silent resignation

I went to the doctor today. I hesitantly completed the paperwork out last week. Struggling to choose the correct words to describe what problems I was experiencing, I chose: severe headaches, weight gain, fatigue, dysthymia.

It was physically painful to write those words - particularly "dysthymia". Admitting I have a problem on a blog that I don't even have the courage to make public, even though I know it will not be read...admitting my problem on paper, to be read by a doctor and nurses and that will be kept for years and years makes my heart race.

My blood pressure was 128/90. Apparently 90 is the cutoff for high blood pressure. I've never had high blood pressure before. It's also be low.

When the nurse asked why I was there and I hesitated, she said, "oh, to get established". I quietly concurred. The doctor was handsome. He was kind, personable, gentle and caring. He's the kind of man I wish I would've met when I was 22 and married and lived happily ever after with. But I didn't, so here I am at 35, single, alone and living imprisoned in my head and my pain.

When prompted, I told him about my headaches. He confirmed they sound like migraines. He gave me nasal spray to try for 10 days to rule out sinus or allergy problems. He also gave me a sample of preventative migraine medication.

I kept trying to think of how to bring up my depression and ask for an antidepressant. I kept hoping he would read my medical history and bring it up. He didn't. And neither did I.

I walked out, fifty dollars later feeling defeating. I have basically spent one hundred dollars in co-pays this month in an effort to pull myself out of this hell and it's all been for naught.

I cried in the car as I drove back to work. I continually tell myself, "This is it. This is all you get so you better learn how to accept it and move on." But I can't accept it. At least, I haven't been able to accept it thus far.

I'm suppose to have my lab results from the podiatrist sent over to him. Deep down inside I'm hoping they will reveal some type of major illness that will end this pain for me. I don't know how much longer I can live like this.

I don't want to be stuck here. I can't see a way out. I have started restricting again. The hunger hurts, but I'm hoping to get into the place where I feed off the hurt and widdle down to nothing.