm at the high end of my normal weight range. I'm wearing a size 8 (haven't done that since 1995. I've got men paying attention to me. I'm receiving compliments and making people gasp when they see how much weight I've lost. I'm making new friends at work and being asked to do things...invited to parties and to dinners and to go places.

And yet...

My relationship with my mother is more strained than it's ever been in the past 10 years. My spending is more out of control than it's been in the past 6 years. My self esteem is lower than it's been in the past 12 years. And my eating disorder is more in control now than it's been in the past 14 years.

I won't give up. I plan on losing at least 20 more pounds. I want to be a size 4-6. I also have loose skin that I'm working on shrinking. I look "okay" in my clothes, but I look more average than anything.

I don't know what to do about my mother. If I had the money - I'd buy us separate houses, condos or a duplex. She doesn't comment on my weight. She doesn't comment on my clothes. She doesn't really talk to me other than to complain about being left with my animals. I'm not what she wanted in a daughter. I'm never going to be. I tried. I tried very hard to believe the way she does. To go to the same church she does. To practice the same faith she does. But it's not me. It's never going to be me and I feel resentful that I've wasted the past 10+ years trying to mold myself into what I perceive as who she wants me to be rather than finding out who I really am and what I really believe.

I'm tired of trying with her and just wish she had a means of providing for herself.

I'm just tired and ready to be happy.

Carbs are the Devil

And I haven't craved them since I started this eating plan... I mean, really, really crave. But yesterday, I got hungry in the afternoon and was at my desk where some Keebler cheese on cheese crackers beckoned me. I hearkened unto their call. They were delicious and hit the spot.

They also f'd up my entire food intake for the day. I've been trying to stay at or under 350 calories and have been doing a fairly decent job...certainly, I have stayed under 500 calories for several weeks now.

Then yesterday happened. Like a serpent with a pomegranate...and I have no room to criticize Eve...I am Eve. Yesterday I had 611 calories. AND to top it off, my aerobics instructor cancelled class so instead I jogged 1 mile (THE ENTIRE TIME). I haven't done that since college. It was only 10 minutes, but it kicked my butt. I can do 2hr aerobics and circuit training workouts, but one 10 minute mile had me feeling like my lungs would collapse. Either way - I still burned 1208 calories yesterday.

Today, however, was ugly. Not only did I eat 1 package of Keebler crackers...I ate TWO. OINK OINK. THEN after my workout I stopped at 7-11 to get gas and decided to go inside and buy small packages of almonds to take to work and munch on when I get hungry. Is that all I got? NO! Why? Because all I could think of while working out were mutha f*ing CARBS! So what did I do about it? Did I resist the devil and his shiny apple? Nope - I bought a 7.5oz bag of Gardetto's Cheddar Chipotle snack mix. Did I just allow myself one 150kcal serving? Hell NO! I ate the entire freaking bag! ALL 750 calories of it!!!! That's more than I ate all day long yesterday! Ugh. I'm so disgusted with myself.

Today's calorie count came in at 1553 calories! Thank God for my 2hr workout - it put me at 1247kcals burned. If not for exercise - I would be downing laxatives right now (I'm still resisting the urge to take them).

In other news, I got "scolded" today for leaving a sarcastic note in a file about a young, twatty little co-worker who acted like a 16yo JV cheerleader who had just been dissed by an 18yo Varsity cheerleader (varsity being me). My new supervisor was cool about it though and basically told me I was right, I just didn't need to actually write out what I did...she said I could make up my own symbols, which I appreciated.

I went to the doctor yesterday and have lost 10lbs in 1 month (I really wish it was 15 or 20, but I'll take 10). I lost 3 inches off my waist (since last month's measuring). My neck stayed the same and my hips went up, which make no sense to me. I think it's just the way I was measured b/c I'm going down in dress sizes. My body fat has gone down from over 40% to 34%. Yeah - I have a long way to go. I'm starting to worry about having loose skin.

As for the mother situation...she's back to being 88% normal.

