Silent Treatmented

I am thinner than I have been in 4 years. I'm able to wear the suits I bought when I first moved here to go to school. Last night I put on the suit I wore to my father's funeral. I have to admit - (FOR ME) - I look great. One of my girlfriends told me her husband said I look hot. My female friends tell me all the time that I look skinny. A man (albeit a sleezeball) paid special attention to me on Thursday when I wore a red little sweater and told me how nice I looked. I'm in 10's! Finally! I'm thinking about taking back the size 12 suits I bought on sale last month b/c they are 12's and almost too big.

I'm able to do 2hr workouts twice a week, on top of my other 1hr workouts (totally a minimum of 6hr workouts/week).

I feel good about myself, although I'm still self critical and know I have a ways to go. BUT, at least I feel GOOD about myself.

Friday night I met up with coworker/friends at a bar and let loose for the first time in probably 5 or 6 years. I had three merlots and 2 lemon drop shots. I wasn't sloppy drunk, but I was happy drunk. So happy drunk that my friends took away my keys and drove me home. I KNEW how pissed my Mom would be. And have been paying for it ever since.

I got up early the next morning to go get my car and she wouldn't talk to me. In fact, when I tried to ask her if she wanted me to leave my dog out or put her up she said, "I don't even want to talk to you right now." She had that same judgmental-you're-not-the-daughter-I-wanted tone in her voice like she did when I was in my twenties.

She hasn't really spoken to me since. I feel like I'm in a loveless marriage and waiting for her to ask for a divorce.

Part of me feels abandoned. Part of me feels rejected. Part of me feels judged. And part of me wants to tell her to f*ck the h*ll off and let me live my g*ddamned life. Seriously! I'm sick and tired of her projecting her manic f*cking depression onto me. I'm not a charismatic christian. I don't want to end up like her...alone, believing I'm all alone b/c it's God's will and one day He'll spontaneously make me a millionaire. She doesn't work. She has "fibromyalsia" which I call b*llsh*t on and uses it as an excuse not to work. She has fantasies about prophecy and the 2nd coming and in the end...she's just like her mother. Alone and resented.

I don't want to end up alone and resented. I don't want to become her. I want her to let me go, but I feel so much guilt about that, that I don't think I will ever sever whatever tie she has to me.

FML FML FML FML

I can't win for losing. I also think she's jealous of the weight I've lost b/c she's not losing that much anymore (probably has something to do with the fact she makes every f*cking excuse in the book to not exercise).

I hate her. I love her. I want to be rid of her. I need her. I'm tired of being judged by her and shunned with her disapproval for not living my life the way SHE wants me to. It's not fair.

I wish I would just meet the man of my dreams who could afford to help me support her and let her live in my house so I could move on. She, of course, wouldn't approve of him b/c he won't be a televangelist or mega-church pastor and that would probably end our relationship forever. I'm afraid for her and how her life will end. I hate that, that is my solution...I wish I could afford alone, to let her live by herself...but that's not realistic with my job and salary. It's the only way out that I see.

And I don't know if that will ever truly happen anyway...

The crush situation...I wore the previously mentioned "red sweater" for him last Thursday. I couldn't tell if he "notice-noticed" me, or if he just looked in my general direction. I can tell you that I made him notice me by hanging around a coworker-friend all afternoon that he had to deal with until he approached her and made eye contact with me. To be perfectly honest...I don't think I turn his head, which makes me feel rejected.

Another friend called me this afternoon to tell me that a man she knows was coming by to meet me/check me out. He's early 40's, 2 kids, not interested in marrying until they're grown (no idea their ages). He did come by. He was attractive and nice. I don't think he was interested either though. I doubt I'll hear anything back. Probably not a good idea to "date" someone who works for the same organization I do anyway. (I tell myself these things to lessen how rejected I feel).

I don't understand what is wrong with me. I know that I'm not really pretty, but I'm not ugly either. I have friends who are much less attractive and have / had no problem. It's like there's almost a supernatural force that binds men from wanting to be with me. Maybe I'm using that as an excuse for my lack of desireability.

I'm tired of thinking about it. My Mom just opened my door without asking or knocking to let my cat in. That was an F-U to me...She never opens my door without asking fist. Fuck her. I fucking hate her.

