I finally weigh 140lbs - I've been stuck here for a while. My temper outbursts have caught up with me at work. Today I was berated by my boss who told me that when he hired me he thought I was a good person but now he's not so sure.
I am not a good person...I can barely fit into a size 6.
I accidentally threw away my phentermine last month with all of my Christmas bags. I've been without it since just after Christmas.
Binging and purging has increased significantly. I let myself binge and purge on 4 Hawaiann rolls - my face broke out.
I have worked so hard and I'm still fat, ugly and worthless. I'm lucky to still have a job.
I am not allowed more than 300 calories until after my weigh in on Monday.
I truly wish my suicide attempt had been successful.
Showing posts with label phentermine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label phentermine. Show all posts
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Carbs are the Devil
And I haven't craved them since I started this eating plan... I mean, really, really crave. But yesterday, I got hungry in the afternoon and was at my desk where some Keebler cheese on cheese crackers beckoned me. I hearkened unto their call. They were delicious and hit the spot.
They also f'd up my entire food intake for the day. I've been trying to stay at or under 350 calories and have been doing a fairly decent job...certainly, I have stayed under 500 calories for several weeks now.
Then yesterday happened. Like a serpent with a pomegranate...and I have no room to criticize Eve...I am Eve. Yesterday I had 611 calories. AND to top it off, my aerobics instructor cancelled class so instead I jogged 1 mile (THE ENTIRE TIME). I haven't done that since college. It was only 10 minutes, but it kicked my butt. I can do 2hr aerobics and circuit training workouts, but one 10 minute mile had me feeling like my lungs would collapse. Either way - I still burned 1208 calories yesterday.
Today, however, was ugly. Not only did I eat 1 package of Keebler crackers...I ate TWO. OINK OINK. THEN after my workout I stopped at 7-11 to get gas and decided to go inside and buy small packages of almonds to take to work and munch on when I get hungry. Is that all I got? NO! Why? Because all I could think of while working out were mutha f*ing CARBS! So what did I do about it? Did I resist the devil and his shiny apple? Nope - I bought a 7.5oz bag of Gardetto's Cheddar Chipotle snack mix. Did I just allow myself one 150kcal serving? Hell NO! I ate the entire freaking bag! ALL 750 calories of it!!!! That's more than I ate all day long yesterday! Ugh. I'm so disgusted with myself.
Today's calorie count came in at 1553 calories! Thank God for my 2hr workout - it put me at 1247kcals burned. If not for exercise - I would be downing laxatives right now (I'm still resisting the urge to take them).
In other news, I got "scolded" today for leaving a sarcastic note in a file about a young, twatty little co-worker who acted like a 16yo JV cheerleader who had just been dissed by an 18yo Varsity cheerleader (varsity being me). My new supervisor was cool about it though and basically told me I was right, I just didn't need to actually write out what I did...she said I could make up my own symbols, which I appreciated.
I went to the doctor yesterday and have lost 10lbs in 1 month (I really wish it was 15 or 20, but I'll take 10). I lost 3 inches off my waist (since last month's measuring). My neck stayed the same and my hips went up, which make no sense to me. I think it's just the way I was measured b/c I'm going down in dress sizes. My body fat has gone down from over 40% to 34%. Yeah - I have a long way to go. I'm starting to worry about having loose skin.
As for the mother situation...she's back to being 88% normal.
As for "the crush"...and yes, I know I said I wasn't going to obsess over him any more, but I have no life and nothing else to do, so "the crush" remains in effect. Here's what I don't get... I know that the way a man reacts to you tells you whether he's into you. Lots of attention = way into you. No attention = not into you at all. So, Monday, I got up early and wore a gorgeous new winter white cowl neck sweater. I did my hair in an updo to accentuate my neck. I got a ridiculous amount of compliments (men and women AGAIN).
AND here's how our encounter went... We both met up at the elevators at the same time. Made slight eye contact. I pressed the button and he stepped several feet away from me, but in an awkward way...like he was too uncomfortable to be around me. Then, it was like he was trying specifically to AVOID making eye contact with me. Once we got on the elevator, he moved to the opposite side and started talking to another man.
I'm just saying... It's weird. It's not like a normal - he has no idea and/or interest in me. It's like he's making a concerted effort to avoid me. There can be absolutely no way he knows that I'm into him and trying to get his attention. So, I'm wondering what all this means. Most likely, it means NOTHING and he's just not into me. At all. As usual. FML.
