Carbs are the Devil

And I haven't craved them since I started this eating plan... I mean, really, really crave. But yesterday, I got hungry in the afternoon and was at my desk where some Keebler cheese on cheese crackers beckoned me. I hearkened unto their call. They were delicious and hit the spot.

They also f'd up my entire food intake for the day. I've been trying to stay at or under 350 calories and have been doing a fairly decent job...certainly, I have stayed under 500 calories for several weeks now.

Then yesterday happened. Like a serpent with a pomegranate...and I have no room to criticize Eve...I am Eve. Yesterday I had 611 calories. AND to top it off, my aerobics instructor cancelled class so instead I jogged 1 mile (THE ENTIRE TIME). I haven't done that since college. It was only 10 minutes, but it kicked my butt. I can do 2hr aerobics and circuit training workouts, but one 10 minute mile had me feeling like my lungs would collapse. Either way - I still burned 1208 calories yesterday.

Today, however, was ugly. Not only did I eat 1 package of Keebler crackers...I ate TWO. OINK OINK. THEN after my workout I stopped at 7-11 to get gas and decided to go inside and buy small packages of almonds to take to work and munch on when I get hungry. Is that all I got? NO! Why? Because all I could think of while working out were mutha f*ing CARBS! So what did I do about it? Did I resist the devil and his shiny apple? Nope - I bought a 7.5oz bag of Gardetto's Cheddar Chipotle snack mix. Did I just allow myself one 150kcal serving? Hell NO! I ate the entire freaking bag! ALL 750 calories of it!!!! That's more than I ate all day long yesterday! Ugh. I'm so disgusted with myself.

Today's calorie count came in at 1553 calories! Thank God for my 2hr workout - it put me at 1247kcals burned. If not for exercise - I would be downing laxatives right now (I'm still resisting the urge to take them).

In other news, I got "scolded" today for leaving a sarcastic note in a file about a young, twatty little co-worker who acted like a 16yo JV cheerleader who had just been dissed by an 18yo Varsity cheerleader (varsity being me). My new supervisor was cool about it though and basically told me I was right, I just didn't need to actually write out what I did...she said I could make up my own symbols, which I appreciated.

I went to the doctor yesterday and have lost 10lbs in 1 month (I really wish it was 15 or 20, but I'll take 10). I lost 3 inches off my waist (since last month's measuring). My neck stayed the same and my hips went up, which make no sense to me. I think it's just the way I was measured b/c I'm going down in dress sizes. My body fat has gone down from over 40% to 34%. Yeah - I have a long way to go. I'm starting to worry about having loose skin.

As for the mother situation...she's back to being 88% normal.

As for "the crush"...and yes, I know I said I wasn't going to obsess over him any more, but I have no life and nothing else to do, so "the crush" remains in effect. Here's what I don't get... I know that the way a man reacts to you tells you whether he's into you. Lots of attention = way into you. No attention = not into you at all. So, Monday, I got up early and wore a gorgeous new winter white cowl neck sweater. I did my hair in an updo to accentuate my neck. I got a ridiculous amount of compliments (men and women AGAIN).

AND here's how our encounter went... We both met up at the elevators at the same time. Made slight eye contact. I pressed the button and he stepped several feet away from me, but in an awkward way...like he was too uncomfortable to be around me. Then, it was like he was trying specifically to AVOID making eye contact with me. Once we got on the elevator, he moved to the opposite side and started talking to another man.

I'm just saying... It's weird. It's not like a normal - he has no idea and/or interest in me. It's like he's making a concerted effort to avoid me. There can be absolutely no way he knows that I'm into him and trying to get his attention. So, I'm wondering what all this means. Most likely, it means NOTHING and he's just not into me. At all. As usual. FML.

hunger schmunger

Last week's goals:
I completed four 1hr workouts (Tue, Wed, Fri, Sat)
I didn't make 180 by Monday...came in at 181.2 so I lost 4.6lbs instead of 5.0
I also didn't come in under 600 calories everyday last week:
Mon 9/6: 234
Tue 9/7: 359
Wed 9/8: 536
Thu 9/9: 648 *FAIL*
Fri 9/10: 787 *FAIL*
Sat 9/11: 559

I would give myself a B- for overall performance last week. Not too bad...worked out, restricted. You'd think I would've lost more than 4.6lbs??? I was hoping to lose 20lbs my first month. I'm still shooting for that and I think it's doable if my metabolism will cooperate. I need to remember to take the chromium picolinate in the afternoons with my 2nd dose of phentermine. If I don't make 20, I MUST lose at LEAST 15. That's absolutely doable.

I love the feeling of my stomach shrinking. I love putting on my "almost too tight fat pants" and feeling them being almost too loose to wear. That happened this morning. That feeling is addicting.

I saw a girl that works for a different agency yesterday who was morbidly obese (she was probably 250lbs+). She had lap-band surgery not too long ago and SHE LOOKS FREAKIN' AMAZING. Like a younger sister version of herself. That was really, really motivating. I'd love to run into people I went to school with who could barely recognize me. I want to make people's jaws drop. I want to turn heads. I use to do that. I miss that attention.

Next Week's Goals:
Calories under 600 (I've already gone over that Sunday & Monday, but made up for it today). Need to weigh in at 176 (that would be a 5lb loss this week). I just realized that to make 20lbs in 30 days, I would have to lose 11 lbs by 9/23/10. That's 10lbs in 11 days. At the rate I've been going, I'm not sure that's realistic, but maybe if I kick up the workouts. Workout 6 days.

labor day

Good day. Went shopping with Mom for the first time in a year. Felt judged at times - I feel a heaviness weigh down on my chest when this happens. We put together a Christmas wreath at Hobby Lobby toward the end of the day and it felt nice...very motherly-daughterly. Wish it could feel that way all of the time.

My denim carpi's were loose and I had to keep pulling them up - AWESOMENESS! For breakfast I had a Veggie Sausage Pattie and some watermelon. While we were out shopping, we stopped at Sonic. Mom got a large order of fries. I got a diet limeade and that was it for the day! (didn't drink enough water though). Total calories for today: 234. My stomach feels so amazing empty - it feels flat. I love that feeling. I can get addicted to that feeling.

Tomorrow it's back to the gym.