meltdown

I had one tonight - a meltdown, that is. I went away last weekend and blew my diet on Friday (at 1675 calories...the most ever). Saturday, I managed to stay under 1000 calories and I was back on track Sunday. I went 3 days without working out and with the increased calories, I managed to gain 3lbs (I was down to 159.8 on Thursday 10/21. The trip was terrible and the weather completely ruined my plans...typical.

I purged for the first time in a long time (probably 4 weeks or so) in the hotel room. My friend and I shared a room and I snuck the ice bucket into the bathroom and pretended to take a bath while I did it.

I'm starting to feel more and more overwhelmed at work. I need to stay late and get on top of things, but that would mean I miss my aerobics class, which would mean I would stop losing, which would mean I would stay fat, which would mean I might as well curl up and die.

Tonight, I really wanted to stay, but I also really needed the workout. The instructor didn't show last night and I only got in about 30 minutes of low impact cardio. Well, tonight, a different instructor didn't show and I felt sheer anger swell up inside my veins. I wanted to throw a tantrum. I wanted to go off on the manager. I wasn't kind - they knew I was pissed, but I held it in and left.

Great. Now I haven't had a serious workout in 5 days! So, I went shopping instead. I've spent money that I don't need to be spending on a new wardrobe. I've skimped on some things and splurged on others. Right now, 14's are a little big on me and 12's are a little snug. I have a lot of clothes that I can't wear and it's frustrating in my new work environment where I'm surrounded by thin, pretty, professional women who have husbands and fiance's to support them so they can spend til their hearts are content on pretty clothes.

I found several new pieces tonight, including a cowl-neck dress that I feel gorgeous in. However, at the same time, I'm having to remind myself that I'm still a fat@ss and the guy I can't stop thinking about & crushing over has no idea I exist. He doesn't even know my name. We've made eye contact. I've seen him look at me. He's said "hi" to me, but I also know that I cannot gauge the difference between regular attention men give to women and "I'm-attracted-to-you-attention". I have absolutely no idea how to tell the difference and I've read men wrong all my life, so why would I get it correct now?

God, this blog is so self-serving and whiny. I broke down in tears twice tonight. I think I'm about to start my period. I'm a mess and I f*cking hate hormones. I hope I am about to start my period - at least that would explain the 3lb gain and inability to lose it.

FML. Really.

hunger schmunger

Last week's goals:
I completed four 1hr workouts (Tue, Wed, Fri, Sat)
I didn't make 180 by Monday...came in at 181.2 so I lost 4.6lbs instead of 5.0
I also didn't come in under 600 calories everyday last week:
Mon 9/6: 234
Tue 9/7: 359
Wed 9/8: 536
Thu 9/9: 648 *FAIL*
Fri 9/10: 787 *FAIL*
Sat 9/11: 559

I would give myself a B- for overall performance last week. Not too bad...worked out, restricted. You'd think I would've lost more than 4.6lbs??? I was hoping to lose 20lbs my first month. I'm still shooting for that and I think it's doable if my metabolism will cooperate. I need to remember to take the chromium picolinate in the afternoons with my 2nd dose of phentermine. If I don't make 20, I MUST lose at LEAST 15. That's absolutely doable.

I love the feeling of my stomach shrinking. I love putting on my "almost too tight fat pants" and feeling them being almost too loose to wear. That happened this morning. That feeling is addicting.

I saw a girl that works for a different agency yesterday who was morbidly obese (she was probably 250lbs+). She had lap-band surgery not too long ago and SHE LOOKS FREAKIN' AMAZING. Like a younger sister version of herself. That was really, really motivating. I'd love to run into people I went to school with who could barely recognize me. I want to make people's jaws drop. I want to turn heads. I use to do that. I miss that attention.

Next Week's Goals:
Calories under 600 (I've already gone over that Sunday & Monday, but made up for it today). Need to weigh in at 176 (that would be a 5lb loss this week). I just realized that to make 20lbs in 30 days, I would have to lose 11 lbs by 9/23/10. That's 10lbs in 11 days. At the rate I've been going, I'm not sure that's realistic, but maybe if I kick up the workouts. Workout 6 days.

office luncheon spanked

The office luncheon came and went and never even tempted me. I allowed myself 5 almonds and passed up everything else, including the pasta salad that would be easy to "write off" as healthy even though I know I'm cutting out white flour right now.

There was some sort of cheese dish - never made me flinch. I had 1/2 of a grapefruit, 1/2 cucumber, 1 Roma tomato & 1/2 tbsp balsamic vinegar with water. Boom! Dear Office Luncheon...Suck it! Love, Maggie!

Now, tomorrow, meeting A & C at a salad/wrap restaurant. Not sure how I'll handle that. I'm thinking about making my own salad and asking for balsamic vinegar as dressing only...or maybe a fruit plate? Not sure.

The sky was gray and it rained all day. My energy was zapped, particularly when my dog woke me up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I pushed through the fatigue and worked out at the gym tonight.

I also saw 183 on the scale this morning AND tonight. 182...I need 182 to show up tomorrow! If I could be at 180 by Monday, I'd be THRILLED. I'm really hungry right now, but I don't care. I love seeing the pounds drop like they did when I was in my early 20's.

saturday night success

I did it! I passed up two of my favorite comforts in the whole world - chips & dip and red wine (technically three comforts, but the chips & dip are kind of a paired match). I went to a game night at a friend of a friend's house around 8. I ate before hand at 5 (veggie "chik" pattie, 1/2 avocado & 1C green beans). The chips and dip were out on the table when I got there, along with some Cheez-Its (another favorite). Then two more people arrived with red wine and two party trays with cheese (my staple), veggies and ranch dip. Finally, the last person arrived with Chik-Fil-A (I don't eat meat, but the smell of Chik-Fil-A makes me salivate).

We were there playing games until 12:05am and all I had was water! That's right! Water!!!! H2O!!! Who am I? I even stopped at Taco Bell and ordered my Mom a crispy taco/sub beans for meat and didn't order anything for me.

Phentermine is my new hero (today I took 1/2 around 11am and another 1/2 around 3pm). It's 1:14 in the morning, however, and I'm not the least bit sleepy. I'm hoping journaling my success and then logging in the last of my calories on SparkPeople will calm me down.

Dear God, I love this stuff!!!!