PMpSychotic

I feel like I'm slipping and losing it. I had dinner and drinks with girlfriends on Friday night and ate like a f*cking pig (worse than ever before). I also lied about my past. I don't know why - probably b/c if I told the truth - that I'm a depressive with an ED...well, that would just be too pathetic and honest...I needed something sexier, so I created it. I'm good at that. I do it all the time. No one knows me. I don't think anyone ever will.

Still PMS'ing. Anger and resentment builds and focuses its attention on my mother. Blame. Blame. Blame. It's all her fault I'm in my mid-thirties and have no children, no husband, no privacy. It's all her fault for being so selfish and not letting me leave her and start my own life. All her - not me...her.

I saw "the crush" on Friday. He looked right through me, of course. Who am I kidding? I'm not that attractive to men. Women will tell me I'm cute or pretty. Men don't. Accept it and move on. Stop allowing your heart to be wrung out like a dirty rag.

My weight is up four pounds and I want to die. I wish my period would just start already.

I have a project due at work tomorrow and I'm hoping to get an extention b/c it's not ready. I'm anxious about it and unable to sleep. Why do I do this? Normally, I would've worked late during the week to get it done, but I HAVE to workout. I was too lazy to work on it this weekend. I could half-@ss it, but I don't want to. I want to do it right. I can't even pray and ask God to work it out for me b/c I feel so distant from Him that any prayer asking for menial help seems trite.

My mind is racing...it's Sunday night...it always races on Sunday night. Tonight seems worse than usual.

I bought more Bronkaid yesterday. On Saturday, I took 13 laxatives (5 in am and 6 in pm). It made me feel "cleaned out" but it didn't make my weight go down...

I hate my life right now. I hate it.

meltdown

I had one tonight - a meltdown, that is. I went away last weekend and blew my diet on Friday (at 1675 calories...the most ever). Saturday, I managed to stay under 1000 calories and I was back on track Sunday. I went 3 days without working out and with the increased calories, I managed to gain 3lbs (I was down to 159.8 on Thursday 10/21. The trip was terrible and the weather completely ruined my plans...typical.

I purged for the first time in a long time (probably 4 weeks or so) in the hotel room. My friend and I shared a room and I snuck the ice bucket into the bathroom and pretended to take a bath while I did it.

I'm starting to feel more and more overwhelmed at work. I need to stay late and get on top of things, but that would mean I miss my aerobics class, which would mean I would stop losing, which would mean I would stay fat, which would mean I might as well curl up and die.

Tonight, I really wanted to stay, but I also really needed the workout. The instructor didn't show last night and I only got in about 30 minutes of low impact cardio. Well, tonight, a different instructor didn't show and I felt sheer anger swell up inside my veins. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I wanted to go off on the manager. I wasn't kind - they knew I was pissed, but I held it in and left.

Great. Now I haven't had a serious workout in 5 days! So, I went shopping instead. I've spent money that I don't need to be spending on a new wardrobe. I've skimped on some things and splurged on others. Right now, 14's are a little big on me and 12's are a little snug. I have a lot of clothes that I can't wear and it's frustrating in my new work environment where I'm surrounded by thin, pretty, professional women who have husbands and fiance's to support them so they can spend til their hearts are content on pretty clothes.

I found several new pieces tonight, including a cowl-neck dress that I feel gorgeous in. However, at the same time, I'm having to remind myself that I'm still a fat@ss and the guy I can't stop thinking about & crushing over has no idea I exist. He doesn't even know my name. We've made eye contact. I've seen him look at me. He's said "hi" to me, but I also know that I cannot gauge the difference between regular attention men give to women and "I'm-attracted-to-you-attention". I have absolutely no idea how to tell the difference and I've read men wrong all my life, so why would I get it correct now?

God, this blog is so self-serving and whiny. I broke down in tears twice tonight. I think I'm about to start my period. I'm a mess and I f*cking hate hormones. I hope I am about to start my period - at least that would explain the 3lb gain and inability to lose it.