As for "the crush"...and yes, I know I said I wasn't going to obsess over him any more, but I have no life and nothing else to do, so "the crush" remains in effect. Here's what I don't get... I know that the way a man reacts to you tells you whether he's into you. Lots of attention = way into you. No attention = not into you at all. So, Monday, I got up early and wore a gorgeous new winter white cowl neck sweater. I did my hair in an updo to accentuate my neck. I got a ridiculous amount of compliments (men and women AGAIN).

AND here's how our encounter went... We both met up at the elevators at the same time. Made slight eye contact. I pressed the button and he stepped several feet away from me, but in an awkward way...like he was too uncomfortable to be around me. Then, it was like he was trying specifically to AVOID making eye contact with me. Once we got on the elevator, he moved to the opposite side and started talking to another man.

I'm just saying... It's weird. It's not like a normal - he has no idea and/or interest in me. It's like he's making a concerted effort to avoid me. There can be absolutely no way he knows that I'm into him and trying to get his attention. So, I'm wondering what all this means. Most likely, it means NOTHING and he's just not into me. At all. As usual. FML.

Completely Unnoticed

Yep...I got up early yesterday morning b/c I knew I would see "the crush". I had a new black pencil skirt dress with a pretty beaded pink cardigan picked out to wear (with Spanx underneath of course). I took extra time doing my hair up with some whisps falling down on my face. And I made sure my makeup wasn't too much, but was enough to bring out my eyes...I even pencil-lined my lips.

I got multiple compliments from men and women. And...he walked right past me without even blinking. No eye contact. No slight head turn. Nothing.

And that's the sum of the effect I have on men. FML

In other news - Mom is still giving the silent Tx and I weighed in at 153 this morning.

Silent Treatmented

I am thinner than I have been in 4 years. I'm able to wear the suits I bought when I first moved here to go to school. Last night I put on the suit I wore to my father's funeral. I have to admit - (FOR ME) - I look great. One of my girlfriends told me her husband said I look hot. My female friends tell me all the time that I look skinny. A man (albeit a sleezeball) paid special attention to me on Thursday when I wore a red little sweater and told me how nice I looked. I'm in 10's! Finally! I'm thinking about taking back the size 12 suits I bought on sale last month b/c they are 12's and almost too big.

I'm able to do 2hr workouts twice a week, on top of my other 1hr workouts (totally a minimum of 6hr workouts/week).

I feel good about myself, although I'm still self critical and know I have a ways to go. BUT, at least I feel GOOD about myself.

Friday night I met up with coworker/friends at a bar and let loose for the first time in probably 5 or 6 years. I had three merlots and 2 lemon drop shots. I wasn't sloppy drunk, but I was happy drunk. So happy drunk that my friends took away my keys and drove me home. I KNEW how pissed my Mom would be. And have been paying for it ever since.

I got up early the next morning to go get my car and she wouldn't talk to me. In fact, when I tried to ask her if she wanted me to leave my dog out or put her up she said, "I don't even want to talk to you right now." She had that same judgmental-you're-not-the-daughter-I-wanted tone in her voice like she did when I was in my twenties.

She hasn't really spoken to me since. I feel like I'm in a loveless marriage and waiting for her to ask for a divorce.

Part of me feels abandoned. Part of me feels rejected. Part of me feels judged. And part of me wants to tell her to f*ck the h*ll off and let me live my g*ddamned life. Seriously! I'm sick and tired of her projecting her manic f*cking depression onto me. I'm not a charismatic christian. I don't want to end up like her...alone, believing I'm all alone b/c it's God's will and one day He'll spontaneously make me a millionaire. She doesn't work. She has "fibromyalsia" which I call b*llsh*t on and uses it as an excuse not to work. She has fantasies about prophecy and the 2nd coming and in the end...she's just like her mother. Alone and resented.

I don't want to end up alone and resented. I don't want to become her. I want her to let me go, but I feel so much guilt about that, that I don't think I will ever sever whatever tie she has to me.

FML FML FML FML

I can't win for losing. I also think she's jealous of the weight I've lost b/c she's not losing that much anymore (probably has something to do with the fact she makes every f*cking excuse in the book to not exercise).

I hate her. I love her. I want to be rid of her. I need her. I'm tired of being judged by her and shunned with her disapproval for not living my life the way SHE wants me to. It's not fair.