Becoming thin isn't making me happy internally - it's just an external distraction that gives me something to focus on that I can change. My life...my situation...I'm not sure it will ever change.

If I were perfectly honest, I'd admit to what I think will end up happening to me. I think within the next five years or so I will be diagnosed with cancer and it will take my life. My Mom will help take care of me. Friends will come by and visit. But I won't have anything to look forward too, so it will just be an out for me. I can't say I'm not looking forward to it in a weird way either. My Mom will be taken care of with my life insurance (yes, I have a life insurance policy to make sure she will be financially okay). I worry that it's not enough and she'll blow through it. But I'll be gone and that's all I really want anyway...hopefully, I won't be able to know how things turn out for her.

God, what a fucked up blog entry. When do you think she'll start talking to me again?

can't touch this

Resisted another office luncheon today. Yes, we just had one LAST F*CKING WEEK, but apparently I'm the only person in my office who doesn't enjoy taking time after work to purchase unhealthy food that will feed an army to watch 12-15 glutenous, mannerless people gorge themselves.

I did say I would bring guacamole, but had a killer workout last night and didn't feel like going to the store...nor did I feel like waking up early to do it.

On my lunch hour, I bought ME (how selfish is that) 1 large avocado and a quart of strawberries to serve with the cake. I ate the avocado (should've only had 1/2 but ate the whole thing) with a tomato...I didn't even eat a strawberry.

My calories came in at 601 (1 lb over) and I went to the gym and did 1hr cardio even though I'd been on my feet ALL DAY LONG and got gym-ditched by my workout buddy.

My boss approached me today and told me I could move downtown now if I wanted too. Panic struck in. I had planned on losing 20lbs before I did that. Not that 172lbs is going to be that different than 192lbs, BUT it does make a difference clothing-wise. I was going to buy some new clothes in a size 14 before I moved. I think I will ask to stay through the end of the month. I'm not sure I'll be in 14's then, but a girl can dream.

I need to write about the table manners exibited by my co-workers one day. I've never been around a large group of people who collectively eat LITERALLY like pigs. I can't wait to get away from that.

Oh - and I weighed in at 180.8 this morning! Pah-leeze God let me hit 179 tomorrow!!!! Oh, to be out of the 180's.

the day before normal

This is my typical weekend pattern:
Friday night: margaritas and Mexican food with one of two friends or go home and eat dinner with Mom and watch TV...go to bed around midnight.

Saturday: sleep in, wake up around 9:30, eat unhealthy breakfast, surf the internet for hours and hours and hours in bed. 5pm get out of bed and get drive-thru. Go back to bed and/or watch television or a movie in the living room. Go to sleep around midnight if I don't water the garden.

Sunday: repeat Saturday, except at 5pm, start freaking out b/c I haven't done laundry, haven't cleaned house, haven't changed the litter box, haven't accomplished anything...work up the motivation to clean and do laundry around 6 or 7pm. End up in bed around midnight.

On three day weekends, just add another Saturday. Occasionally I work up the energy to go to the grocery store on Sunday. I never have a list and get there and have an anxiety attack b/c I can't plan out what I need for the week.

Monday morning, I turn into a functional human being...but only when I walk through my office door.

I have a meeting with my insurance adjuster in the morning. I don't have to be at work until 1:15. I didn't do all of my laundry and didn't clean at all. I should have time to get some things done in the morning.

I wanted to start working out after work tomorrow. Sabotage.

I had plans to go to lunch with a friend on Sunday. I ignored her text and missed it. I texted her tonight and lied about having a crazy weekend that caused me to forget. I apologized. I haven't done this to her before (at least not that I remember). This is one of the ways I lose friends. I couldn't deal with it on Sunday. I couldn't deal with much of anything this week or weekend.

I'm PMS'ing right now. My emotions exacerbate significantly. In a day or so, I'll be less dramatic and more reasonable (fingers crossed). I'll probably read this and my previous post next week and cringe. Oh well - I promised to be honest. This is me and all my ridiculous honesty.

Tomorrow:
- strip/wash sheets
- finish laundry
- change/clean litter box
- scrub bathroom
- dust entire house
- vacuum entire house
- take out trash
- pack gym bag
- buy scales
- buy fruit & veggies

ambitious. we'll see.