They also f'd up my entire food intake for the day. I've been trying to stay at or under 350 calories and have been doing a fairly decent job...certainly, I have stayed under 500 calories for several weeks now.
Then yesterday happened. Like a serpent with a pomegranate...and I have no room to criticize Eve...I am Eve. Yesterday I had 611 calories. AND to top it off, my aerobics instructor cancelled class so instead I jogged 1 mile (THE ENTIRE TIME). I haven't done that since college. It was only 10 minutes, but it kicked my butt. I can do 2hr aerobics and circuit training workouts, but one 10 minute mile had me feeling like my lungs would collapse. Either way - I still burned 1208 calories yesterday.
Today, however, was ugly. Not only did I eat 1 package of Keebler crackers...I ate TWO. OINK OINK. THEN after my workout I stopped at 7-11 to get gas and decided to go inside and buy small packages of almonds to take to work and munch on when I get hungry. Is that all I got? NO! Why? Because all I could think of while working out were mutha f*ing CARBS! So what did I do about it? Did I resist the devil and his shiny apple? Nope - I bought a 7.5oz bag of Gardetto's Cheddar Chipotle snack mix. Did I just allow myself one 150kcal serving? Hell NO! I ate the entire freaking bag! ALL 750 calories of it!!!! That's more than I ate all day long yesterday! Ugh. I'm so disgusted with myself.
Today's calorie count came in at 1553 calories! Thank God for my 2hr workout - it put me at 1247kcals burned. If not for exercise - I would be downing laxatives right now (I'm still resisting the urge to take them).
In other news, I got "scolded" today for leaving a sarcastic note in a file about a young, twatty little co-worker who acted like a 16yo JV cheerleader who had just been dissed by an 18yo Varsity cheerleader (varsity being me). My new supervisor was cool about it though and basically told me I was right, I just didn't need to actually write out what I did...she said I could make up my own symbols, which I appreciated.
I went to the doctor yesterday and have lost 10lbs in 1 month (I really wish it was 15 or 20, but I'll take 10). I lost 3 inches off my waist (since last month's measuring). My neck stayed the same and my hips went up, which make no sense to me. I think it's just the way I was measured b/c I'm going down in dress sizes. My body fat has gone down from over 40% to 34%. Yeah - I have a long way to go. I'm starting to worry about having loose skin.
As for the mother situation...she's back to being 88% normal.
As for "the crush"...and yes, I know I said I wasn't going to obsess over him any more, but I have no life and nothing else to do, so "the crush" remains in effect. Here's what I don't get... I know that the way a man reacts to you tells you whether he's into you. Lots of attention = way into you. No attention = not into you at all. So, Monday, I got up early and wore a gorgeous new winter white cowl neck sweater. I did my hair in an updo to accentuate my neck. I got a ridiculous amount of compliments (men and women AGAIN).
AND here's how our encounter went... We both met up at the elevators at the same time. Made slight eye contact. I pressed the button and he stepped several feet away from me, but in an awkward way...like he was too uncomfortable to be around me. Then, it was like he was trying specifically to AVOID making eye contact with me. Once we got on the elevator, he moved to the opposite side and started talking to another man.
I'm just saying... It's weird. It's not like a normal - he has no idea and/or interest in me. It's like he's making a concerted effort to avoid me. There can be absolutely no way he knows that I'm into him and trying to get his attention. So, I'm wondering what all this means. Most likely, it means NOTHING and he's just not into me. At all. As usual. FML.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
hunger schmunger
Last week's goals:
I completed four 1hr workouts (Tue, Wed, Fri, Sat)
I didn't make 180 by Monday...came in at 181.2 so I lost 4.6lbs instead of 5.0
I also didn't come in under 600 calories everyday last week:
Mon 9/6: 234
Tue 9/7: 359
Wed 9/8: 536
Thu 9/9: 648 *FAIL*
Fri 9/10: 787 *FAIL*
Sat 9/11: 559
I would give myself a B- for overall performance last week. Not too bad...worked out, restricted. You'd think I would've lost more than 4.6lbs??? I was hoping to lose 20lbs my first month. I'm still shooting for that and I think it's doable if my metabolism will cooperate. I need to remember to take the chromium picolinate in the afternoons with my 2nd dose of phentermine. If I don't make 20, I MUST lose at LEAST 15. That's absolutely doable.