I wish I would just meet the man of my dreams who could afford to help me support her and let her live in my house so I could move on. She, of course, wouldn't approve of him b/c he won't be a televangelist or mega-church pastor and that would probably end our relationship forever. I'm afraid for her and how her life will end. I hate that, that is my solution...I wish I could afford alone, to let her live by herself...but that's not realistic with my job and salary. It's the only way out that I see.

And I don't know if that will ever truly happen anyway...

The crush situation...I wore the previously mentioned "red sweater" for him last Thursday. I couldn't tell if he "notice-noticed" me, or if he just looked in my general direction. I can tell you that I made him notice me by hanging around a coworker-friend all afternoon that he had to deal with until he approached her and made eye contact with me. To be perfectly honest...I don't think I turn his head, which makes me feel rejected.

Another friend called me this afternoon to tell me that a man she knows was coming by to meet me/check me out. He's early 40's, 2 kids, not interested in marrying until they're grown (no idea their ages). He did come by. He was attractive and nice. I don't think he was interested either though. I doubt I'll hear anything back. Probably not a good idea to "date" someone who works for the same organization I do anyway. (I tell myself these things to lessen how rejected I feel).

I don't understand what is wrong with me. I know that I'm not really pretty, but I'm not ugly either. I have friends who are much less attractive and have / had no problem. It's like there's almost a supernatural force that binds men from wanting to be with me. Maybe I'm using that as an excuse for my lack of desireability.

I'm tired of thinking about it. My Mom just opened my door without asking or knocking to let my cat in. That was an F-U to me...She never opens my door without asking fist. Fuck her. I fucking hate her.

Becoming thin isn't making me happy internally - it's just an external distraction that gives me something to focus on that I can change. My life...my situation...I'm not sure it will ever change.

If I were perfectly honest, I'd admit to what I think will end up happening to me. I think within the next five years or so I will be diagnosed with cancer and it will take my life. My Mom will help take care of me. Friends will come by and visit. But I won't have anything to look forward too, so it will just be an out for me. I can't say I'm not looking forward to it in a weird way either. My Mom will be taken care of with my life insurance (yes, I have a life insurance policy to make sure she will be financially okay). I worry that it's not enough and she'll blow through it. But I'll be gone and that's all I really want anyway...hopefully, I won't be able to know how things turn out for her.

God, what a fucked up blog entry. When do you think she'll start talking to me again?

PMpSychotic

I feel like I'm slipping and losing it. I had dinner and drinks with girlfriends on Friday night and ate like a f*cking pig (worse than ever before). I also lied about my past. I don't know why - probably b/c if I told the truth - that I'm a depressive with an ED...well, that would just be too pathetic and honest...I needed something sexier, so I created it. I'm good at that. I do it all the time. No one knows me. I don't think anyone ever will.

Still PMS'ing. Anger and resentment builds and focuses its attention on my mother. Blame. Blame. Blame. It's all her fault I'm in my mid-thirties and have no children, no husband, no privacy. It's all her fault for being so selfish and not letting me leave her and start my own life. All her - not me...her.

I saw "the crush" on Friday. He looked right through me, of course. Who am I kidding? I'm not that attractive to men. Women will tell me I'm cute or pretty. Men don't. Accept it and move on. Stop allowing your heart to be wrung out like a dirty rag.

My weight is up four pounds and I want to die. I wish my period would just start already.

I have a project due at work tomorrow and I'm hoping to get an extention b/c it's not ready. I'm anxious about it and unable to sleep. Why do I do this? Normally, I would've worked late during the week to get it done, but I HAVE to workout. I was too lazy to work on it this weekend. I could half-@ss it, but I don't want to. I want to do it right. I can't even pray and ask God to work it out for me b/c I feel so distant from Him that any prayer asking for menial help seems trite.

My mind is racing...it's Sunday night...it always races on Sunday night. Tonight seems worse than usual.

I bought more Bronkaid yesterday. On Saturday, I took 13 laxatives (5 in am and 6 in pm). It made me feel "cleaned out" but it didn't make my weight go down...

