what does it take to be happy

Four and a half months after starting my weight loss project, I've finally reached a healthy BMI, I'm at the high end of my normal weight range. I'm wearing a size 8 (haven't done that since 1995. I've got men paying attention to me. I'm receiving compliments and making people gasp when they see how much weight I've lost. I'm making new friends at work and being asked to do things...invited to parties and to dinners and to go places.

And yet...

My relationship with my mother is more strained than it's ever been in the past 10 years. My spending is more out of control than it's been in the past 6 years. My self esteem is lower than it's been in the past 12 years. And my eating disorder is more in control now than it's been in the past 14 years.

I won't give up. I plan on losing at least 20 more pounds. I want to be a size 4-6. I also have loose skin that I'm working on shrinking. I look "okay" in my clothes, but I look more average than anything.

I don't know what to do about my mother. If I had the money - I'd buy us separate houses, condos or a duplex. She doesn't comment on my weight. She doesn't comment on my clothes. She doesn't really talk to me other than to complain about being left with my animals. I'm not what she wanted in a daughter. I'm never going to be. I tried. I tried very hard to believe the way she does. To go to the same church she does. To practice the same faith she does. But it's not me. It's never going to be me and I feel resentful that I've wasted the past 10+ years trying to mold myself into what I perceive as who she wants me to be rather than finding out who I really am and what I really believe.

I'm tired of trying with her and just wish she had a means of providing for herself.

I'm just tired and ready to be happy.

Silent Treatmented

I am thinner than I have been in 4 years. I'm able to wear the suits I bought when I first moved here to go to school. Last night I put on the suit I wore to my father's funeral. I have to admit - (FOR ME) - I look great. One of my girlfriends told me her husband said I look hot. My female friends tell me all the time that I look skinny. A man (albeit a sleezeball) paid special attention to me on Thursday when I wore a red little sweater and told me how nice I looked. I'm in 10's! Finally! I'm thinking about taking back the size 12 suits I bought on sale last month b/c they are 12's and almost too big.

I'm able to do 2hr workouts twice a week, on top of my other 1hr workouts (totally a minimum of 6hr workouts/week).

I feel good about myself, although I'm still self critical and know I have a ways to go. BUT, at least I feel GOOD about myself.

Friday night I met up with coworker/friends at a bar and let loose for the first time in probably 5 or 6 years. I had three merlots and 2 lemon drop shots. I wasn't sloppy drunk, but I was happy drunk. So happy drunk that my friends took away my keys and drove me home. I KNEW how pissed my Mom would be. And have been paying for it ever since.

I got up early the next morning to go get my car and she wouldn't talk to me. In fact, when I tried to ask her if she wanted me to leave my dog out or put her up she said, "I don't even want to talk to you right now." She had that same judgmental-you're-not-the-daughter-I-wanted tone in her voice like she did when I was in my twenties.

She hasn't really spoken to me since. I feel like I'm in a loveless marriage and waiting for her to ask for a divorce.

Part of me feels abandoned. Part of me feels rejected. Part of me feels judged. And part of me wants to tell her to f*ck the h*ll off and let me live my g*ddamned life. Seriously! I'm sick and tired of her projecting her manic f*cking depression onto me. I'm not a charismatic christian. I don't want to end up like her...alone, believing I'm all alone b/c it's God's will and one day He'll spontaneously make me a millionaire. She doesn't work. She has "fibromyalsia" which I call b*llsh*t on and uses it as an excuse not to work. She has fantasies about prophecy and the 2nd coming and in the end...she's just like her mother. Alone and resented.

I don't want to end up alone and resented. I don't want to become her. I want her to let me go, but I feel so much guilt about that, that I don't think I will ever sever whatever tie she has to me.

FML FML FML FML

I can't win for losing. I also think she's jealous of the weight I've lost b/c she's not losing that much anymore (probably has something to do with the fact she makes every f*cking excuse in the book to not exercise).

I hate her. I love her. I want to be rid of her. I need her. I'm tired of being judged by her and shunned with her disapproval for not living my life the way SHE wants me to. It's not fair.

I wish I would just meet the man of my dreams who could afford to help me support her and let her live in my house so I could move on. She, of course, wouldn't approve of him b/c he won't be a televangelist or mega-church pastor and that would probably end our relationship forever. I'm afraid for her and how her life will end. I hate that, that is my solution...I wish I could afford alone, to let her live by herself...but that's not realistic with my job and salary. It's the only way out that I see.