I love the feeling of my stomach shrinking. I love putting on my "almost too tight fat pants" and feeling them being almost too loose to wear. That happened this morning. That feeling is addicting.
I saw a girl that works for a different agency yesterday who was morbidly obese (she was probably 250lbs+). She had lap-band surgery not too long ago and SHE LOOKS FREAKIN' AMAZING. Like a younger sister version of herself. That was really, really motivating. I'd love to run into people I went to school with who could barely recognize me. I want to make people's jaws drop. I want to turn heads. I use to do that. I miss that attention.
Next Week's Goals:
Calories under 600 (I've already gone over that Sunday & Monday, but made up for it today). Need to weigh in at 176 (that would be a 5lb loss this week). I just realized that to make 20lbs in 30 days, I would have to lose 11 lbs by 9/23/10. That's 10lbs in 11 days. At the rate I've been going, I'm not sure that's realistic, but maybe if I kick up the workouts. Workout 6 days.
I completed four 1hr workouts (Tue, Wed, Fri, Sat)
I didn't make 180 by Monday...came in at 181.2 so I lost 4.6lbs instead of 5.0
I also didn't come in under 600 calories everyday last week:
Mon 9/6: 234
Tue 9/7: 359
Wed 9/8: 536
Thu 9/9: 648 *FAIL*
Fri 9/10: 787 *FAIL*
Sat 9/11: 559
I would give myself a B- for overall performance last week. Not too bad...worked out, restricted. You'd think I would've lost more than 4.6lbs??? I was hoping to lose 20lbs my first month. I'm still shooting for that and I think it's doable if my metabolism will cooperate. I need to remember to take the chromium picolinate in the afternoons with my 2nd dose of phentermine. If I don't make 20, I MUST lose at LEAST 15. That's absolutely doable.
I love the feeling of my stomach shrinking. I love putting on my "almost too tight fat pants" and feeling them being almost too loose to wear. That happened this morning. That feeling is addicting.
I saw a girl that works for a different agency yesterday who was morbidly obese (she was probably 250lbs+). She had lap-band surgery not too long ago and SHE LOOKS FREAKIN' AMAZING. Like a younger sister version of herself. That was really, really motivating. I'd love to run into people I went to school with who could barely recognize me. I want to make people's jaws drop. I want to turn heads. I use to do that. I miss that attention.
Next Week's Goals:
Calories under 600 (I've already gone over that Sunday & Monday, but made up for it today). Need to weigh in at 176 (that would be a 5lb loss this week). I just realized that to make 20lbs in 30 days, I would have to lose 11 lbs by 9/23/10. That's 10lbs in 11 days. At the rate I've been going, I'm not sure that's realistic, but maybe if I kick up the workouts. Workout 6 days.
Friday, September 10, 2010
holy mother of hunger
The hunger has been really bad over the past two days. I don't know if the phentermine isn't working anymore, or if I'm just restricting so much when I'm use to eating 2000+ calories a day that it's starting to takes its toll.
Despite the hunger, I've stayed under 1000 calories. Yesterday I came in at 648 calories, but didn't work out. Fatigue has become a significant problem too. I feel like at any time during the day, I could lay down and fall fast asleep.
I'm proud of myself for fighting the fatigue and going to the gym after work tonight. I almost kept driving. I felt great on the elliptical and did 30 minutes. I use to be able to do 1hr. I did a little lower body circuit training too. I started to feel very lonely while I was at the gym. I thought how sad it was that here I am in my mid-thirties, alone on a Friday night at the gym. I tried to change my train of thought, but couldn't. I don't understand why I'm alone. I get that I'm fat, but there are a lot of fat girls who are in relationships...just not me.
My calories came in at 787 tonight. I'm too tired to keep writing.
Despite the hunger, I've stayed under 1000 calories. Yesterday I came in at 648 calories, but didn't work out. Fatigue has become a significant problem too. I feel like at any time during the day, I could lay down and fall fast asleep.