I hate my life right now. I hate it.

meltdown

I had one tonight - a meltdown, that is. I went away last weekend and blew my diet on Friday (at 1675 calories...the most ever). Saturday, I managed to stay under 1000 calories and I was back on track Sunday. I went 3 days without working out and with the increased calories, I managed to gain 3lbs (I was down to 159.8 on Thursday 10/21. The trip was terrible and the weather completely ruined my plans...typical.

I purged for the first time in a long time (probably 4 weeks or so) in the hotel room. My friend and I shared a room and I snuck the ice bucket into the bathroom and pretended to take a bath while I did it.

I'm starting to feel more and more overwhelmed at work. I need to stay late and get on top of things, but that would mean I miss my aerobics class, which would mean I would stop losing, which would mean I would stay fat, which would mean I might as well curl up and die.

Tonight, I really wanted to stay, but I also really needed the workout. The instructor didn't show last night and I only got in about 30 minutes of low impact cardio. Well, tonight, a different instructor didn't show and I felt sheer anger swell up inside my veins. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I wanted to go off on the manager. I wasn't kind - they knew I was pissed, but I held it in and left.

Great. Now I haven't had a serious workout in 5 days! So, I went shopping instead. I've spent money that I don't need to be spending on a new wardrobe. I've skimped on some things and splurged on others. Right now, 14's are a little big on me and 12's are a little snug. I have a lot of clothes that I can't wear and it's frustrating in my new work environment where I'm surrounded by thin, pretty, professional women who have husbands and fiance's to support them so they can spend til their hearts are content on pretty clothes.

I found several new pieces tonight, including a cowl-neck dress that I feel gorgeous in. However, at the same time, I'm having to remind myself that I'm still a fat@ss and the guy I can't stop thinking about & crushing over has no idea I exist. He doesn't even know my name. We've made eye contact. I've seen him look at me. He's said "hi" to me, but I also know that I cannot gauge the difference between regular attention men give to women and "I'm-attracted-to-you-attention". I have absolutely no idea how to tell the difference and I've read men wrong all my life, so why would I get it correct now?

God, this blog is so self-serving and whiny. I broke down in tears twice tonight. I think I'm about to start my period. I'm a mess and I f*cking hate hormones. I hope I am about to start my period - at least that would explain the 3lb gain and inability to lose it.

FML. Really.

On My Way

Today I weighed in at 162. I've officially lost 30lbs in 2 months. I can no longer wear my 18's - I can't even get by with them...they fall off. I'm pulling out old clothes left and right. I spent all day Saturday shopping.

I fully realize that I'm not even half way to my goal (125); however, I'm close to half way and I feel like a different person.

I even have a crush that I'm trying to keep under control - i.e. realistically tell myself that nothing will ever come of it so stop your pining and prevent your own future heartache.

I weighed in and measured at the gym on Saturday. Since May 2009, I've lost 43lbs and 51.25 inches. I had to add the numbers twice!

I'm keeping my calories under 500 as much as possible. I'm for sure not allowing myself to go over 800 on "eat out to fit in" days. I'm working out 4 times a week. I'm feeling great and starting to feel pretty. I find myself smiling and feeling more outgoing. The anger and bitterness is starting to go back into their hole.

I'm on my way to feeling like living again. It's about time.

Numbers Game

I weighed in this morning at 166.8! F*ck Yeah! I had my morning vegetarian saugage, then an apple and organic mozzarella cheese stick for lunch. Went to the gym after work and did step aerobics. I couldn't help but notice that my workout pants were loose. Once again I say, "F*ck Yeah!"

I got home and Mom had made me a vegetarian chick pattie and had broccoli, cauliflower and some carrots ready to stir fry. She also sliced an avocado. It irritated me b/c she nuked the pattie so it was tough and I had no desire to stir fry the veggies. I didn't ask her to cook for me, and while it's sweet of her, she's a terrible cook and her food shows her disdain for cooking.

Mom was in the shower when I got home so I took a bite of broccoli and poured the rest of the food (sans the expensive avocado) down the disposal. I put the avocado back in the fridge. It feels so good to eat less than 300 calories in a day and to know that I burned more than that working out. I love this sense of control. I love seeing results.

