not a nice person

I finally weigh 140lbs - I've been stuck here for a while. My temper outbursts have caught up with me at work. Today I was berated by my boss who told me that when he hired me he thought I was a good person but now he's not so sure.

I am not a good person...I can barely fit into a size 6.

I accidentally threw away my phentermine last month with all of my Christmas bags. I've been without it since just after Christmas.

Binging and purging has increased significantly. I let myself binge and purge on 4 Hawaiann rolls - my face broke out.

I have worked so hard and I'm still fat, ugly and worthless. I'm lucky to still have a job.

I am not allowed more than 300 calories until after my weigh in on Monday.

I truly wish my suicide attempt had been successful.

what does it take to be happy

Four and a half months after starting my weight loss project, I've finally reached a healthy BMI, I'm at the high end of my normal weight range. I'm wearing a size 8 (haven't done that since 1995. I've got men paying attention to me. I'm receiving compliments and making people gasp when they see how much weight I've lost. I'm making new friends at work and being asked to do things...invited to parties and to dinners and to go places.

And yet...

My relationship with my mother is more strained than it's ever been in the past 10 years. My spending is more out of control than it's been in the past 6 years. My self esteem is lower than it's been in the past 12 years. And my eating disorder is more in control now than it's been in the past 14 years.

I won't give up. I plan on losing at least 20 more pounds. I want to be a size 4-6. I also have loose skin that I'm working on shrinking. I look "okay" in my clothes, but I look more average than anything.

I don't know what to do about my mother. If I had the money - I'd buy us separate houses, condos or a duplex. She doesn't comment on my weight. She doesn't comment on my clothes. She doesn't really talk to me other than to complain about being left with my animals. I'm not what she wanted in a daughter. I'm never going to be. I tried. I tried very hard to believe the way she does. To go to the same church she does. To practice the same faith she does. But it's not me. It's never going to be me and I feel resentful that I've wasted the past 10+ years trying to mold myself into what I perceive as who she wants me to be rather than finding out who I really am and what I really believe.

I'm tired of trying with her and just wish she had a means of providing for herself.

I'm just tired and ready to be happy.