Carbs are the Devil

And I haven't craved them since I started this eating plan... I mean, really, really crave. But yesterday, I got hungry in the afternoon and was at my desk where some Keebler cheese on cheese crackers beckoned me. I hearkened unto their call. They were delicious and hit the spot.

They also f'd up my entire food intake for the day. I've been trying to stay at or under 350 calories and have been doing a fairly decent job...certainly, I have stayed under 500 calories for several weeks now.

Then yesterday happened. Like a serpent with a pomegranate...and I have no room to criticize Eve...I am Eve. Yesterday I had 611 calories. AND to top it off, my aerobics instructor cancelled class so instead I jogged 1 mile (THE ENTIRE TIME). I haven't done that since college. It was only 10 minutes, but it kicked my butt. I can do 2hr aerobics and circuit training workouts, but one 10 minute mile had me feeling like my lungs would collapse. Either way - I still burned 1208 calories yesterday.

Today, however, was ugly. Not only did I eat 1 package of Keebler crackers...I ate TWO. OINK OINK. THEN after my workout I stopped at 7-11 to get gas and decided to go inside and buy small packages of almonds to take to work and munch on when I get hungry. Is that all I got? NO! Why? Because all I could think of while working out were mutha f*ing CARBS! So what did I do about it? Did I resist the devil and his shiny apple? Nope - I bought a 7.5oz bag of Gardetto's Cheddar Chipotle snack mix. Did I just allow myself one 150kcal serving? Hell NO! I ate the entire freaking bag! ALL 750 calories of it!!!! That's more than I ate all day long yesterday! Ugh. I'm so disgusted with myself.

Today's calorie count came in at 1553 calories! Thank God for my 2hr workout - it put me at 1247kcals burned. If not for exercise - I would be downing laxatives right now (I'm still resisting the urge to take them).

In other news, I got "scolded" today for leaving a sarcastic note in a file about a young, twatty little co-worker who acted like a 16yo JV cheerleader who had just been dissed by an 18yo Varsity cheerleader (varsity being me). My new supervisor was cool about it though and basically told me I was right, I just didn't need to actually write out what I did...she said I could make up my own symbols, which I appreciated.

I went to the doctor yesterday and have lost 10lbs in 1 month (I really wish it was 15 or 20, but I'll take 10). I lost 3 inches off my waist (since last month's measuring). My neck stayed the same and my hips went up, which make no sense to me. I think it's just the way I was measured b/c I'm going down in dress sizes. My body fat has gone down from over 40% to 34%. Yeah - I have a long way to go. I'm starting to worry about having loose skin.

As for the mother situation...she's back to being 88% normal.

As for "the crush"...and yes, I know I said I wasn't going to obsess over him any more, but I have no life and nothing else to do, so "the crush" remains in effect. Here's what I don't get... I know that the way a man reacts to you tells you whether he's into you. Lots of attention = way into you. No attention = not into you at all. So, Monday, I got up early and wore a gorgeous new winter white cowl neck sweater. I did my hair in an updo to accentuate my neck. I got a ridiculous amount of compliments (men and women AGAIN).

AND here's how our encounter went... We both met up at the elevators at the same time. Made slight eye contact. I pressed the button and he stepped several feet away from me, but in an awkward way...like he was too uncomfortable to be around me. Then, it was like he was trying specifically to AVOID making eye contact with me. Once we got on the elevator, he moved to the opposite side and started talking to another man.

I'm just saying... It's weird. It's not like a normal - he has no idea and/or interest in me. It's like he's making a concerted effort to avoid me. There can be absolutely no way he knows that I'm into him and trying to get his attention. So, I'm wondering what all this means. Most likely, it means NOTHING and he's just not into me. At all. As usual. FML.

when did i become such a b*tch

Today was my last day at work. I have a love/hate relationship with leaving. I need it and I hate it. My defenses were up. My period had its fangs out. A co-worker decided that I would choose where to have lunch instead of an office luncheon. This hurt the secretaries feelings b/c they luvs them sum luncheons and they wouldn't be able to leave all at once to go.

A distribution email went out and I was asked to choose the restaurant. I did and said we'd need to get a headcount for reservations. Four mother f*ckers responded...one of whom said they weren't sure if they could make it. Feelings, meet dagger...Dagger, lacerate feelings.

This morning, the same person sent out an email to everyone asking if anyone made reservations. It PISSED ME OFF. Someone please explain why this is so difficult? Why am I so goddamn unimportant that they can't plan one f*cking reservation for lunch?

That's when my blood started boiling. I could feel my face getting hot. The filter section of my brain was temporarily suspended and the b*tch took over. I did what I almost always regret doing... I hit REPLY ALL and I said what I was thinking...

"Of course not (referring to whether reservations had been made) and only four people responded. I have a huge schedule this morning so let's not even worry about it."

Slightly passive, mostly aggressive much?

I ended up not getting done with my work until 12:30 and everyone took the hint and had been waiting on me for about an hour or so. I only spent about 20-25 minutes at my lunch (which I didn't want in the first place). One person bought my lunch. There was a card with nice things that were said (mostly about my sense of humor). I went back to the office and tied up loose ends. I packed up my sh*t and got the hell out of there.

I didn't even tell my boss goodbye. When I end things, I end things. I said I'd be back and wouldn't stay away, but that's a lie. I start over about every two to three years. New job. New friends. New body. New life.

I can't get to sleep tonight and have taken 45mg of melatonin and 1 sominex. I'm hoping it will knock me out. I'm very anxious about starting over. I don't know where to park. I don't know what time to leave. I need gas in my car. I'm still fat. I don't know what I'm doing.

I hate my personality. I hate being such a b*tch. I don't know when it started...I've been this way (at least partially) since I was a little girl.

Will I ever establish roots and stay in one place?