It's finally happening for me and it's about f*cking time.

160's!!!!

I hit 169.4 today. When I saw one-SIX-nine on the scale this morning, I can't begin to describe the feeling of euphoria. At the same time, I reminded myself that I got down to 167ish three years ago and was feeling good about myself and then saw a picture of me in my new clothes and the "happy weight loss" high immediately ended and I packed on the pounds again.

I'm trying to stay grounded. My eating has been good with the exception of a 1200 calorie day on Friday. I let myself have 1/2 a quesadilla & a small ceasar salad and then Mom made dinner w/refried beans (she bought them and of course she didn't get the fat free brand)...so, I would've stayed under 1000 if I could had control over my dinner that night.

Speaking of control - I would've been able to completely fast today if Mom hadn't asked me about dinner. She was in a mood where she would've been uncomfortably pissed if I had told her no thank you...so my calories came in under 300 today. I've had several less than 500 calorie days. I love those days - especially when I workout as well.

I'm in 14's now, though they are snug. I'm starting to see my old body again...I'm starting to feel pretty again.

I like my new job and the people I work with. I want to write about my "elevator encounter" and the "mis-sent text" but I'm too tired. I cleaned out my garage and two closets today. It's almost 11:30 and I should have been in bed an hour ago.

when did i become such a b*tch

Today was my last day at work. I have a love/hate relationship with leaving. I need it and I hate it. My defenses were up. My period had its fangs out. A co-worker decided that I would choose where to have lunch instead of an office luncheon. This hurt the secretaries feelings b/c they luvs them sum luncheons and they wouldn't be able to leave all at once to go.

A distribution email went out and I was asked to choose the restaurant. I did and said we'd need to get a headcount for reservations. Four mother f*ckers responded...one of whom said they weren't sure if they could make it. Feelings, meet dagger...Dagger, lacerate feelings.

This morning, the same person sent out an email to everyone asking if anyone made reservations. It PISSED ME OFF. Someone please explain why this is so difficult? Why am I so goddamn unimportant that they can't plan one f*cking reservation for lunch?

That's when my blood started boiling. I could feel my face getting hot. The filter section of my brain was temporarily suspended and the b*tch took over. I did what I almost always regret doing... I hit REPLY ALL and I said what I was thinking...

"Of course not (referring to whether reservations had been made) and only four people responded. I have a huge schedule this morning so let's not even worry about it."

Slightly passive, mostly aggressive much?

I ended up not getting done with my work until 12:30 and everyone took the hint and had been waiting on me for about an hour or so. I only spent about 20-25 minutes at my lunch (which I didn't want in the first place). One person bought my lunch. There was a card with nice things that were said (mostly about my sense of humor). I went back to the office and tied up loose ends. I packed up my sh*t and got the hell out of there.

I didn't even tell my boss goodbye. When I end things, I end things. I said I'd be back and wouldn't stay away, but that's a lie. I start over about every two to three years. New job. New friends. New body. New life.

I can't get to sleep tonight and have taken 45mg of melatonin and 1 sominex. I'm hoping it will knock me out. I'm very anxious about starting over. I don't know where to park. I don't know what time to leave. I need gas in my car. I'm still fat. I don't know what I'm doing.

I hate my personality. I hate being such a b*tch. I don't know when it started...I've been this way (at least partially) since I was a little girl.

Will I ever establish roots and stay in one place?

out of the 180's

I hit 179 on Thursday 9/16/10. On Monday 9/20/10, I hit my lowest # in over three years...174! I've been stuck on 174 ever since and it's driving me crazy. I'm PMS'ing though and my face is broken out like I was 14 again. Not sure why...you would think cutting out all refined sugar would help...I'm also not eating that much dairy. Maybe it's purely hormonal, but I was hoping my diet would affect the acne. Either way, I'm truly proud of myself for getting out of the 180's.

I need to update more, but have to jump in the shower and start my Saturday. Time to by new clothes in a size 14-16. Down from a tight 18.

People are now commenting on my weight loss and it feels great.