I'm proud of myself for fighting the fatigue and going to the gym after work tonight. I almost kept driving. I felt great on the elliptical and did 30 minutes. I use to be able to do 1hr. I did a little lower body circuit training too. I started to feel very lonely while I was at the gym. I thought how sad it was that here I am in my mid-thirties, alone on a Friday night at the gym. I tried to change my train of thought, but couldn't. I don't understand why I'm alone. I get that I'm fat, but there are a lot of fat girls who are in relationships...just not me.
My calories came in at 787 tonight. I'm too tired to keep writing.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
not too bad
Last Monday was the day before my period. Normally, I cry and feel suicidal. That didn't happen at all...phentermine effect? Because I didn't get ready for a huge work project, I ended up cramming on Monday night and being ready to go on Tuesday. By Tuesday, I started my period, but was too busy at work to notice. I barely ate at all and wasn't hungry either. I didn't lose, however, which is a complete let down, but at least I didn't gain on account of my period. By Friday, my project was complete and I wanted to eat out so badly...I was craving chips and salsa and cheese dip. A co-worker went with me...I had chips, cheese sauce, salsa, & borato (avocado, fried onions, fried jalapenos and fresh tomatoes). We got back to the office and my boss slices a gorgeous bakery-made double layer strawberry cake with cream cheese icing. I had a small slice and immediately felt regret.
Panic started to set in. I had done so well and then went and blew it. I got a plastic food container out of the kitchen and took it back to my office. I locked my door and filled it completely up. I got interrupted and had to stop and take care of an on-call matter. Once it was finished, I went back in my office, locked the door again and threw up until I couldn't anymore. It was so relieving. I've never purged at the office before (that I can remember). I took my trash can liner, wrapped it up and threw it away in the large trash can in the kitchen. I made sure there was enough trash on top that no one would notice.
My friend C. asked me to go to a wine tour on Saturday. I hesitantly agreed...I knew I needed to get out, but I really would've preferred to stay in bed all day (pretty much what I've done today). I mustered up the strength to go and enjoyed myself. I took small sips of wine...in total, I probably had 3/4th of a normal glass of wine. I ordered a salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing and restrained from eating the candied pecans on it. I've allowed myself to eat cheese, but had a hard time resisting the delicious buttered, flavored crackers...I think I had 3.
All in all...I did extremely well for a road trip - never ate any fast food and kept my calories under 900. I took 4 laxatives before going to bed and woke up this morning getting rid of a lot of "junk" that has kept me constipated for the past week.
While we were on our road trip, I struggled over not being the driver and having control. There were so many times I wanted to stop and shoot and C. never said a word. I saw some beautiful tree covered hills...I'd forgot what it was like to take a road trip and be surrounded by beautiful scenery. It's funny how you're able to forget what life feels like when it hurts so badly to live it. I can't say that I truly had fun and appreciated what I saw. I didn't have an epiphany, like, "This is what I've been missing out on...how could I have wasted so much of my life?" I think I'm over that stage. I've wasted most of my life. Now, I'm just trying to figure out how to get by without wishing it would hurry up and be over... And the only way I want to do it, is with a thin body... So I guess before I can let myself get on with living, I'm going to have to starve my ass off literally.
Things with Mom are getting better, but there's still a lot of anger hidden under the softening exterior of our relationship. A lot of what I'm doing is faking being interested in what she has to say. I texted her every time we were headed to another town and felt fucking ridiculous doing it. I'm 3& g-damn years old. The entire drive home I worried that she would act like a hateful bitch because I'd been gone all day and left her with the animals. She was fine when I got home. She's unpredictable. It's hard. I have so much pent up resentment. I really do think the phentermine is helping though - more so with my depression than my weight loss. Am I someone who's missing neurotransmitters and needs a stimulant to feel normal?
I did terribly today and it was partly b/c I didn't keep myself busy. When all I do is sit in bed, watch TV and fool around on the Internet, all I can think of is food. I had photos to edit, but I haven't been able to even upload them to my laptop. I just don't have the drive and interest in photography that I use to have. That makes me sad, because it use to be so challenging and fulfilling.
I'm still at 185. I really, really, really want to lose another 5lbs this coming week. That's going to be my goal. I've got to stay under 600 calories this week and workout at least 4 times.
Panic started to set in. I had done so well and then went and blew it. I got a plastic food container out of the kitchen and took it back to my office. I locked my door and filled it completely up. I got interrupted and had to stop and take care of an on-call matter. Once it was finished, I went back in my office, locked the door again and threw up until I couldn't anymore. It was so relieving. I've never purged at the office before (that I can remember). I took my trash can liner, wrapped it up and threw it away in the large trash can in the kitchen. I made sure there was enough trash on top that no one would notice.