And I don't know if that will ever truly happen anyway...

The crush situation...I wore the previously mentioned "red sweater" for him last Thursday. I couldn't tell if he "notice-noticed" me, or if he just looked in my general direction. I can tell you that I made him notice me by hanging around a coworker-friend all afternoon that he had to deal with until he approached her and made eye contact with me. To be perfectly honest...I don't think I turn his head, which makes me feel rejected.

Another friend called me this afternoon to tell me that a man she knows was coming by to meet me/check me out. He's early 40's, 2 kids, not interested in marrying until they're grown (no idea their ages). He did come by. He was attractive and nice. I don't think he was interested either though. I doubt I'll hear anything back. Probably not a good idea to "date" someone who works for the same organization I do anyway. (I tell myself these things to lessen how rejected I feel).

I don't understand what is wrong with me. I know that I'm not really pretty, but I'm not ugly either. I have friends who are much less attractive and have / had no problem. It's like there's almost a supernatural force that binds men from wanting to be with me. Maybe I'm using that as an excuse for my lack of desireability.

I'm tired of thinking about it. My Mom just opened my door without asking or knocking to let my cat in. That was an F-U to me...She never opens my door without asking fist. Fuck her. I fucking hate her.

Becoming thin isn't making me happy internally - it's just an external distraction that gives me something to focus on that I can change. My life...my situation...I'm not sure it will ever change.

If I were perfectly honest, I'd admit to what I think will end up happening to me. I think within the next five years or so I will be diagnosed with cancer and it will take my life. My Mom will help take care of me. Friends will come by and visit. But I won't have anything to look forward too, so it will just be an out for me. I can't say I'm not looking forward to it in a weird way either. My Mom will be taken care of with my life insurance (yes, I have a life insurance policy to make sure she will be financially okay). I worry that it's not enough and she'll blow through it. But I'll be gone and that's all I really want anyway...hopefully, I won't be able to know how things turn out for her.

God, what a fucked up blog entry. When do you think she'll start talking to me again?

when did i become such a b*tch

Today was my last day at work. I have a love/hate relationship with leaving. I need it and I hate it. My defenses were up. My period had its fangs out. A co-worker decided that I would choose where to have lunch instead of an office luncheon. This hurt the secretaries feelings b/c they luvs them sum luncheons and they wouldn't be able to leave all at once to go.

A distribution email went out and I was asked to choose the restaurant. I did and said we'd need to get a headcount for reservations. Four mother f*ckers responded...one of whom said they weren't sure if they could make it. Feelings, meet dagger...Dagger, lacerate feelings.

This morning, the same person sent out an email to everyone asking if anyone made reservations. It PISSED ME OFF. Someone please explain why this is so difficult? Why am I so goddamn unimportant that they can't plan one f*cking reservation for lunch?

That's when my blood started boiling. I could feel my face getting hot. The filter section of my brain was temporarily suspended and the b*tch took over. I did what I almost always regret doing... I hit REPLY ALL and I said what I was thinking...

"Of course not (referring to whether reservations had been made) and only four people responded. I have a huge schedule this morning so let's not even worry about it."

Slightly passive, mostly aggressive much?

I ended up not getting done with my work until 12:30 and everyone took the hint and had been waiting on me for about an hour or so. I only spent about 20-25 minutes at my lunch (which I didn't want in the first place). One person bought my lunch. There was a card with nice things that were said (mostly about my sense of humor). I went back to the office and tied up loose ends. I packed up my sh*t and got the hell out of there.

I didn't even tell my boss goodbye. When I end things, I end things. I said I'd be back and wouldn't stay away, but that's a lie. I start over about every two to three years. New job. New friends. New body. New life.

I can't get to sleep tonight and have taken 45mg of melatonin and 1 sominex. I'm hoping it will knock me out. I'm very anxious about starting over. I don't know where to park. I don't know what time to leave. I need gas in my car. I'm still fat. I don't know what I'm doing.

I hate my personality. I hate being such a b*tch. I don't know when it started...I've been this way (at least partially) since I was a little girl.

Will I ever establish roots and stay in one place?