Here's to the coming 160's!

can't touch this

Resisted another office luncheon today. Yes, we just had one LAST F*CKING WEEK, but apparently I'm the only person in my office who doesn't enjoy taking time after work to purchase unhealthy food that will feed an army to watch 12-15 glutenous, mannerless people gorge themselves.

I did say I would bring guacamole, but had a killer workout last night and didn't feel like going to the store...nor did I feel like waking up early to do it.

On my lunch hour, I bought ME (how selfish is that) 1 large avocado and a quart of strawberries to serve with the cake. I ate the avocado (should've only had 1/2 but ate the whole thing) with a tomato...I didn't even eat a strawberry.

My calories came in at 601 (1 lb over) and I went to the gym and did 1hr cardio even though I'd been on my feet ALL DAY LONG and got gym-ditched by my workout buddy.

My boss approached me today and told me I could move downtown now if I wanted too. Panic struck in. I had planned on losing 20lbs before I did that. Not that 172lbs is going to be that different than 192lbs, BUT it does make a difference clothing-wise. I was going to buy some new clothes in a size 14 before I moved. I think I will ask to stay through the end of the month. I'm not sure I'll be in 14's then, but a girl can dream.

I need to write about the table manners exibited by my co-workers one day. I've never been around a large group of people who collectively eat LITERALLY like pigs. I can't wait to get away from that.

Oh - and I weighed in at 180.8 this morning! Pah-leeze God let me hit 179 tomorrow!!!! Oh, to be out of the 180's.

hunger schmunger

Last week's goals:
I completed four 1hr workouts (Tue, Wed, Fri, Sat)
I didn't make 180 by Monday...came in at 181.2 so I lost 4.6lbs instead of 5.0
I also didn't come in under 600 calories everyday last week:
Mon 9/6: 234
Tue 9/7: 359
Wed 9/8: 536
Thu 9/9: 648 *FAIL*
Fri 9/10: 787 *FAIL*
Sat 9/11: 559

I would give myself a B- for overall performance last week. Not too bad...worked out, restricted. You'd think I would've lost more than 4.6lbs??? I was hoping to lose 20lbs my first month. I'm still shooting for that and I think it's doable if my metabolism will cooperate. I need to remember to take the chromium picolinate in the afternoons with my 2nd dose of phentermine. If I don't make 20, I MUST lose at LEAST 15. That's absolutely doable.

I love the feeling of my stomach shrinking. I love putting on my "almost too tight fat pants" and feeling them being almost too loose to wear. That happened this morning. That feeling is addicting.

I saw a girl that works for a different agency yesterday who was morbidly obese (she was probably 250lbs+). She had lap-band surgery not too long ago and SHE LOOKS FREAKIN' AMAZING. Like a younger sister version of herself. That was really, really motivating. I'd love to run into people I went to school with who could barely recognize me. I want to make people's jaws drop. I want to turn heads. I use to do that. I miss that attention.

Next Week's Goals:
Calories under 600 (I've already gone over that Sunday & Monday, but made up for it today). Need to weigh in at 176 (that would be a 5lb loss this week). I just realized that to make 20lbs in 30 days, I would have to lose 11 lbs by 9/23/10. That's 10lbs in 11 days. At the rate I've been going, I'm not sure that's realistic, but maybe if I kick up the workouts. Workout 6 days.

holy mother of hunger

The hunger has been really bad over the past two days. I don't know if the phentermine isn't working anymore, or if I'm just restricting so much when I'm use to eating 2000+ calories a day that it's starting to takes its toll.

Despite the hunger, I've stayed under 1000 calories. Yesterday I came in at 648 calories, but didn't work out. Fatigue has become a significant problem too. I feel like at any time during the day, I could lay down and fall fast asleep.

I'm proud of myself for fighting the fatigue and going to the gym after work tonight. I almost kept driving. I felt great on the elliptical and did 30 minutes. I use to be able to do 1hr. I did a little lower body circuit training too. I started to feel very lonely while I was at the gym. I thought how sad it was that here I am in my mid-thirties, alone on a Friday night at the gym. I tried to change my train of thought, but couldn't. I don't understand why I'm alone. I get that I'm fat, but there are a lot of fat girls who are in relationships...just not me.