My friend C. asked me to go to a wine tour on Saturday. I hesitantly agreed...I knew I needed to get out, but I really would've preferred to stay in bed all day (pretty much what I've done today). I mustered up the strength to go and enjoyed myself. I took small sips of wine...in total, I probably had 3/4th of a normal glass of wine. I ordered a salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing and restrained from eating the candied pecans on it. I've allowed myself to eat cheese, but had a hard time resisting the delicious buttered, flavored crackers...I think I had 3.
All in all...I did extremely well for a road trip - never ate any fast food and kept my calories under 900. I took 4 laxatives before going to bed and woke up this morning getting rid of a lot of "junk" that has kept me constipated for the past week.
While we were on our road trip, I struggled over not being the driver and having control. There were so many times I wanted to stop and shoot and C. never said a word. I saw some beautiful tree covered hills...I'd forgot what it was like to take a road trip and be surrounded by beautiful scenery. It's funny how you're able to forget what life feels like when it hurts so badly to live it. I can't say that I truly had fun and appreciated what I saw. I didn't have an epiphany, like, "This is what I've been missing out on...how could I have wasted so much of my life?" I think I'm over that stage. I've wasted most of my life. Now, I'm just trying to figure out how to get by without wishing it would hurry up and be over... And the only way I want to do it, is with a thin body... So I guess before I can let myself get on with living, I'm going to have to starve my ass off literally.
Things with Mom are getting better, but there's still a lot of anger hidden under the softening exterior of our relationship. A lot of what I'm doing is faking being interested in what she has to say. I texted her every time we were headed to another town and felt fucking ridiculous doing it. I'm 3& g-damn years old. The entire drive home I worried that she would act like a hateful bitch because I'd been gone all day and left her with the animals. She was fine when I got home. She's unpredictable. It's hard. I have so much pent up resentment. I really do think the phentermine is helping though - more so with my depression than my weight loss. Am I someone who's missing neurotransmitters and needs a stimulant to feel normal?
I did terribly today and it was partly b/c I didn't keep myself busy. When all I do is sit in bed, watch TV and fool around on the Internet, all I can think of is food. I had photos to edit, but I haven't been able to even upload them to my laptop. I just don't have the drive and interest in photography that I use to have. That makes me sad, because it use to be so challenging and fulfilling.
I'm still at 185. I really, really, really want to lose another 5lbs this coming week. That's going to be my goal. I've got to stay under 600 calories this week and workout at least 4 times.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
saturday night success
I did it! I passed up two of my favorite comforts in the whole world - chips & dip and red wine (technically three comforts, but the chips & dip are kind of a paired match). I went to a game night at a friend of a friend's house around 8. I ate before hand at 5 (veggie "chik" pattie, 1/2 avocado & 1C green beans). The chips and dip were out on the table when I got there, along with some Cheez-Its (another favorite). Then two more people arrived with red wine and two party trays with cheese (my staple), veggies and ranch dip. Finally, the last person arrived with Chik-Fil-A (I don't eat meat, but the smell of Chik-Fil-A makes me salivate).
We were there playing games until 12:05am and all I had was water! That's right! Water!!!! H2O!!! Who am I? I even stopped at Taco Bell and ordered my Mom a crispy taco/sub beans for meat and didn't order anything for me.
Phentermine is my new hero (today I took 1/2 around 11am and another 1/2 around 3pm). It's 1:14 in the morning, however, and I'm not the least bit sleepy. I'm hoping journaling my success and then logging in the last of my calories on SparkPeople will calm me down.
Dear God, I love this stuff!!!!
We were there playing games until 12:05am and all I had was water! That's right! Water!!!! H2O!!! Who am I? I even stopped at Taco Bell and ordered my Mom a crispy taco/sub beans for meat and didn't order anything for me.
Phentermine is my new hero (today I took 1/2 around 11am and another 1/2 around 3pm). It's 1:14 in the morning, however, and I'm not the least bit sleepy. I'm hoping journaling my success and then logging in the last of my calories on SparkPeople will calm me down.
Dear God, I love this stuff!!!!
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