FML. Really.

when did i become such a b*tch

Today was my last day at work. I have a love/hate relationship with leaving. I need it and I hate it. My defenses were up. My period had its fangs out. A co-worker decided that I would choose where to have lunch instead of an office luncheon. This hurt the secretaries feelings b/c they luvs them sum luncheons and they wouldn't be able to leave all at once to go.

A distribution email went out and I was asked to choose the restaurant. I did and said we'd need to get a headcount for reservations. Four mother f*ckers responded...one of whom said they weren't sure if they could make it. Feelings, meet dagger...Dagger, lacerate feelings.

This morning, the same person sent out an email to everyone asking if anyone made reservations. It PISSED ME OFF. Someone please explain why this is so difficult? Why am I so goddamn unimportant that they can't plan one f*cking reservation for lunch?

That's when my blood started boiling. I could feel my face getting hot. The filter section of my brain was temporarily suspended and the b*tch took over. I did what I almost always regret doing... I hit REPLY ALL and I said what I was thinking...

"Of course not (referring to whether reservations had been made) and only four people responded. I have a huge schedule this morning so let's not even worry about it."

Slightly passive, mostly aggressive much?

I ended up not getting done with my work until 12:30 and everyone took the hint and had been waiting on me for about an hour or so. I only spent about 20-25 minutes at my lunch (which I didn't want in the first place). One person bought my lunch. There was a card with nice things that were said (mostly about my sense of humor). I went back to the office and tied up loose ends. I packed up my sh*t and got the hell out of there.

I didn't even tell my boss goodbye. When I end things, I end things. I said I'd be back and wouldn't stay away, but that's a lie. I start over about every two to three years. New job. New friends. New body. New life.

I can't get to sleep tonight and have taken 45mg of melatonin and 1 sominex. I'm hoping it will knock me out. I'm very anxious about starting over. I don't know where to park. I don't know what time to leave. I need gas in my car. I'm still fat. I don't know what I'm doing.

I hate my personality. I hate being such a b*tch. I don't know when it started...I've been this way (at least partially) since I was a little girl.

Will I ever establish roots and stay in one place?

the day before normal

This is my typical weekend pattern:
Friday night: margaritas and Mexican food with one of two friends or go home and eat dinner with Mom and watch TV...go to bed around midnight.

Saturday: sleep in, wake up around 9:30, eat unhealthy breakfast, surf the internet for hours and hours and hours in bed. 5pm get out of bed and get drive-thru. Go back to bed and/or watch television or a movie in the living room. Go to sleep around midnight if I don't water the garden.

Sunday: repeat Saturday, except at 5pm, start freaking out b/c I haven't done laundry, haven't cleaned house, haven't changed the litter box, haven't accomplished anything...work up the motivation to clean and do laundry around 6 or 7pm. End up in bed around midnight.

On three day weekends, just add another Saturday. Occasionally I work up the energy to go to the grocery store on Sunday. I never have a list and get there and have an anxiety attack b/c I can't plan out what I need for the week.

Monday morning, I turn into a functional human being...but only when I walk through my office door.

I have a meeting with my insurance adjuster in the morning. I don't have to be at work until 1:15. I didn't do all of my laundry and didn't clean at all. I should have time to get some things done in the morning.

I wanted to start working out after work tomorrow. Sabotage.

I had plans to go to lunch with a friend on Sunday. I ignored her text and missed it. I texted her tonight and lied about having a crazy weekend that caused me to forget. I apologized. I haven't done this to her before (at least not that I remember). This is one of the ways I lose friends. I couldn't deal with it on Sunday. I couldn't deal with much of anything this week or weekend.

I'm PMS'ing right now. My emotions exacerbate significantly. In a day or so, I'll be less dramatic and more reasonable (fingers crossed). I'll probably read this and my previous post next week and cringe. Oh well - I promised to be honest. This is me and all my ridiculous honesty.

Tomorrow:
- strip/wash sheets
- finish laundry
- change/clean litter box
- scrub bathroom
- dust entire house
- vacuum entire house
- take out trash
- pack gym bag
- buy scales
- buy fruit & veggies

ambitious. we'll see.