My calories came in at 787 tonight. I'm too tired to keep writing.

office luncheon spanked

The office luncheon came and went and never even tempted me. I allowed myself 5 almonds and passed up everything else, including the pasta salad that would be easy to "write off" as healthy even though I know I'm cutting out white flour right now.

There was some sort of cheese dish - never made me flinch. I had 1/2 of a grapefruit, 1/2 cucumber, 1 Roma tomato & 1/2 tbsp balsamic vinegar with water. Boom! Dear Office Luncheon...Suck it! Love, Maggie!

Now, tomorrow, meeting A & C at a salad/wrap restaurant. Not sure how I'll handle that. I'm thinking about making my own salad and asking for balsamic vinegar as dressing only...or maybe a fruit plate? Not sure.

The sky was gray and it rained all day. My energy was zapped, particularly when my dog woke me up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I pushed through the fatigue and worked out at the gym tonight.

I also saw 183 on the scale this morning AND tonight. 182...I need 182 to show up tomorrow! If I could be at 180 by Monday, I'd be THRILLED. I'm really hungry right now, but I don't care. I love seeing the pounds drop like they did when I was in my early 20's.

score today!!!

Restriction is in overdrive (for me at least) right now. Today's Kcals: 359. Kcals burned with step aerobics, upper body circuit and walking at the gym: 740. It feels so good to know I'm in control again. My Capri pants were loose when I put them on this morning - the only better feeling is getting into a smaller size.

I will be tested tomorrow b/c we're having an "office lunch". I hate these f*ckers with a passion. I work in an office of about 15 people. Each person brings enough crappy, fattening, starchy food to feed 10 people, which means theoretically 150 people could eat off of our 1 lunch.

Then, the secretaries will scrape every last sh*tty piece of food into a plastic container and jam up the refrigerator. Over the next 2-3 days, 5-8 different people will be sticking their unwashed hands in those containers to attempt to finish off the glutenous remains. When there's not enough left for 1 person to stuff their face, 1-2 tablespoons worth of food will sit in the containers rotting and waiting for ME to clean it out.

In the meantime, air doesn't circulate properly b/c there's too much food in the fridge, which means, those of us (ME) who bring fresh fruits & veggies will have frost bitten or unevenly refrigerated food.

It's so disgusting and wasteful that I refuse to participate in them any longer.

I think I'll take my car to be washed over lunch. That also serves as a middle finger to everyone for celebrating EVERY ONE'S birthday but mine. Ugh, I can't wait to start my new job next month.

And if I don't see 183 on the scales in the morning...I might become a danger to myself and/or others.

labor day

Good day. Went shopping with Mom for the first time in a year. Felt judged at times - I feel a heaviness weigh down on my chest when this happens. We put together a Christmas wreath at Hobby Lobby toward the end of the day and it felt nice...very motherly-daughterly. Wish it could feel that way all of the time.

My denim carpi's were loose and I had to keep pulling them up - AWESOMENESS! For breakfast I had a Veggie Sausage Pattie and some watermelon. While we were out shopping, we stopped at Sonic. Mom got a large order of fries. I got a diet limeade and that was it for the day! (didn't drink enough water though). Total calories for today: 234. My stomach feels so amazing empty - it feels flat. I love that feeling. I can get addicted to that feeling.

Tomorrow it's back to the gym.

not too bad

Last Monday was the day before my period. Normally, I cry and feel suicidal. That didn't happen at all...phentermine effect? Because I didn't get ready for a huge work project, I ended up cramming on Monday night and being ready to go on Tuesday. By Tuesday, I started my period, but was too busy at work to notice. I barely ate at all and wasn't hungry either. I didn't lose, however, which is a complete let down, but at least I didn't gain on account of my period. By Friday, my project was complete and I wanted to eat out so badly...I was craving chips and salsa and cheese dip. A co-worker went with me...I had chips, cheese sauce, salsa, & borato (avocado, fried onions, fried jalapenos and fresh tomatoes). We got back to the office and my boss slices a gorgeous bakery-made double layer strawberry cake with cream cheese icing. I had a small slice and immediately felt regret.

Panic started to set in. I had done so well and then went and blew it. I got a plastic food container out of the kitchen and took it back to my office. I locked my door and filled it completely up. I got interrupted and had to stop and take care of an on-call matter. Once it was finished, I went back in my office, locked the door again and threw up until I couldn't anymore. It was so relieving. I've never purged at the office before (that I can remember). I took my trash can liner, wrapped it up and threw it away in the large trash can in the kitchen. I made sure there was enough trash on top that no one would notice.

My friend C. asked me to go to a wine tour on Saturday. I hesitantly agreed...I knew I needed to get out, but I really would've preferred to stay in bed all day (pretty much what I've done today). I mustered up the strength to go and enjoyed myself. I took small sips of wine...in total, I probably had 3/4th of a normal glass of wine. I ordered a salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing and restrained from eating the candied pecans on it. I've allowed myself to eat cheese, but had a hard time resisting the delicious buttered, flavored crackers...I think I had 3.

All in all...I did extremely well for a road trip - never ate any fast food and kept my calories under 900. I took 4 laxatives before going to bed and woke up this morning getting rid of a lot of "junk" that has kept me constipated for the past week.

While we were on our road trip, I struggled over not being the driver and having control. There were so many times I wanted to stop and shoot and C. never said a word. I saw some beautiful tree covered hills...I'd forgot what it was like to take a road trip and be surrounded by beautiful scenery. It's funny how you're able to forget what life feels like when it hurts so badly to live it. I can't say that I truly had fun and appreciated what I saw. I didn't have an epiphany, like, "This is what I've been missing out on...how could I have wasted so much of my life?" I think I'm over that stage. I've wasted most of my life. Now, I'm just trying to figure out how to get by without wishing it would hurry up and be over... And the only way I want to do it, is with a thin body... So I guess before I can let myself get on with living, I'm going to have to starve my ass off literally.

Things with Mom are getting better, but there's still a lot of anger hidden under the softening exterior of our relationship. A lot of what I'm doing is faking being interested in what she has to say. I texted her every time we were headed to another town and felt fucking ridiculous doing it. I'm 3& g-damn years old. The entire drive home I worried that she would act like a hateful bitch because I'd been gone all day and left her with the animals. She was fine when I got home. She's unpredictable. It's hard. I have so much pent up resentment. I really do think the phentermine is helping though - more so with my depression than my weight loss. Am I someone who's missing neurotransmitters and needs a stimulant to feel normal?

I did terribly today and it was partly b/c I didn't keep myself busy. When all I do is sit in bed, watch TV and fool around on the Internet, all I can think of is food. I had photos to edit, but I haven't been able to even upload them to my laptop. I just don't have the drive and interest in photography that I use to have. That makes me sad, because it use to be so challenging and fulfilling.

I'm still at 185. I really, really, really want to lose another 5lbs this coming week. That's going to be my goal. I've got to stay under 600 calories this week and workout at least 4 times.

saturday night success

I did it! I passed up two of my favorite comforts in the whole world - chips & dip and red wine (technically three comforts, but the chips & dip are kind of a paired match). I went to a game night at a friend of a friend's house around 8. I ate before hand at 5 (veggie "chik" pattie, 1/2 avocado & 1C green beans). The chips and dip were out on the table when I got there, along with some Cheez-Its (another favorite). Then two more people arrived with red wine and two party trays with cheese (my staple), veggies and ranch dip. Finally, the last person arrived with Chik-Fil-A (I don't eat meat, but the smell of Chik-Fil-A makes me salivate).

We were there playing games until 12:05am and all I had was water! That's right! Water!!!! H2O!!! Who am I? I even stopped at Taco Bell and ordered my Mom a crispy taco/sub beans for meat and didn't order anything for me.

Phentermine is my new hero (today I took 1/2 around 11am and another 1/2 around 3pm). It's 1:14 in the morning, however, and I'm not the least bit sleepy. I'm hoping journaling my success and then logging in the last of my calories on SparkPeople will calm me down.

Dear God, I love this stuff!!!!